Confluence

I'm sitting here tonight working on about three things at once.  Taking a break from each to work on the others.  I am absolutely certain there are others out there doing the same thing!

With all the transitions happening in my life right now, I'm being extremely careful of how I react to others.  I'm being so because I am a little suspicious of my own emotional volatility.  While on the surface it might seem to add yet one more thing to my head, it actually feels pretty good.  As I am more present to my own emotional state, I'm being more present.  Period.  That is always a good thing. 

Over the last couple of days I have had a few conversations with folks where I was becoming too...something.  I began to feel the edges of frustration and anger floating under the surface as well as the thick gooey feelings of sadness that I know is grief.  Yet, on the other hand has been incredible, deep joy.  The joy of knowing I'm on the right track. 

Stepping out in faith, not knowing for sure what's coming, what God has in store for me is exciting, I admit.  It feels good to be in a place where I can do that.  I have a tremendously fulfilling job now that is paying me enough.  So, what comes next in this ministry mustard seed that's been planted in me to work with those with dementia and their caregivers is free to come at its own speed.  I don't anticipate having to quit my job in order to do this ministry.  I say that because every day God points out to me that I am engaged in an important ministry within the responsibilities of my job.  Every day I have awesome conversations with caregivers needing to talk.

There are aspects to this transition which continue to make me sad.  Having to give up my ministerial commission is painful and on a very elemental level feels very "unfair."  Yet, God sees that, feels that sadness and is, I believe, sad right along with me.  I do believe that something will be resolved around this issue that will allow me, in the end, to continue preaching and pastorally caring for folks, to be able to counsel and marry couples, to be Pastor Daphne.  We'll see.

Basically, it comes down to needing to slow down, needing to be quiet and listen, needing to be patient and wait.  I can do that.