Struggling with Self

Experiencing a time of struggling with what I want to do versus what God apparently wants me to do leaves me pulled in two directions.  The whole experience is very disruptive to any sustained spiritual peace.  Yet, spiritual peace is overrated actually.  In my experience, I have grown more deeply and well during times of wrestling, times of disruption -- as uncomfortable as those times are. 

This experience leads me to consider my time sitting with God.  From all accounts, God seems to be asking me for some uninterrupted time with my soul.  I'm considering how best to manage my time so that God gets that uninterrupted time and I don't lose too much sleep.  Of course, perhaps that is part of the cost of admission to God's uninterrupted time.

I ponder the religious vocationals.  The offices have them up at 2am and again at 4am and on it goes.  The Rule of Benedict structures our lives around prayer; yet balances the way our relationship with God is viewed.  Whether one's activity is one's work, one's leisure, or one's prayer -- all is done with glory for God. 

So, how might I better structure my time, balanced and with glory for God, so that my peace is productive?  Perhaps during my uninterrupted time that God seems to be arranging, God will reveal some ideas!

More later...

Sinking and Fear

I have recently compared my experience of this time of transition in my spiritual journey to that of floating on the water.  When I'm relaxed and capable of just being with the flow, the water, myself, God, I float along just fine.  However, when I tense up, try to control the flow, begin to worry, or want to "know," when my trust falters, I sink. 

Now, we all know what happens to new swimmers when they feel themselves beginning to sink, right?  They flounder, they flail around, grasping for whatever they can hold onto, to once again feel safe.  Over the last week, I have flailed around, grasping for whatever I can find to hold onto, to once again feel safe, secure, wanted, needed, remembered...all of those very human emotions.

This all reached a pinnacle last night.  As I lay in my bed fearful, full of doubt, questioning everything, I was drawn to examen.  I realized then that God was in control and I should allow God to do what God wanted!  As I reviewed my day, I was reminded of so many acts of grace that I experienced, of the grace I received, of the reminders that I am in the hearts of many people.  I was shown that I will not be forgotten. 

I went to sleep reassured.  I woke this morning to a feeling of well-being that has been absent for about a week now.  Nice.  My "work" for this week is to allow God to heal the fear in my heart of being forgotten.  I'll be spending some time on that this week. 

The other word I received is "slow" -- as in slow down, slow process, slow (and deep) work ahead. I see those bright yellow caution signs for road work.  Ah yes.  Road work.  Ufdah.

My Lament for Wesley

Why?!  Why is the question on a lot of our hearts right now as we are reeling from the news.  Our friend and fellow-dancer Wesley Brown was shot and killed Saturday night.  It was stupid.  It was senseless.

Why?!  Our hearts are broken.  We are holding Kelly and Madeline close in our hearts, wishing for time to see them and hug them and be with them.

Why?!  Earlier this summer I wrote an article on the work of grieving; on the necessity of allowing that work to occur in us.  It is essential that we allow grief to wash over us when it comes and simply be with it.  Grief and grieving are cleansing and educational.  Mostly, grieving—especially at this point—is simply there, not to be ignored or set aside.

As an aspect of our grieving, we can allow our faith to spill over into doubt, into questioning.  Without doubt, we never get around to asking the difficult questions of God, of ourselves. 

Why?!  I find myself asking that age-old question of God: "Why, God, did you allow this to happen?  Why?!"

While in the grip of doubt, letting our anger out is cleansing.  There are safe ways of doing so, such as  journaling, praying, swinging a wiffle bat against a pillow or a sofa.  Even screaming at God!  God can take it.  I know I am angry with, of all things, Wesley's employers.  I'm angry that he had to work instead of come to Cumberland—where he would have been instead of in that store Saturday night!  I'm angry that a gang decided to retaliate in an outbreak of violence which spilled over and ended Wesley's life.

Grief and anger exist together in a tangled mess so many times.  This tangled mess could very well be the reason this "senseless" violence broke out to begin with—what were the members of this gang grieving? 

 And, yes, I am angry with God.  Very angry.  My private conversations with God over the last 48 hours have been filled with angry tears and demands to know, to understand.

Yet, as I have moved with my grief, the question has shifted.  Shifted to how.

