Wednesday morning in my house was unsatisfactory to say the least. I felt cheated out of my "God time" by husband and kid who got up before I would have normally expected them. I was all ticked off, yet when I returned home after getting the kids to school, my husband had left for work already and the house was quiet.
That's when it happened. I sat down at my dining room table and took a deep breath. Now, what I'm about to tell you...don't send for the men in the white coats please...God was there; across the table from me. Okay, so I didn't "see" God, but I certainly felt God's overwhelming presence.
It was as though God said, "It's okay dear. I'm here now. Let's talk." So, I did. I opened my heart and said all those things that had been crowding around in my head during the morning. I felt a slow smile spread on God's face...one of empathy and understanding. Then, I spoke of all that I wanted to get accomplished that day. Again, a slow nod of the head. All of a sudden, I said, "Okay, God. You need to set my priorities for the day. Tell me what to do first!" God replied, "Sure....Well, get a pen and some paper!" So I did. Then God began and I wrote, "1) Krissman - referral/Rx for mammogram and colonoscopy; 2) gynecologist appointment; 3) T's guitar lesson - set up; 4) Write introduction for Carl M.; 5) Check on notes, ideas for Retreat Workshop." I said, "Thanks! Got it!" God said, "Do you? Get it?"
Well, I did...sort of. I saw the pattern. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are my "self-care" days. I won't confess just how little time is actually spent caring for myself on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. So, it doesn't surprise me that the first two items on the list were to do with medical appointments for ME. Of course, I got those phone calls made and my writing done...all in time to participate in the weekly centering prayer group I attend at a church around the corner. Lovely, just lovely.
So many lessons keep coming to me from this exchange with God. I must take care of myself in order to take care of others. I am the only one who can pay attention to my body and respond when things are out of sorts. I am worthy of the attention. I can rely on God's desires for my health and happiness to guide my daily activities.
That said, so why am I sort of frightened that my gynecologist can see me tomorrow morning? When so many things "fall into place" in order to make something like that happen...I worry. I get anxious. Yes, I have faith that God is in this and that God is already turned the corner and is there before I get there. I pray that I can experience God being in that waiting room with me in the morning.
An acquaintance of mine said she was in awe of me for having such an intimate relationship with God. Sometimes it's wonderful; sometimes it's not. However, I do know that God is always there--whether I "see" God or not. I know that in the deepest place in my heart and soul. I am grateful for that.
So, we'll see how tomorrow morning goes.
Ufdah.
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