Losses

 Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my recent life.  I found out that my friend, briefly co-worker, an extraordinary pet carer, wise woman, intuitive genius was in the hospital. She had suffered multiple strokes over the last few weeks. My heart aches. My head is cloudy with anticipatory grief. My prayers have been demanding. My tears, plentiful.

Admittedly, Margie and I have never simply picked up the phone to chat; yet, when we would see each other, our stream of consciousness talk would be hilarious! There was nothing I could do. 

Well, of course there was! I went to the hospital and I stayed present to and with her and her long-time companion and friend for a few hours. Not nearly long enough. Margie could have known I was there in her eerily aware sort of way that I firmly believe was still hard at work regardless of the lack of any outward showing. I had brought with me a small vial of anointing oil that I gently applied before I left, adding a prayer for peace, Grace, and wellness.

I woke this morning feeling a bit angry actually. Why Margie? Well, for most of us when we feel the threat of losing someone we love, we might react that way. I think it's fairly normal. When we love someone, why would we be so ready to let them go, right? She is in a hospital in midtown--a place to which I am not overly familiar with driving. Interestingly enough, I was fortunate to find a parking spot right outside the entrance door to the level on which her room was located. Admittedly (for those of you who are familiar with my way of asking God for directions), I had asked God for as much help, direction, and reassurance I could be given! Thank you, God. I found it and her. Later, when I was so very tired, I knew I needed to go home. Honestly, I thought I remembered how to get to the parking deck and just let my legs take me--and as my psychologist reminded me, my procedural memory did the rest. I found it easily--parked in the beautiful, immediate space where I left it (Credit to God, I believe).  Even though it was raining, I made it home safely. The weather certainly matched my emotions. 

I am still shaken this morning. Selfishly, I desire Margie to stay. Yet, what if Margie is ready to go? Who am I to stall the process of her life?

Yes, the process of her life. All of us will eventually die of one thing or another. Depending upon one's outlook, that "process" may be different. If Margie makes the decision to let go, I will not begrudge her the peace that awaits her.

The Oak -- Loving Stewards

 When we first looked at our home 20+years ago, this tree was present, and fortunately for us, has kept growing. It now provides shade for our entire house and back yard. Beautiful all year around, it has been a pleasure to have such a "presence" in nature in our lives.

When I think about the imagery I carry about this tree in particular, I am thankful for its presence. This tree has seen our family's triumphs, failures, celebrations, losses, and new relationships bloom. Under its shady presence we have hosted many backyard BBQs and band parties, birthday parties, play dates...all resulting in a tremendous heritage of laughter and love for which I am exceedingly grateful. 

We have a relationship with an extraordinary arborist company who comes once a year to just check up on this beauty. That check up has resulted in some very careful and pointed pruning to "lift some weight" off. Given that this tree is actually a "community" tree (as I call it), I want to keep all of its members healthy so that we don't lose any of it. 

Now, this tree sits exceedingly close to our house. Since it is a very healthy tree, the trunk has kept growing, the roots have kept sinking deeper, and the canopy has expanded. It's about time for its yearly exam. I wonder if in some way the tree worries? Will I be okay? Will I need to be pruned? Will it hurt? I hope it also understands that the Reileys are good, loving stewards and will take care of it.

As I was writing this, I started thinking about those "loving stewards" that I have in my life. My husband Ralph, my dear brother David, my pastor Rev. Hardy, and--not to forget--my Rabbi Mitch. (My Rabbi has kept me sane and on the right path many times! He also gives me assignments to complete! LOL)

I hope, as you read this, you stop to consider who your "loving stewards" are in your life--now and perhaps in your youth. As a community, we rarely officially get assigned a loving steward. I believe, as individuals, God sees to it that we are drawn to those who can be a loving steward for us.  My prayer for you today is that you may indeed have a loving steward or are willing to seek one out. If you choose to seek one out, ask those you trust to perhaps suggest someone. This is a journey worthy of your time and space.

May you find peace and good will in your life today.

Changes in Perspective, Trust, Listening, and Deciding

 I took this photo a couple of years ago and have kept it as an occasional reminder that fall returns and brings with it changes in perspective. Plus, I love the orange and green combo.

The title of this post is a result of conversations I have had recently with a couple of my dear mentors. I am moving through a time of decisions with respect to my health, my occupation as a writer, and how I want to move forward in my life. 

Each of these conversations were difficult to have, to hear, and to consider. Each of these mentors are beloved by me. They have stood with me in some difficult times, making difficult decisions, and learning hard truths. Yet, they have also been with me to celebrate so many more opportunities! The cycles of life take us through seasons (yeah, I know, corny--but true).

