Crying Out and Demanding An Answer

I've gone and done it. I have shaken my fist at God and demanded an answer to my fervent prayers for assistance! All through the Psalms we hear that repeated. In the New Testament, we hear stories of beggars and women (!) demanding the attention of Christ. Well, yesterday morning, I demanded my Lord's attention and words of wisdom and enlightenment. God must have thought I could finally handle the answer to my prayers because I was filled with answers all morning. My eyes were opened, my ears were opened, my heart was opened. It was an amazing thing.

Wednesday in Centering Prayer we meditated on Mark 10:46-52 where Bartimaeus the beggar would not be silenced and kept calling out to Jesus. Jesus responded by calling Bartimaeus to him and asking what he wanted Jesus to do for him. Bartimaeus responds that he desires to see. It seems so simple, Jesus healing the vision of one more person, but it spoke so much more to me. Jesus rewarded Bartimaeus for his faith, for his persistence in that faith when a resolution to his problem did not appear to be forthcoming; when people attempted to silence his pleas. I believe that is what happened with me yesterday. I had had enough of waiting. Of silencing myself. So I heard Jesus ask what I wanted him to do for me. I told Jesus EVERYTHING.

That's not as easy as it sounds. That's part of the opening of my heart. I was able to be completely, painfully honest, drop all pretense about what I was feeling and just felt it and shared it with Jesus. I was tired of not getting the response I THOUGHT I wanted from those around me. I was tired of not knowing what I THOUGHT I desperately wanted to know. What I received from Jesus was not the answers or the responses I was seeking from my fellow humans. I received Grace. I received the simple pleasure of knowing I had been heard. Heard for what I was saying, how I was feeling, what I was thinking and that I never had to hesitate, censor my thoughts or words, I could just say to Jesus ANYTHING and get a loving response that I had been heard.

Suddenly, it didn't matter anymore what response I got from those around me. It didn't matter if I ever received the information I had thought it was so necessary to have. I had received attention from God. Period. I could be the me that God had made me, no filters, no shadows -- just me. I'm not sure if I'm communicating how exhilarating that is for me, but it is simply that -- exhilarating!