Emotional Check-In Time

Well, it's the 26th of December.  Christmas plus 1. 

I can happily report that our day yesterday was incredibly wonderful.  I say that happily because the day was shared with family, my faith community, then a close circle of friends over an abundantly set table.  We celebrated Christmas, the year we've all had, and we acknowledged that this holiday season has been joyful for me. 

You see, my family, my friends, and my faith community have all witnessed my struggles over the last five years to have some sort of joy in this season of joy.  It was an intimate and gentle celebration that happened last evening when I quietly made a toast to the lightness of my heart.  The friend who was sitting next to me at the dinner table turned to me with the sweetest smile, touched my glass, and said, to a return of joy.  Yes!

All of this is not to say that there haven't been rough patches this season.  I wasn't as strong as I thought and attended the funeral of a friend's mother.  Much to my surprise, that really knocked me in my knees and sent me in a downward spiral of blue, deep blue.  It took me quite a few days to recover from that.  A good bit of weeping.  Yet recover I did.

Then there was another death in our congregation, that of a woman I knew but had not been close enough to...she had been a caregiver for her husband and in the intensity of that responsibility had not investigated her own health problems.  When I heard about her hospitalization, eventual entrance into hospice care, and death...I felt a lot of guilt over my lack of attention to her needs as a caregiver in our midst.  However, I came to the decision that I was too fragile at that point to attend her service of remembrance.  I remained in the kitchen and social hall and worked the refreshment table at the visitation reception.  I gave of myself in her memory in a different way.  A way that felt good.  I think she understood.  I believe she has forgiven me my lapse.

When I stopped afterward to think about what I had chosen, it was evident to me that I had made a good choice, a choice that took care of myself in a proactive sort of way.  I felt good about that.  I made it through the event without the same sort of downward spiral as I had experienced with my friend's mother. 

Obviously, there has been a lot of time and water under the bridge of my grief.  I am breathing a sigh of relief actually.  Yet, I still see my perspective is skewed in that I am very aware of the grief involved in changes I and my family are in the midst of -- my going to work, the shifting around of office spaces between my husband and me, changes necessary in the flow of the family routines like music lessons and after school activities. 

So, my prayer for myself and my family is one for God's comfort, strength, sense of security, and JOY to inhabit each of us as we move through the next month.   We'll see.

I believe God has us all covered!