A powerful, thought-provoking insight....

Give me a well-trained tongue that has been borne out of silent listening in the sanctuary of my heart.

~ sevensacredpauses by Macrina Wiederkehr

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Difficult Patch

I began writing this blog to share my experiences along the way on my spiritual journey.

Pretty much, I've been able to find something positive in the experiences I've had however difficult or uncomfortable. Yet recently I've hit a very rough patch. Using the vocabulary of path talk, I'm stuck in an area of steep scary hills and dark valleys and twisting, confusing trails taking me far from my clear path.

What is going on?

I really don't like feeling the way I do right now. Antsy, uncomfortable, foggy, guilty, angry, confused, disappointed . . . any more yucky adjectives out there? Oh yeah, incompetent. Yep, that's a big one. Oh and the whole "imposter" thing of "being found out." Wow, that's old stuff. It's like all of my very old, stinky, crusty baggage is being pulled out of the forgotten closets and off the deep dark shelves where it's been hidden way back in the back of beyond.

This brings to mind so many Psalms and the flow of many of the plaintive Psalms that moves from complaint and fear and loathing to reassurance and trust and love. I believe I'm in that first part. Hopefully, time spent in prayers of thanksgiving, petition, and confession will perhaps help me move along in the forward direction toward reassurance of God's grace in my life, toward renewing my trust in God being the captain of my passage, and most of all, toward the love of Christ which I hold in my heart.

All of that being said, where does this leave evil? A good friend of mine has been known to remind me of my being tested occasionally. Not being tested by God. No. Rather by the evil in the world. Is that what this is about? If so, I feel as though I have failed miserably and that evil is pretty happy right now. But how do I really feel about the whole evil thing? I guess I'm sort of in denial that the evil in the world can and does go after us sometimes. Especially when we are, perhaps, sailing along quite happily. I know from experience that it's when we're sailing along quite happily that our defenses drop (i.e., our spiritual disciplines), and we become vulnerable. Is that what has happened here?

So, in addition to spending quite a bit of time in prayer, I need to take time to inventory my recent disciplines. Hmm.....that's another uncomfortable thing to do.

Yep. Time of prayer. Time for prayer.

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