Thoughts on the Journey

Emotional Check-In Time

2011-12-26T18:05:00.004-05:00

Well, it's the 26th of December. Christmas plus 1.

I can happily report that our day yesterday was incredibly wonderful. I say that happily because the day was shared with family, my faith community, then a close circle of friends over an abundantly set table. We celebrated Christmas, the year we've all had, and we acknowledged that this holiday season has been joyful for me.

You see, my family, my friends, and my faith community have all witnessed my struggles over the last five years to have some sort of joy in this season of joy. It was an intimate and gentle celebration that happened last evening when I quietly made a toast to the lightness of my heart. The friend who was sitting next to me at the dinner table turned to me with the sweetest smile, touched my glass, and said, to a return of joy. Yes!

All of this is not to say that there haven't been rough patches this season. I wasn't as strong as I thought and attended the funeral of a friend's mother. Much to my surprise, that really knocked me in my knees and sent me in a downward spiral of blue, deep blue. It took me quite a few days to recover from that. A good bit of weeping. Yet recover I did.

Then there was another death in our congregation, that of a woman I knew but had not been close enough to...she had been a caregiver for her husband and in the intensity of that responsibility had not investigated her own health problems. When I heard about her hospitalization, eventual entrance into hospice care, and death...I felt a lot of guilt over my lack of attention to her needs as a caregiver in our midst. However, I came to the decision that I was too fragile at that point to attend her service of remembrance. I remained in the kitchen and social hall and worked the refreshment table at the visitation reception. I gave of myself in her memory in a different way. A way that felt good. I think she understood. I believe she has forgiven me my lapse.

When I stopped afterward to think about what I had chosen, it was evident to me that I had made a good choice, a choice that took care of myself in a proactive sort of way. I felt good about that. I made it through the event without the same sort of downward spiral as I had experienced with my friend's mother.

Obviously, there has been a lot of time and water under the bridge of my grief. I am breathing a sigh of relief actually. Yet, I still see my perspective is skewed in that I am very aware of the grief involved in changes I and my family are in the midst of -- my going to work, the shifting around of office spaces between my husband and me, changes necessary in the flow of the family routines like music lessons and after school activities.

So, my prayer for myself and my family is one for God's comfort, strength, sense of security, and JOY to inhabit each of us as we move through the next month. We'll see.

I believe God has us all covered!

Balance

2011-11-29T08:47:00.001-05:00

I feel like I am on a teeter-totter. Or perhaps I've become a bungee cord. In any event, I am experiencing a now familiar sensation of being pulled in two directions. Ministry ~ Family. "Family" encompasses the kids' schooltime activities, the housewifely things I do around the house, my husband's needs, my own needs, my desire to help with the big Christmas tree project at church. Then there's the "Ministry" work which encompasses the monthly newsletter we publish and a whole bucket full of phone calls and visits I want to make.

Balance. What do I make of that? That becomes my prayer frequently: "Dear God, please help me find balance. Make it plain what I need to be doing when I need to be doing it." Yeah. Pretty straightforward and sort of lazy. I mean. Really. God has a giant flashlight and is going to very obviously light my (and only my) way through the maze of my life. Yeah.

I have to be honest here. Yes, that prayer I just shared is one I pray frequently. However, it is also a prayer that rarely gets answered in a straightforward way. God expects me to do the heavy lifting with most of the prayers I pray that are like that one. No surprise. The best indication of whether I'm doing what God expects of me is how I feel in my heart. If what I'm doing is weighing heavily, then I need to be doing something else. Something else which brings joy and happiness into my heart. The other stuff can either wait or someone else (wow) will do it.

The realization that everything (yes, everything) I have in my life is from God helps me with trusting God. God makes everything Good. So, God wants me to have a good life with my family. God wants me to find fulfillment in the ministry I do. God has given me a wise and discerning heart for a reason.

I need to remember that and allow it to be the determining factor in my teeter-tottering/bungee cord existence.

Gratitude, Anticipation, Joy...and Grief

2011-11-17T17:36:00.001-05:00

Recently, I've been giving a lot of thought to grieving and the holidays. Yeah, I know, that's a rough way to begin a post isn't it?

Yet, it is that time of year when family and friends draw near.

It is that time of year when family and friends draw near and notice who isn't there.

We have been trained by the great marketing experts to deny any sadness this time of year. My own grief is not nearly so intense this year as it has been previously. The heaviness began to fade last year around this time. I was surprised by that. You see, my mother fell just after Thanksgiving 2006. A lot of you reading this will be very familiar with the downward spiral that follows a fall by the elderly, especially the cognitively challenged elderly. By December 22nd she was gone. So, Thanksgiving and Christmas have really been difficult for me for a few years.

Yes, I have "put on the good face" for my children's sake, so that they could have a "good" holiday season. Of course, we all know what happens when the "good face" goes on, right? In our family, in my life, when my "good face" goes on, my attitude goes down the tubes. I get very tired, very emotional, very paranoid....just very everything! Not an enjoyable way to spend the holidays!

