Changes in Perspective, Trust, Listening, and Deciding

 I took this photo a couple of years ago and have kept it as an occasional reminder that fall returns and brings with it changes in perspective. Plus, I love the orange and green combo.

The title of this post is a result of conversations I have had recently with a couple of my dear mentors. I am moving through a time of decisions with respect to my health, my occupation as a writer, and how I want to move forward in my life. 

Each of these conversations were difficult to have, to hear, and to consider. Each of these mentors are beloved by me. They have stood with me in some difficult times, making difficult decisions, and learning hard truths. Yet, they have also been with me to celebrate so many more opportunities! The cycles of life take us through seasons (yeah, I know, corny--but true).

I have entered into a season of my life where my health is rather "insecure." Plainly, I have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. 

Ufdah. There, I said it. 

My hope for my future--whatever it may hold--is that I maintain my faith, my sense of humor, and my relationships with my loved ones (family and friends and mentors). 

In this moment, I am deciding to stay. I am not sure exactly what that will look like in the next months or years to come. If we are honest, none of us know that, do we?

One more hope is that those of you who follow this blog will return and keep up with this journey. I would love to hear your thoughts; have you share your prayers if you would; and also funny things to help me keep my sense of humor well-tuned.

I am also open to answering questions from you as to my faith journey. I will be sharing some of it here: questions, answers, even pleadings.

If you are moving through a neurodegenerative disease or know of someone who is, you are welcome to let me know that I will be making a prayer list of folks who request it.  Also, know that prayer is central to my life in general and my spiritual way of being in particular. Prayer will keep me centered in my faith and my spiritual practices of devotions and meditations.

I will be doing my best to post some prayers that come to me and help me in any particular way in this journey. You are welcome to use them, share them, and even let me know what you think of them.

Be kind. Take good care of yourself and those you love. Thank you for being here.

Life's Little Labyrinths

 

Life's Little Laybrinths

I came to love and appreciate labyrinths early on in my spiritual journey. My first experience of one was at a Disciples Women's Retreat many years ago. I fell in love with the slowness of it; with the simplicity and complicated nature of the "walk." I was gifted the lap labyrinth in this photo quite a few years ago and have treasured it since. The tapestry it rests upon I have had for decades, something picked up at a Salvation Army Store no doubt, my having been drawn to the colors and forms reflected on it. I have always wanted to share this with someone who could recognize a language within the forms and let me know what it communicates. That has not happened as of yet. So, here is your invitation...do you know if the forms on the cloth are of a language or simply an artistic form? If a language, can you read it?

Colors and textures and time taken to walk and think--all things I have found holy over my lifetime. The small pottery "word" stone in the center says "Blessed."

Recently, I have begun a new journey through a relatively unknown territory--a labyrinth if you will. At the beginning of the year, I was diagnosed as having early stage Alzheimer's Disease. As much as I would like to claim it was a shock, it wasn't really. I and my husband had been recognizing some serious memory glitches that were not familiar to me or him. While it is a difficult diagnosis to decode and figure out how to live with and through, we are managing at this point.  Obviously, I still have my words. I can still type (after 40+ years of being a secretary, I don't believe it would be possible to forget that skill). Our young men are still "taking it in" I believe; yet, I am sure they are with me and will remain with me throughout this journey. We have raised two very sensitive and kind men who tend to take to heart and consider difficult topics and happenings in their lives. I trust them and their hearts.

As to the title I chose for this post, life--for all of us--is full of little Labyrinths, of struggles that we must navigate, must find our way through. The beauty of a labyrinth is that there is a path. It sometimes takes patience to find and follow the path through our life's struggles; yet, knowing the path is there brings a certain solace to those who may be starting out on a new path.

On another note, my sweet friend Gael reminded me today that I have spent many years working in this "world." As a licensed minister in the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), I brought communion to a couple of assisted living facilities near me at least two Sundays out of the month. I found it so fulfilling because within each of those dear ones whose minds had become confused and thoughts/memories were failing, there was one--ALWAYS one--that remained. It was a memory of who and what communion was about. Those times were truly holy ones; times that resonate with me now, especially. This past Sunday I served as Communion Assistant and found myself exceedingly impacted by the act of sharing communion, of praying and blessing and being with the community itself while we all received this Holy Meal.

