Waiting to Exhale

It's like I'm holding my breath (not physically), waiting to see how certain things in my life are going to fall into place.  I believe that's fairly normal. 

However, I also sense that it is not productive.  I mean productive in a sense of proactive.  Yes, I believe things that are in the pike for me fall into place after a lot of work on my part, but also when it is the right time.  My problem has always been waiting for that right time. 

I want to charge ahead and get to doing what I believe I am supposed to be doing with my life NOW.

We live in a society of cliques and clubs and communities.  I separated those for a reason.  Cliques are prone to shaming/blaming/excluding.  Clubs are prone to excluding.  Communities are there for everyone else.  Communities are the workhorses of society.  Those that belong to Communities belong because of their brokenness, their "unfit" nature to belong to either a Club or a Clique.  Broken folks are some of the most hard working people on the face of this Earth. 

I'm a broken folk.  You're a broken folk.  We are all broken folk.  However, some of us are more willing to see that within ourselves. 

Now, what does that have to do with my holding my breath, with my impatience to get on with things?  Well, it's a bit of a rant about how my getting on with things right now is in the control of a Club. 

Am I saying that I am being held back from doing what I am called to do because of a Club?  Yes AND no.  The particular Club I am referring to is one to which I actually belong.  This Club has its expectations for preparation.  I understand that.  However, I realize how all of this fits together into one giant exercise for me in submission.

Yep.  Submission.  I truly can't stand that word -- which is another clue.  Submission is the area in my life where I definitely have growing edges.  (Laughing here.)  Definitely.  Can I say that again?  Definitely.  Yet, growing edges are great! Growing edges are exactly that: opportunities to recognize where I need to work on something and THEN work on it. 

So, this Club, in its exclusionary sort of language, is actually pushing me to do the work I need to do.  I have one word for that:  UFDAH!  No, it is not an acronym for anything.  Ufdah is a Norwegian word of emotional outburst!  Great word.

In the midst of my growth toward better submission, I am also carrying out the ministry to which God has so definitely called me.  Submission makes me a better minister.  Period.  Funny that.

The Spiritual Struggle of Pain

I am struggling with pain today. 

Of all things to happen, while kicking a soccer ball for our dog Scooter, I managed to miss the ball and kick (VERY HARD) an exposed brick.  I broke my big toe!  Add to that the numbing agent wearing off from the surgery I had today to remove a basal cell carcinoma from my nose.

What I have been gifted in this though is a better understanding of how constant, chronic pain affects one's spirituality.  I realize that a lot of folks experience me as steadfast in my faith, and this might come as a surprise -- I was more worried about my brush with skin cancer than I admitted to very many people.  Yes, I prayed for strength and courage; I prayed that the surgeon would be skillful (and he was); I prayed that the surgery would not reveal any deeper growth (and it did not).  So, I am grateful to God for these things.

Yet...yet as bearable as my pain is, it reminds me of other times in my life when I have endured much greater pain with much less grace.  When I cried out to God for relief and found none.  When I was angry with God for not making it better NOW! 

This pain is teaching me compassion and understanding.  This pain will keep me focused on God.  That sounds a bit convoluted to me; however, it's true in a sense.  If I keep focused on what God is showing me, deep in my heart, through this pain, I will learn something important.  I will learn something important to me, my journey, and perhaps something I can share.