Nor is it the way we really should spend the holidays. I am quite fortunate to have a community of family and friends who are very supportive of me during the holidays. They understand. Indeed, there have been times when my pastor has bravely and compassionately suggested that I step back a little and take it easy during the worst of my down time. That was hard to hear. Yet, it was very good advice.

As we enter into a time of grieving, whether it is heavy and intense or simply a period of occasional sadness, it is healthy to step back and allow that to happen. Grief is a natural emotion surrounding loss. The loss does not have to be about death either. Grief happens when we lose a job, a friend, a house, a community. Even good transitions can bring grief!

Our family has endured a good bit of stress this last year, leaving us tentative at times in hoping all will be well. Yet, I can't help but experience my faith that God is in this life of ours; that God is moving blocks around that will slowly fall into place in a way that will further God's plan for our lives.

Perhaps that very plan involves my healing from the deepest of my grief. My personal belief is that my mother is healed and whole and "understands" all of those things that she always questioned. My belief is comforting this year in a way it hasn't always been. That is a good thing; a God thing.

When I think about our traditional holiday season, it encompasses Thanksgiving, Advent, and Christmas--a season full of gratitude, anticipation, joy...and grief. Is it possible to enjoy a time of giving thanks for what God has provided, even the way in which God has provided, all that we need? Rejoice in the face of grief? Of loss? I believe it is, given what God has provided. That whole "all that we need" is what Christmas is all about. The love of God, healing, merciful, forgiving, comforting...yes, that was the gift of Christmas...yes, that is what any of us who are grieving need the most.

Dare I say that I am looking forward to experiencing the depth and breadth of my emotions this holiday season. The gratitude, anticipation, joy...and grief, each as it comes; each as the gift that it is, bringing me closer to God, to my family, to my community.

Emotional Authenticity

2011-11-03T15:55:00.001-04:00

When we can be honest, or authentic, about the way we feel, we are more trustworthy. Plain and simple.

As a caregiver, it is important to experience ourselves as trustworthy and to be seen as trustworthy. How about in our relationship with God?

God knows us; God sees everything we do and hears everything we think. So, what’s the big deal? The big deal is in the response we receive from God when we are authentic about our emotions.

Most of us hide our emotions when we fear they will be misunderstood, upsetting, or judged in some way. Wow. That could be most of the time, especially when we are under stress. As caregivers, that position is fairly frequent is it not?

A question to ponder: How are we to receive the support we need if we are not honest about what we need? We can always depend on God to meet us where we are. If we are angry or frustrated, God will respond with acceptance. If we are worried or afraid, God will respond with comfort. If we are joyful and happy, God will respond with even greater joy!

God is not as worried about our emotions as we are. We were created with emotions which are signposts to activity in our minds and hearts. So, as we hear in Ecclesiastes, to everything there is a season. Trust yourself to feel whatever emotion you need to feel at any given moment.

The choice, of course, is how you respond, inwardly and outwardly. That’s where being in contact with God is a helpful thing. Let God meet you where you are and help. When God is invited into a conflict or stressful situation, anxiety levels fall.

Being authentic with a friend—especially one who knows what you are going through—will help in unexpected ways. That friend can become God with skin on, with arms to enfold you when you need a hug. Authenticity in our relationships with loved ones is essential.

Once you get a taste of being where you are emotionally, being where you are spiritually and even physically becomes more feasible.

My favorite prayer: “Be still and know that I am God.” Be.

2011-10-24T17:16:00.001-04:00

What a Gift! God's Love as Work!

Sermon for Vespers at Clairmont OaksRetirement Residence

October 23, 2011

Rev. Daphne C. Reiley

OurWork is God's Love; we are to be it, do it, share it…

untilGod takes us home to rest!

Psalm 90:1-6,13-17:

Lord,you have been our dwelling place in all generations.

Beforethe mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth and theworld, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

Youturn us back to dust, and say, "Turn back, you mortals."

Fora thousand years in your sight are like yesterday when it is past, or like awatch in the night.

Yousweep them away; they are like a dream, like grass that is renewed in themorning; in the morning it flourishes and is renewed; in the evening it fadesand withers.

.. .

Turn,O Lord! How Long? Have compassion onyour servants!

Satisfyus in the morning with your steadfast love, so that we may rejoice and be gladall our days.

Makeus glad as many days as you have afflicted us, and as many years as we haveseen evil.

Letyour work be manifest to your servants, and your glorious power to theirchildren.

Letthe favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and prosper for us the work of ourhands—O prosper the work of our hands!

We grow, we work, we flourish, we fade and wither.

How long that takes is our lifetime—is the lifetime Godhas gifted us.

Where do you see yourself along that path? Are you still growing and flourishing? Yes, I know…when you get to be of a"certain age" it is easy to believe you aren't growing, much lessflourishing, any more.

