Time to Sit with God

While sitting with my spiritual friend this afternoon, he said that he felt it was time for me to sit with God for a while.  You see, I find myself at a confluence of thought, emotion, spiritual questing, and physical tiredness.

A confluence is a meeting of two or more flowing water sources -- at least in my experience that's what it is.  My use of that word is very deliberate.  In my experience of my own thought processes, the way my emotions work, the spiritual journey I've been on, and the way my body responds to stress, it's all flowing.  I have been learning to go with the flow of my life rather than pushing the river.  So, you can tell, I'm all over the water metaphors!

The undercurrents of a confluence can be very strong, confusing -- misdirecting -- exhausting.  I've been struggling with having a divided heart and mind about my relationship with God and how I accomplish God's work given to me in the world.  Apparently, it is time for me to sit with God.

Now, when I sit with God, when my mind and heart and soul are full, I don't converse with God.  I simply sit and listen.  Admittedly, I do begin my time sitting with a prayer of thanksgiving, of submission, of opening my heart to hear.  Then...I listen.

It's amazing what I hear.  The simplest things become rich, music-like.  The rustling of tree leaves, the honk of a goose, the crunch on pavement of someone walking, the smell of whatever is in the air at a given moment, the feel of the chair, bench, ground that I'm sitting on -- all of these sensory experiences wrap me and invite me to drop deeper into an experience of God's presence than I normally allow. 

That's when the silence envelopes me.  A silence that is thick and sweet.  A silence that is permeated by love, pure love, indescribable in its acceptance and unconditional essence.  The love of the universe.  In this spot, I hear, I receive -- what I can seldom verbalize, yet when I return to the world, things are clearer, struggling is gone, acceptance and submission are possible and a joy, a sublime joy permeates my heart and my spirit.  Answers to my questions may or may not be present, may or may not have risen to the top of my consciousness, but joy is there.

Gratitude.  Grace.  Amen and Amen.

Gratitude, Anticipation, Joy...and Grief

Recently, I've been giving a lot of thought to grieving and the holidays.  Yeah, I know, that's a rough way to begin a post isn't it?

Yet, it is that time of year when family and friends draw near.

It is that time of year when family and friends draw near and notice who isn't there. 

We have been trained by the great marketing experts to deny any sadness this time of year.  My own grief is not nearly so intense this year as it has been previously.  The heaviness began to fade last year around this time.  I was surprised by that.  You see, my mother fell just after Thanksgiving 2006.  A lot of you reading this will be very familiar with the downward spiral that follows a fall by the elderly, especially the cognitively challenged elderly.  By December 22nd she was gone.  So, Thanksgiving and Christmas have really been difficult for me for a few years.

Yes, I have "put on the good face" for my children's sake, so that they could have a "good" holiday season.  Of course, we all know what happens when the "good face" goes on, right?  In our family, in my life, when my "good face" goes on, my attitude goes down the tubes.  I get very tired, very emotional, very paranoid....just very everything!  Not an enjoyable way to spend the holidays!

Nor is it the way we really should spend the holidays.  I am quite fortunate to have a community of family and friends who are very supportive of me during the holidays.  They understand.  Indeed, there have been times when my pastor has bravely and compassionately suggested that I step back a little and take it easy during the worst of my down time.  That was hard to hear.  Yet, it was very good advice. 

As we enter into a time of grieving, whether it is heavy and intense or simply a period of occasional sadness, it is healthy to step back and allow that to happen.  Grief is a natural emotion surrounding loss.  The loss does not have to be about death either.  Grief happens when we lose a job, a friend, a house, a community.  Even good transitions can bring grief!

Our family has endured a good bit of stress this last year, leaving us tentative at times in hoping all will be well.  Yet, I can't help but experience my faith that God is in this life of ours; that God is moving blocks around that will slowly fall into place in a way that will further God's plan for our lives.

Perhaps that very plan involves my healing from the deepest of my grief.  My personal belief is that my mother is healed and whole and "understands" all of those things that she always questioned.  My belief is comforting this year in a way it hasn't always been.  That is a good thing; a God thing. 

When I think about our traditional holiday season, it encompasses Thanksgiving, Advent, and Christmas--a season full of gratitude, anticipation, joy...and grief.  Is it possible to enjoy a time of giving thanks for what God has provided, even the way in which God has provided, all that we need?  Rejoice in the face of grief?  Of loss?  I believe it is, given what God has provided.  That whole "all that we need" is what Christmas is all about.  The love of God, healing, merciful, forgiving, comforting...yes, that was the gift of Christmas...yes, that is what any of us who are grieving need the most. 

Dare I say that I am looking forward to experiencing the depth and breadth of my emotions this holiday season.  The gratitude, anticipation, joy...and grief, each as it comes; each as the gift that it is, bringing me closer to God, to my family, to my community.