A powerful, thought-provoking insight....

Give me a well-trained tongue that has been borne out of silent listening in the sanctuary of my heart.

~ sevensacredpauses by Macrina Wiederkehr

Friday, September 17, 2010

Control Freak

I am experiencing myself as a control freak recently.

There is a lot going on in my head, my life right now that I have no control over. Nothing actually scary. A lot that is challenging. A lot that is actually fairly affirming. Yet, I have no control over it.

Yet...this awareness that I am struggling with that issue is great! I'm happy about that. Up until a minute ago, I hadn't truly owned my struggle. Now, that is God. God and I have been having a running conversation lately...well, maybe not a conversation. Conversation is a two-way street. I've just been complaining, and venting my anxieties...NOT LISTENING. Gotta laugh here. Really. I know better. I'm so glad there is grace which abounds. I need a lot of it.

Now...now I get to roll around in a huge puddle of grace...and struggle and wrestle with what I want, need (yeah right), desire from God as far as God's plans for my life go. I know that's ridiculous. I know who will, in the end, win the wrestling match. You know what though? I enjoy the struggle. I enjoy the mud-wrestling in the puddle of grace that I now get to do with God. Why? Because God is good all the time. All the plans God has for my life are good plans. I can trust that. I do trust that. Yet, in my humanity, I struggle with some other force directing my life at times. All those successes I've had all on my own...oh, yeah. Right. Nope. Never happened.

All those disasters I've had all on my own...yep. When I have decided to go it alone and be the proverbial 100th sheep. Christ has sought me out and brought me home, dirty, cranky, yet in a way SO HAPPY. I love God. I love the relationship I have with God through Christ and the Holy Spirit. How rich is my life? I cannot even describe it. What I struggle with is in the end so miniscule and insignificant. I am a drop in the ocean of the universe. Essential, yes, for if all the drops disappeared, went their own way, where would the ocean be? Yet without the other drops, I am insignificant. Christ is the ocean, we are the drops. Christ is the body, we are the parts. All of us should be working together, valuing the differences, celebrating the completeness we encounter together.

Thank you God for getting in the puddle. Let's Go!


Lily said...

Way to go, Daphne! Sounds a lot like me. Wish I had your "close" relationship with God that you describe. Maybe you should consider writing as your "field of service".
Love you,

Subee41 said...

Yes, God is always good and we are the coins in His pocket. We should allow Him to spend them (us) as He sees best. However, from one control freak to another, it ain't easy!