What a Journey -- What a Life

So, my last post had to do with pain and my dawning awareness that chronic pain takes an alarming toll on one's Spirit.  I am fortunate in that the pain has abated.  My toe apparently is not broken. I am still taking it easy with it.  No dancing for a couple more weeks to be safe.  The surgery sites on my face are healing.

These are good things, good realizations to have.  The time I've spent resting has been good for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  However, the time spent quietly listening to myself (self-talk as well as just thinkin') and to God has allowed some interesting thoughts to gel. 

I know I have buttons which I allow others to push.  Buttons installed a very long time ago.  Buttons which bring out fear, hopelessness, anger, distrust, disgust.  What I have noticed over the last week, however, is that I am getting better about realizing what's happening, feeling the reaction start.  Recently, I've been able to stop myself, to keep my mouth shut instead of making some asinine remark. 

There's a lot of ancient history I need to look at to even better understand why I am the way I am and how I need to go about changing, taking control of those buttons -- perhaps even uninstalling them eventually.  An especially wonderful aspect to all of this though is that in seeing my buttons, recognizing my reactionary way of dealing with them, I also am able to acknowledge my progress, acknowledge the fact that I function very well in community, in society, in my family.  I say this because when all is said and done, my survival, my current state of health and well being is fairly surprising! 

The fact of my ability to pat myself on the back, to acknowledge how well I am, is something that I've always had difficulty doing.  So from that whole "third eye" perspective thing -- I'm not worried.  Not being worried is a big thing.  I'm not fearful of what I need to look at -- a new sensibility -- a good thing.  I'm curious about myself, about where I've been and where I'm going.

We'll see.

One of Those Weeks

I've just finished one of "those" weeks --  you know, the kind where the boss is out of the office all week and there's all this "open/easy" time there for use in catching up on all those things that get behind when things are crazy....Well, this week didn't quite work out that way.  Admittedly, my desk looks a whole lot better than it did last Friday; however, it isn't all done.

I've spent a lot of time this week spinning my wheels--not sure of which way to go, what to do next, etc.  A few unexpected things came up this week; in addition, our family has had a little drama going on as well.  Our favorite word is "ufdah" -- it's a Norwegian word of emotional outburst and is to very applicable to so many occasions! 

Gratefully, my husband nurtured me this week; he also helped me make the decision to go dancing earlier tonight.  So, I've had an opportunity to get some physical activity in to help clear my head.  Clearing my head...yup, that's a good idea.  I have an interview in the morning with our denomination's Regional Minister and a graveside service to offer Sunday morning.  Lots to think about.  Now, however, my body is tired and my mind is at ease.

I'll definitely keep my sermon journal by the bed in case I wake up in the middle of the night with inspirations.  God is funny like that!  I think it's because all of my defenses are down when I'm tired.  So the synapses might fire a little slower, but in the end, they fire a little more relaxed as well, keeping the lines of communication open longer.  The feeling is almost like a warmth spreading through my body, beginning in my head! 

Yummy stuff.  I see words like light and joy and healing and hope radiating with God's love.  I believe those words are the words most helpful to hear at a funeral.  They will be the basis of a short homily.

Sorry, can't keep my eyes open any longer.  g'night.