The Lives We Live Animate Us

I spent an interesting day at Mike Rezi Nissan yesterday as I waited for them to inspect our Nissan Leaf. It was an hours' long process. I had brought my newest weird book with me, a bio of Walter Cronkite. As an aside, I am of that generation that grew up with him giving us the news: good, bad, and/or indifferent, every evening. His voice is the voice I hear giving commentary on my life sometimes. Yes, go ahead, laugh, but it's true.

While I was waiting, though, I had a most interesting conversation with a young man as we both waited for our cars. He is early 20s, beginning to make decisions in his own life that will truly shape his future. I was intrigued, and honored, by the quality of our conversation, actually. I suspect he has aunts and uncles that engage with him regularly and deeply in discussions about all sorts of subjects. He has no hesitation in taking time to speak with someone like me; his curiosity about what I do, what I write, where I've been, etc., was heady to say the least. (Just being honest here.)

There were so many different topics covered in our time waiting (several hours). The conversation was gentle, curious, and kind. For those of you who know me and have talked with me, you will not be surprised by this. Our conversation reminded me a bit of the conversations I have had with our sons. Hopeful. Questioning. Thoughtful. 

He asked me about my work. I laughed inside. So, I did my best to give him a brief history (LOL) and then spoke of my writing. He has learned an important skill--governing one's expressions. Always pleasant, sometimes amused, generally neutral unless we were laughing. We did laugh a bit and it was joyous.

The title of this article was inspired by my feeling of animation both as we spoke and later as I reflected on the experience. Our conversation definitely made passing the time much more interesting that Cronkite. The animation was reciprocal. We each took energy from our time together; good energy; uplifting energy I believe. We encouraged one another. Yes. He encouraged me in ways he probably did not realize and will never understand. Yet, the long day spent waiting at a car dealership was made bearable by having been spent in conversation with an intelligent and friendly young person. I believe the energy I had when I was finally able to leave was due to that conversation.

Listening well; sharing well; laughing; and truly engaging with another person is invaluable--and animating.

Time Away

 Yesterday I was gifted with some special time with my Soul Friend, Phil Foster. Phil and I have known each other for decades--at one time he was my Spiritual Director.  We see each other some times--not nearly enough for me actually because I truly treasure his presence. So, our day spent at the Monastery of the Holy Spirit in Conyers, Georgia, was so much more than a trip to a beautiful place. The time we spent in silence as well as conversation was powerful for me. We attended Vespers with the monks before returning home. I have always loved the interior of the Sanctuary and grabbed a quick photo before leaving. It wasn't the first time I've taken that photo. Unfortunately, my phone won't "give it up."  LOL

My time there, whether individually, with a friend, or a group, is always deeply spiritual and satisfying. The simple and sacred beauty of the surrounding natural setting lends itself to contemplation and listening--very much so to listening. I have always felt God's Presence there. Powerful.

I came away physically tired and spiritually full.  Can't think of a better way of spending time with a friend and God.

Bearing Witness to the Beauty of the Earth

 

Earlier this evening I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items. On the way, I was confronted with some of the most dramatic cloud formations I have ever seen. Living in the Atlanta area, I am used to seeing impressive thunder clouds. These were something out of the ordinary. In high school, I would have been able to name every single formation!  Not anymore.  LOL  Of course, I took pictures with my phone...none of which turned out as dramatic as the original. The one below was the most impressive!

When I pulled into the grocery store parking lot, I noticed even more stunning formations. I chose to park a couple of cars away from a stationary police SUV with very dark windows. LOL I got out of the car and very slowly approached. The officer stepped out of the vehicle and immediately asked if I needed assistance, was I okay? I answered that I was okay yet stunned by the beauty of the cloud formations and I wanted to point them out to him. He stood there and looked at me with a quizzical expression on his face. He lifted his face and took note of the splendor. Then, he said something that I find fairly sad. He told me that very rarely does anyone stop to simply point out the beauty in the world. He thanked me profusely. I was touched because I realized the truth of what he said.

I realized the interaction between us was lacking in any tension--surprise, yes--and was glad I stopped and shared a moment with him. 

Ufdah

 Yes. Ufdah.

For those who may not be familiar with the word, "Ufdah" springs from a Scandinavian word of discontent. There are various spellings. However, all those spellings tend to sound the same and can be said with the same ferocity.