I will stop here. I find a certain holy satisfaction in where I am in this moment--in my mind and soul.

Gathering Clouds

 Gathering Clouds...

This is a photo I took recently just outside our house. I have begun taking note of cloud formations since there have been so many striking ones appearing. Seasons are beginning to change, weather patterns are shifting, etc. I am not alone in my love of and curiosity about clouds.

Unsurprisingly, since time immemorial, humanity has been fascinated with the sky.

"Will the sun rise today?"

"Will rain come to water our garden?"

"Will we have a break from all the rain so that our land can soak up what's already been given?"

And, of course, there are other types of clouds that gather in our lives.

Clouds of worry.

Clouds of fear.

Clouds of despair.

It is unfortunate that we, as a population, never seem to associate clouds with "good" things happening. Why is that? Clouds are water stuck in the sky. Nothing too ominous about that, right?  Ha!

Clouds of Happiness (perhaps bright white clouds in an azure sky).

Clouds of Thanksgiving (perhaps clouds cloaked in sunset colors).

Clouds of Anticipation (hmmm....give that one some thought and let me know what you'd suggest as an example).

Then, there are "road trip" clouds--you know that game right? As a child in the back seat on a long road trip with no hand-held games to occupy ourselves, my brother and I would gaze out the window and play the cloud game. The cloud game was where we would each have a "side" (of course) and would be watching the sky for fantastic cloud formations. What would our imaginations summon up out of those formations? Well, what any young child would--animals, monsters, sometimes people. 

Colors of clouds--most of the time, the color of a cloud is caused by sunlight hitting water particles in the cloud (which act as prisms) that then colors the entire cloud. Back to other photographers on FB and Instagram, there have been incredibly gorgeous photos captured lately of clouds that remind me of Louis L'amour westerns and the paintings that were sometimes a part of any presentation of his work.

What are some of your favorite formations? Do you have memories of cloud games as a child? Car trips (I think folks still take car trips, right? I am thinking of one particular person in my life who just LOVES to drive--4,000 miles over 3 weeks recently).

OZ Part Two--Old Friends

First, I want to thank my good friend Julie for taking my call yesterday as I was trying to make up my mind if what I was being "fed" was true. As Julie and I talked, some things, some doubts and questions arose that seemed to settle my question. I responded to the individual who had sought me out and said I wasn't interested. 

Now, as a writer that was a difficult statement. Because, truth be told, I was interested in getting my work into another outlet--of course! Yet, I can only imagine the angst I would experience should I have moved forward and found the offer to be less than what was presented or, God forbid, fraudulent. In my current state of mind (!), I do find that I am being more cautious. That caution is a good thing.

Second, while my intellectual "reasoning" posed questions, pushed caution, and wanted questions answered, there was a good part of my brain that just wanted to proceed.  Yeah. Let's keep going and going and going...kinda like the Energizer bunny thing.

Third, knowing that I am a praying woman, guess what my conversation with God was like? The easy answer is God responded, "enough with the Energizer bunny thing. It's time you quit that!" So, in this instance, caution and God won out (usually a good thing--especially the God thing).

Fourth, I do not like how I am feeling right now. I will be seeing my neurologist soon and have started a list of questions to ask. One of them has to do with medications. I know that there are a couple that I cannot take due to a pre-existing condition that the meds could exacerbate. So, at this point, I am taking notes on the ways  in which I experience differences in my cognition. Hey, I am a legal secretary in my heart so I take notes!

Fifth--I had the best surprise this afternoon!! The dearest employer I have ever had called me today! We were able to do a little catch up and I hope to be able to go have lunch with him soon. Working with him for a decade sealed our relationship a little beyond boss/employee. He was at my wedding and we've got a beautiful photo together reflecting the happiness he had for me and my joy at his being with me at such a time. Can't put a price on that.

I am giving thanks right now for the fact that some memories don't seem to fade. The deepest happy memories I have will always be with me. I am glad that Martin is a part of that inventory!

Whirlwind: Am I in OZ?

Today, I have felt as though I have been caught up in a whirlwind--the sort similar to what took Dorothy to OZ.

