Thursday, March 5, 2009
The "I"s have it . . . right now anyway.
In reading back through a recent, somewhat emotional email (which I'm supposed to be fasting from), what flew to my attention was the pronoun "I". It was ALL over the place. Wow! There are times when that pronoun comes in handy, like when one says "I apologize" or "I'm wrong". This, unfortunately, wasn't the case in this email.
On this journey, it has been very difficult for me to get that "I" out of the way. It's kinda like not seeing the forest for the trees. Only, it's not seeing God's path for me for the "I" in the way. Always needing to know. Always wanting to "figure out" what's coming next, instead of just being and letting things develop. It's about control. Wanting to keep control. But, exactly how much control is there to have? To keep? The idea of control is illusion. Yeah, right.
In the whole "ministry" thing (notice the two "i"s in ministry?, hmmm), the ego, the self-centered "I" must be relinquished for the One, to the One. Sometimes, during this journey, that's been possible. Most of the time, however, NOPE! Always craving understanding and acknowledgment and affirmation and . . . and (the list could go on and on). There needs to be more "being" in my life right now, less "doing." As our Sunday school teacher says, "God made us human beings not human doings." Yep!
This is a journey of growth and hope in the realization that the grace and mercy of Christ wrap me daily. Staying unsure of the answers, being with that lack of understanding, is possibly part of the answer. Who knows. "I" will just have to stay with this one for a while.