How, God, am I to be with this?  I have faith that Wesley is in a better place right now, is resting and healing in the light of God.  Yet, his family – a young daughter and his beloved wife – are HERE without him.

How can I be of comfort and support to his family?

This is a healthy movement our souls can take in response to our grief.  Yet, even this healthy movement does not resolve the deep sadness and the ache of loss in my heart.  Only time will do so.

May the grace of God go with Wesley's family and friends through the coming days and weeks.

Grace does abound.

Life Lived in Lectio

Lectio Divina...divine reading...reading in a way that pays attention to divine presence...listening to what radiates in one's heart and soul...imagine living your every day life in such a way.  Being aware.  Being awake.  Knowing God is present.

For me, that's why there are certain spiritual practices I love.  I love praying the daily offices; I love reading scripture (and lots of other texts) in lectio; I crave prayer time; I love to pause and listen.  I get filled with joy when I realize that I've most likely heard something "right."  I get filled with Spirit's happiness when I go and be and do what God has asked of me.

Discernment is a daily exercise because we are never done. Our journeys are one day of discernment followed by another.  Each day, we be and do the best we can in response to our experience of God's guidance.  Today I heard a sermon on the feeling of the "next thing."  I left that service all aglow...I had had a lectio moment.  Actually, I had experienced several lectio moments.  Several phrases had radiated for me -- "Here I am Lord,"  "restore the joy," "the next thing," "Amazing Grace," "clean slate," "broken and poured out for me" -- WOW!

This morning as I was preparing myself for worshipping with a new and different community of faith, I had drawn three prayer words from my stash.  They were "patience," "joy," and "mercy."  As I have been reflecting on my worship experience, those words have come back to me.  Patience with whom or what?  My children?  The "process"?  Joy...yeah...JOY!  Mercy.  Mercy is another hard one.  Mercy with others in my life who will have a difficult transition as we find a new faith community--including those we leave behind as well as those we join?  Mercy.  That's a word that's packed with meaning, one that I will be praying on and living with over the next few days. 

I have faith that the coming days will be filled with moments of insight and clarity and understanding; I also accept that the coming days will most likely have moments of doubt, fear, regret...and...perhaps, Mercy.

A life lived in lectio is a life filled with grace and gratitude, tears and joy, doubt and wonder.  A life lived in lectio is a life lived listening.

Releasing Expectations

Do you ever wonder who you are? Where you pick up the feelings you have about yourself, your abilities as a caregiver, your capabilities to maintain any spiritual practices?

We receive a lot of expectations from those we live with and interact with in our communities. Sometimes those expectations are unrealistic, based on the other party’s ill-informed beliefs about us, about our responsibilities as a caregiver, and about our faith. Most times, those expectations that get unloaded onto our backs say more about the person doing the unloading than anything about us!

Giving up our expectations created by our own fears or the expectations of others created in an atmosphere of non-understanding is hard work. I’m not going to mislead you. This is the sort of work which takes steadfast prayer and listening. This is the sort of work which is aided by journaling, by spiritual reading, by taking good care of ourselves. This is the sort of work for which the spiritual practices we have offered over the last few months have been presented.

Do you have someone in your life whom you trust? Would you consider going to them and asking them to give you permission to just be yourself? I have found that to be an incredibly freeing experience and cherished conversation. The person of whom you ask this needs to be someone who knows you well, someone you know well and trust. The person needs to be someone to whom you listen and take what they say to heart.

It is so important to work out what works for us, whether it is the way in which we behave, the way in which we carry out our caregiving responsibilities, or the way in which we spend time with and get fed by God. The only way we can begin that work is to be ourselves. God has created each of us beautiful, loving, compassionate daughters and sons. God created us in God’s image: a powerful, spiritual being. God who knit us together in our mother’s womb. It is God’s expectations for our behavior, our experience of ourselves as caregivers; and the thoughts of those we trust which matter most.

Being and doing what God has created us to be and do brings a deep joy into our lives. A joy which sustains us in times of crisis. A joy which buoys us in times of sadness. A joy which shines forth from us to give light unto the World.

Be yourself! Trust God to let you know when you need to change. Have faith in your abilities!