Ufdah! Is good for stubbed toes, knees knocked on something hard, or even difficult diagnoses.

It is practically the first word I uttered when I was given my recent diagnosis. Ufdah. Yep.

I have a follow-up appointment on Monday with my neurologist and will hopefully be helped to understand certain changes in my body that I've been noticing. 

My emotional state has been fairly stable for which I have been grateful. I do tend to try to keep most of that to myself or my journal or a couple of dear friends. 

Journaling. Yep. Can't keep a writer down!

Is It Too Soon? Tell me if you think it's too soon.

 Is it too soon to offer a view on this whole experience? Or, perhaps, I shouldn't say "whole" experience since realistically it ain't no where near "whole."  

Today has been an odd day. My memory has been better today than it has other days this week, in general. My ears are ringing as loudly as ever! Ufdah!

I have an appointment on Friday with the neurologist who diagnosed me. Hopefully, I will be able to speak with him for a grand total of 15 minutes...via a phone call!  I do not want to make my way down to midtown for a 15 minute office visit! I have a portal message in for him to inquire whether we can change it to a call.  It's Friday...horrible traffic in Atlanta most any time of the day...it's Friday and Ralph needs to be in the office not driving me to a doctor's appointment that could easily be a phone call.  My oh my ain't I cranky! 

Prayers would be much appreciated to in some way move this doctor to some common sense.  Hmm. 

Doubts, Fears, and Curiosities

     I have been around folks living with dementia for decades now and have often been touched by their doubts, fears, and curiosities. By that I mean, those with whom I have interacted have never hesitated to voice any of those! Most of the time, I was with them in some manner of caring presence--mostly as (1) a daughter or (2) a minister. 

    When my mother had advanced far enough into the disease that she was not sure of our relationship, we bounced among sister, daughter, cousin, neighbor, and unfortunately...enemy. Dementia, in my new understanding of it, is an unpredictable disease and appears to affect each person differently in its details. I am at the stage of physical symptoms (exhaustion, muscle weakness, and memory loss/confusion). This week I am seeing a physician with the hope of understanding more about those very symptoms, especially the current muscle weakness.

    The previous 24 hours has seen me deeply confused as to time--the subtleties of the time of day as well as the passage of time. I seem to easily lose a firm connection as to how much time has passed--which is a very odd thing and seems to live in the back of my head at the base of my skull. LOL  I am not sure why it feels so present in that particular place; who knows.  These are reasons why I am looking forward to meeting with this additional doctor. We shall see.

    All I can ask is that you stay tuned and keep me in your prayers.

Getting Into the Swing of Things

 Well now. It's July 24th--more to help me with my own bearings than you, dear reader, with your's. 

My memory while "fairly" stable is changing in a way. Having never been "here" before, I find it hard to describe. While some things are still sharply in focus, there are other memories that are as though they appear through a blurry window. I can recall the memory generally, but cannot bring it into true focus. I am learning to let go of that frustration--it is not helpful. I remember learning that lesson with my mother as she struggled with her own memory. My mother's way of handling it was to "fill in the blank spots" with hyperbole and imagination. That might sound entertaining, yet it was frightening to experience. My mother was an angry person most especially upon developing Alzheimer's. I sincerely hope I do not go down that route. I believe her own way of dealing with her memory issues was to blame other people for deceiving her. Ralph is exceedingly honest and already calls me on things I say or do that appear to be reflecting my choice of building my own reality. LOL It is all good as far as I am concerned.

Ralph and I are exceedingly fortunate to have a family far and wide. Our local family includes our friends from being long time contra dancers as well as friends of ours from our time as parents of school-age children. In my role as a caregiver support person I have come into contact with many supportive folks in the caregiving world whom I plan on touching base with fairly soon to get some relationships "reset." 

Even though there are only the two of us living here now--well, that's not quite accurate. We do have Bonnie and Clyde who keep us loved and very honest in their canine sort of way. I have already had meaningful visits with Thomas and Felix which warmed my heart and helped me feel "safe' in a way that I didn't want to acknowledge I needed. 

Learning to live with Alzheimer's, I believe, is learning to live honestly with one's limitations and with one's needs for support.  Both of those things: limitations and needs for support, will change over time. Sometimes the changes will be fearful, surprising, and bring relief. 

Living with Alzheimer's is simply that...living. I look forward to continuing this journey for as long as I can. See you all around.