I have entered into a season of my life where my health is rather "insecure." Plainly, I have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. 

Ufdah. There, I said it. 

My hope for my future--whatever it may hold--is that I maintain my faith, my sense of humor, and my relationships with my loved ones (family and friends and mentors). 

In this moment, I am deciding to stay. I am not sure exactly what that will look like in the next months or years to come. If we are honest, none of us know that, do we?

One more hope is that those of you who follow this blog will return and keep up with this journey. I would love to hear your thoughts; have you share your prayers if you would; and also funny things to help me keep my sense of humor well-tuned.

I am also open to answering questions from you as to my faith journey. I will be sharing some of it here: questions, answers, even pleadings.

If you are moving through a neurodegenerative disease or know of someone who is, you are welcome to let me know that I will be making a prayer list of folks who request it.  Also, know that prayer is central to my life in general and my spiritual way of being in particular. Prayer will keep me centered in my faith and my spiritual practices of devotions and meditations.

I will be doing my best to post some prayers that come to me and help me in any particular way in this journey. You are welcome to use them, share them, and even let me know what you think of them.

Be kind. Take good care of yourself and those you love. Thank you for being here.

Life's Little Labyrinths

 

Life's Little Laybrinths

I came to love and appreciate labyrinths early on in my spiritual journey. My first experience of one was at a Disciples Women's Retreat many years ago. I fell in love with the slowness of it; with the simplicity and complicated nature of the "walk." I was gifted the lap labyrinth in this photo quite a few years ago and have treasured it since. The tapestry it rests upon I have had for decades, something picked up at a Salvation Army Store no doubt, my having been drawn to the colors and forms reflected on it. I have always wanted to share this with someone who could recognize a language within the forms and let me know what it communicates. That has not happened as of yet. So, here is your invitation...do you know if the forms on the cloth are of a language or simply an artistic form? If a language, can you read it?

Colors and textures and time taken to walk and think--all things I have found holy over my lifetime. The small pottery "word" stone in the center says "Blessed."

Recently, I have begun a new journey through a relatively unknown territory--a labyrinth if you will. At the beginning of the year, I was diagnosed as having early stage Alzheimer's Disease. As much as I would like to claim it was a shock, it wasn't really. I and my husband had been recognizing some serious memory glitches that were not familiar to me or him. While it is a difficult diagnosis to decode and figure out how to live with and through, we are managing at this point.  Obviously, I still have my words. I can still type (after 40+ years of being a secretary, I don't believe it would be possible to forget that skill). Our young men are still "taking it in" I believe; yet, I am sure they are with me and will remain with me throughout this journey. We have raised two very sensitive and kind men who tend to take to heart and consider difficult topics and happenings in their lives. I trust them and their hearts.

As to the title I chose for this post, life--for all of us--is full of little Labyrinths, of struggles that we must navigate, must find our way through. The beauty of a labyrinth is that there is a path. It sometimes takes patience to find and follow the path through our life's struggles; yet, knowing the path is there brings a certain solace to those who may be starting out on a new path.

On another note, my sweet friend Gael reminded me today that I have spent many years working in this "world." As a licensed minister in the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), I brought communion to a couple of assisted living facilities near me at least two Sundays out of the month. I found it so fulfilling because within each of those dear ones whose minds had become confused and thoughts/memories were failing, there was one--ALWAYS one--that remained. It was a memory of who and what communion was about. Those times were truly holy ones; times that resonate with me now, especially. This past Sunday I served as Communion Assistant and found myself exceedingly impacted by the act of sharing communion, of praying and blessing and being with the community itself while we all received this Holy Meal.

I will stop here. I find a certain holy satisfaction in where I am in this moment--in my mind and soul.

Gathering Clouds

 Gathering Clouds...

This is a photo I took recently just outside our house. I have begun taking note of cloud formations since there have been so many striking ones appearing. Seasons are beginning to change, weather patterns are shifting, etc. I am not alone in my love of and curiosity about clouds.

Unsurprisingly, since time immemorial, humanity has been fascinated with the sky.

"Will the sun rise today?"

"Will rain come to water our garden?"

"Will we have a break from all the rain so that our land can soak up what's already been given?"

And, of course, there are other types of clouds that gather in our lives.

Clouds of worry.

Clouds of fear.

Clouds of despair.

It is unfortunate that we, as a population, never seem to associate clouds with "good" things happening. Why is that? Clouds are water stuck in the sky. Nothing too ominous about that, right?  Ha!

