Sinking and Fear

I have recently compared my experience of this time of transition in my spiritual journey to that of floating on the water.  When I'm relaxed and capable of just being with the flow, the water, myself, God, I float along just fine.  However, when I tense up, try to control the flow, begin to worry, or want to "know," when my trust falters, I sink. 

Now, we all know what happens to new swimmers when they feel themselves beginning to sink, right?  They flounder, they flail around, grasping for whatever they can hold onto, to once again feel safe.  Over the last week, I have flailed around, grasping for whatever I can find to hold onto, to once again feel safe, secure, wanted, needed, remembered...all of those very human emotions.

This all reached a pinnacle last night.  As I lay in my bed fearful, full of doubt, questioning everything, I was drawn to examen.  I realized then that God was in control and I should allow God to do what God wanted!  As I reviewed my day, I was reminded of so many acts of grace that I experienced, of the grace I received, of the reminders that I am in the hearts of many people.  I was shown that I will not be forgotten. 

I went to sleep reassured.  I woke this morning to a feeling of well-being that has been absent for about a week now.  Nice.  My "work" for this week is to allow God to heal the fear in my heart of being forgotten.  I'll be spending some time on that this week. 

The other word I received is "slow" -- as in slow down, slow process, slow (and deep) work ahead. I see those bright yellow caution signs for road work.  Ah yes.  Road work.  Ufdah.