Being Brought to Silence

For the first time in my life, while actively conversing with a clergy friend, I was stopped in my tracks so to speak. Just literally drawn to be quiet and reflective and still. I'm sure I looked quite odd. My friend stopped talking and looked at me and asked what was wrong. I couldn't tell him. It was as though a cajillion thoughts were bombarding my brain at the same time and had short circuited something, blown a fuse . . . but not really. It was strangely quiet and calm in my head, but not my soul.

I had been asked by the chair of our Eldership to provide the answers to two questions to them this Saturday and those two questions had been on my mind. I believe God wanted me to hear what my friend had to say about those two questions. So, when I found my voice again, I told my friend my thoughts, how I had thought about responding, and he questioned my reasoning, my thoughts, my feelings, my knowledge -- it was extremely hard to hear; it was frightening to hear. I think that's why I needed to hear it. The coolest thing was that I didn't get defensive. I listened -- because God wanted me to -- and I asked questions and listened some more. It was kinda weird!

I've composed my responses and have shared them with three people whom I trust. One of whom is this friend. He has responded favorably. I guess I'll see what the other two say tomorrow.

What I found frightening was the intensity of God's interaction in this. It's as though God were saying, "Pay attention. This is serious. No more bullshit. Be truthful. Be mine." What I found fascinating was my ability to recognize it for what it was almost immediately. There was nothing evil or scary to sense. This was a time of intense discernment -- possible only because I was willing to go there. The chemistry between me and my friend is such that I cannot lie to him. Period. So when he asked, a second time, what was going on, I had to tell him. At first only confused by the way I felt, what I was sensing. This encounter was extremely intimate in that it was in my head, heart, and soul. This encounter was extremely powerful in that it made me inventory my call. I'm still not willing, I guess, to look at where this will ultimately take me. I'm leaving that to God.

Ufdah. Time for sleep!