Clouds of Happiness (perhaps bright white clouds in an azure sky).

Clouds of Thanksgiving (perhaps clouds cloaked in sunset colors).

Clouds of Anticipation (hmmm....give that one some thought and let me know what you'd suggest as an example).

Then, there are "road trip" clouds--you know that game right? As a child in the back seat on a long road trip with no hand-held games to occupy ourselves, my brother and I would gaze out the window and play the cloud game. The cloud game was where we would each have a "side" (of course) and would be watching the sky for fantastic cloud formations. What would our imaginations summon up out of those formations? Well, what any young child would--animals, monsters, sometimes people. 

Colors of clouds--most of the time, the color of a cloud is caused by sunlight hitting water particles in the cloud (which act as prisms) that then colors the entire cloud. Back to other photographers on FB and Instagram, there have been incredibly gorgeous photos captured lately of clouds that remind me of Louis L'amour westerns and the paintings that were sometimes a part of any presentation of his work.

What are some of your favorite formations? Do you have memories of cloud games as a child? Car trips (I think folks still take car trips, right? I am thinking of one particular person in my life who just LOVES to drive--4,000 miles over 3 weeks recently).

OZ Part Two--Old Friends

First, I want to thank my good friend Julie for taking my call yesterday as I was trying to make up my mind if what I was being "fed" was true. As Julie and I talked, some things, some doubts and questions arose that seemed to settle my question. I responded to the individual who had sought me out and said I wasn't interested. 

Now, as a writer that was a difficult statement. Because, truth be told, I was interested in getting my work into another outlet--of course! Yet, I can only imagine the angst I would experience should I have moved forward and found the offer to be less than what was presented or, God forbid, fraudulent. In my current state of mind (!), I do find that I am being more cautious. That caution is a good thing.

Second, while my intellectual "reasoning" posed questions, pushed caution, and wanted questions answered, there was a good part of my brain that just wanted to proceed.  Yeah. Let's keep going and going and going...kinda like the Energizer bunny thing.

Third, knowing that I am a praying woman, guess what my conversation with God was like? The easy answer is God responded, "enough with the Energizer bunny thing. It's time you quit that!" So, in this instance, caution and God won out (usually a good thing--especially the God thing).

Fourth, I do not like how I am feeling right now. I will be seeing my neurologist soon and have started a list of questions to ask. One of them has to do with medications. I know that there are a couple that I cannot take due to a pre-existing condition that the meds could exacerbate. So, at this point, I am taking notes on the ways  in which I experience differences in my cognition. Hey, I am a legal secretary in my heart so I take notes!

Fifth--I had the best surprise this afternoon!! The dearest employer I have ever had called me today! We were able to do a little catch up and I hope to be able to go have lunch with him soon. Working with him for a decade sealed our relationship a little beyond boss/employee. He was at my wedding and we've got a beautiful photo together reflecting the happiness he had for me and my joy at his being with me at such a time. Can't put a price on that.

I am giving thanks right now for the fact that some memories don't seem to fade. The deepest happy memories I have will always be with me. I am glad that Martin is a part of that inventory!

Whirlwind: Am I in OZ?

Today, I have felt as though I have been caught up in a whirlwind--the sort similar to what took Dorothy to OZ.

As most of you have already sensed, I am an author. I have books published (either by a publishing company or on my own) as well as this blog, "Thoughts on the Journey" on Blogspot.

Well, today I received correspondence from someone claiming to be from a publishing company, seeking information about whether I would like to be represented by an agent as well as published by their specific company. I recognized the company name as being one of good standing, familiar in the academic world, and was quite intrigued. My somewhat gentle response elicited further information. That further information began sinking in and feeling a little too good to be true. 

Now, that last thought: something about the interest seemed to be "too good to be true" stopped me. For a few reasons I hesitated to continue the "conversation." First, I love what I have written because a whole lot of "me" is in those published works, and the person who had contacted me seemed to understand that. Second, I am insanely proud of the fact that there are books out there in stores with my name on them.  Third, I am also quite intimately aware that my brain is not so reliable right now--and quite possibly, I would be ill-advised to make this decision on my own.

So, after allowing myself to get very excited and on the verge of plunging in, I decided to wait. Simply wait 24-48 hours and pray about it.  Now, most of you will understand that I am a "praying woman." I regularly take my conundrums to God in prayer. So, tonight, I will be assailing the heavenly door for advice.  If any of you would join me in prayer, I would be grateful.  The more, the merrier.