So, my last post had to do with pain and my dawning awareness that chronic pain takes an alarming toll on one's Spirit. I am fortunate in that the pain has abated. My toe apparently is not broken. I am still taking it easy with it. No dancing for a couple more weeks to be safe. The surgery sites on my face are healing.
These are good things, good realizations to have. The time I've spent resting has been good for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. However, the time spent quietly listening to myself (self-talk as well as just thinkin') and to God has allowed some interesting thoughts to gel.
I know I have buttons which I allow others to push. Buttons installed a very long time ago. Buttons which bring out fear, hopelessness, anger, distrust, disgust. What I have noticed over the last week, however, is that I am getting better about realizing what's happening, feeling the reaction start. Recently, I've been able to stop myself, to keep my mouth shut instead of making some asinine remark.
There's a lot of ancient history I need to look at to even better understand why I am the way I am and how I need to go about changing, taking control of those buttons -- perhaps even uninstalling them eventually. An especially wonderful aspect to all of this though is that in seeing my buttons, recognizing my reactionary way of dealing with them, I also am able to acknowledge my progress, acknowledge the fact that I function very well in community, in society, in my family. I say this because when all is said and done, my survival, my current state of health and well being is fairly surprising!
The fact of my ability to pat myself on the back, to acknowledge how well I am, is something that I've always had difficulty doing. So from that whole "third eye" perspective thing -- I'm not worried. Not being worried is a big thing. I'm not fearful of what I need to look at -- a new sensibility -- a good thing. I'm curious about myself, about where I've been and where I'm going.
We'll see.
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