As most of you have already sensed, I am an author. I have books published (either by a publishing company or on my own) as well as this blog, "Thoughts on the Journey" on Blogspot.

Well, today I received correspondence from someone claiming to be from a publishing company, seeking information about whether I would like to be represented by an agent as well as published by their specific company. I recognized the company name as being one of good standing, familiar in the academic world, and was quite intrigued. My somewhat gentle response elicited further information. That further information began sinking in and feeling a little too good to be true. 

Now, that last thought: something about the interest seemed to be "too good to be true" stopped me. For a few reasons I hesitated to continue the "conversation." First, I love what I have written because a whole lot of "me" is in those published works, and the person who had contacted me seemed to understand that. Second, I am insanely proud of the fact that there are books out there in stores with my name on them.  Third, I am also quite intimately aware that my brain is not so reliable right now--and quite possibly, I would be ill-advised to make this decision on my own.

So, after allowing myself to get very excited and on the verge of plunging in, I decided to wait. Simply wait 24-48 hours and pray about it.  Now, most of you will understand that I am a "praying woman." I regularly take my conundrums to God in prayer. So, tonight, I will be assailing the heavenly door for advice.  If any of you would join me in prayer, I would be grateful.  The more, the merrier.

The Lives We Live Animate Us

I spent an interesting day at Mike Rezi Nissan yesterday as I waited for them to inspect our Nissan Leaf. It was an hours' long process. I had brought my newest weird book with me, a bio of Walter Cronkite. As an aside, I am of that generation that grew up with him giving us the news: good, bad, and/or indifferent, every evening. His voice is the voice I hear giving commentary on my life sometimes. Yes, go ahead, laugh, but it's true.

While I was waiting, though, I had a most interesting conversation with a young man as we both waited for our cars. He is early 20s, beginning to make decisions in his own life that will truly shape his future. I was intrigued, and honored, by the quality of our conversation, actually. I suspect he has aunts and uncles that engage with him regularly and deeply in discussions about all sorts of subjects. He has no hesitation in taking time to speak with someone like me; his curiosity about what I do, what I write, where I've been, etc., was heady to say the least. (Just being honest here.)

There were so many different topics covered in our time waiting (several hours). The conversation was gentle, curious, and kind. For those of you who know me and have talked with me, you will not be surprised by this. Our conversation reminded me a bit of the conversations I have had with our sons. Hopeful. Questioning. Thoughtful. 

He asked me about my work. I laughed inside. So, I did my best to give him a brief history (LOL) and then spoke of my writing. He has learned an important skill--governing one's expressions. Always pleasant, sometimes amused, generally neutral unless we were laughing. We did laugh a bit and it was joyous.

The title of this article was inspired by my feeling of animation both as we spoke and later as I reflected on the experience. Our conversation definitely made passing the time much more interesting that Cronkite. The animation was reciprocal. We each took energy from our time together; good energy; uplifting energy I believe. We encouraged one another. Yes. He encouraged me in ways he probably did not realize and will never understand. Yet, the long day spent waiting at a car dealership was made bearable by having been spent in conversation with an intelligent and friendly young person. I believe the energy I had when I was finally able to leave was due to that conversation.

Listening well; sharing well; laughing; and truly engaging with another person is invaluable--and animating.

Time Away

 Yesterday I was gifted with some special time with my Soul Friend, Phil Foster. Phil and I have known each other for decades--at one time he was my Spiritual Director.  We see each other some times--not nearly enough for me actually because I truly treasure his presence. So, our day spent at the Monastery of the Holy Spirit in Conyers, Georgia, was so much more than a trip to a beautiful place. The time we spent in silence as well as conversation was powerful for me. We attended Vespers with the monks before returning home. I have always loved the interior of the Sanctuary and grabbed a quick photo before leaving. It wasn't the first time I've taken that photo. Unfortunately, my phone won't "give it up."  LOL

My time there, whether individually, with a friend, or a group, is always deeply spiritual and satisfying. The simple and sacred beauty of the surrounding natural setting lends itself to contemplation and listening--very much so to listening. I have always felt God's Presence there. Powerful.

I came away physically tired and spiritually full.  Can't think of a better way of spending time with a friend and God.