Well, I'm here to tell you that you are growing, you areflourishing. The sheer fact that you arepresent here, for worship, for fellowship, to share joys and concerns, to praiseGod…you are growing and flourishing.

As ongoing creations of God, our Spirits neednurture. We are renewed "eachmorning" as we give ourselves into God's care. With the gift of each day, we are encouragedto grow closer to God; flourishing in lives lived faithfully.

Part of flourishing is working. It is through working that we learn, it isthrough working that we move closer to God.

But…what is our work?

Listen for the Word of God in our text from Deuteronomy34:1-12:

Then Moses went upfrom the plains of Moab to Mount Nebo, to the top of Pisgah, which is oppositeJericho, and the Lord showed him the whole land: …The Lord said to him,"This is the land of which I swore to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob,saying, 'I will give it to your descendants'; I have let you see it with youreyes, but you shall not cross over there." Then Moses, the servant of the Lord died there in the land of Moab, atthe Lord's command. … Moses was one hundred twenty years old whenhe died; his sight was unimpaired and his vigor had not abated. The Israelites wept for Moses in the plainsof Moab thirty days; then the period of mourning for Moses was ended. Joshua son of Nun was full of the spirit ofwisdom, because Moses had laid his hands on him; and the Israelites obeyed him,doing as the Lord had commanded Moses.

Moses…120 years old!

We know Moses' work began in Egypt and ended in thedesert.

Moses leftquite a legacy, inspiring the whole people of God.

We see in our text that Moses' Work started in Egypt,eventually bringing the Israelites out of Egypt and into the desert. Moses then guided them spiritually andphysically through the deserts of their lives. Teaching, prodding, reproving, celebrating the many life-changing eventsthat happened, and grieving a multitude of losses.

If we look at the Work Moses accomplished, through thegifts God bestowed upon him, we see that Moses became an instrument of God'sLove, advocating for the People of Israel, even to experiencing God face toface!

Moses understood his obligation to share God's vision forIsrael. In response to that aspect ofhis Work, he consecrated Joshua son of Nun as his successor. He shared with Joshua the "spirit ofwisdom" which God had given him; Moses also shared his vision of Israel,of the promised land which God had entrusted to him.

Moses shared his experience of the Love of God.

Hear now what Paul shares in his first letter to theThessalonians, 2:1-8:

… we had courage inour God to declare to you the gospel of God in spite of great opposition. For our appeal does not spring from deceit orimpure motives or trickery, but just as we have been approved by God to be entrustedwith the message of the gospel, even so we speak, not to please mortals, but toplease God who tests our hearts. … So deeply do we care for you that we aredetermined to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our ownselves, because you have become very dear to us.

It takes courage to be an instrument of God's Love in theworld. It takes courage to share the Loveof God, the Good News…courage which is a gift from God.

It takes courage to share our vision for the World wewill leave behind.

Paul relates that they want to share not only the Gospelbut also themselves.   Paul, Silas, and Timothyhave so much to offer the Thessalonians in terms of experience, of spiritualguidance, of the love of Christ!

You too have so much to offer!
          God hasentrusted us with this message.
                    We are consecrated for this Work at ourbaptism!
                            Dare we refuse to take up our Work orput it down prematurely?

We have been givensuch a wondrous gift: our lives, our journeys—those all belong to God. How are we using them?

Whether we are 20, 50, or 90—there are ways in which wecan offer our experience of the Love of God, the Good News to others weencounter.

Human history is an oral history. We love telling our stories.   Telling Christ's story is our blessing andour legacy to the Church's descendants.

In Matthew, we hear the words of Jesus himself, 22:34-40:

When the Phariseesheard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, and one ofthem, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. "Teacher, which commandment in the lawis the greatest?" He said to him,"'You shall love the Lord your God with all yourheart, and with all of your soul, and with all your minds.' This is thegreatest and first commandment. And asecond is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments hang all the lawand the prophets."

We know our Work! Weare called to love God with all of our heart, soul, and mind and our neighborsas ourselves. Yes!

Is this not what we see in Deuteronomy with Moses?
          Moses isdrawn into and through a desert by his love of God.
                   Alove of God which he has shared with the Israelites.

Is this not whatwe hear from Paul in his letter to the Thessalonians?
         "So deeply do we care for you that we aredetermined to share with you notonly the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you have become very dear to us."

We know our neighbors.
      We have our own stories of theLove of God;.
           We know what our Work is set to be.

How then do we show that we love God?

We demonstrate to the world,

thatGod loves us, and
that through Jesus Christ, God has redeemed usall—

It is that very profound Love of God which inspires us tobe, do, and share our story.

It is the profound Love of God which is the story we areto share,
to prepareothers to carry forward our dream,
thevision of the Kingdom of God entrusted to us by God.

What a work! Whata story! What a vision!

Amen!

Mother/Daughter Aha Moment

2011-10-20T21:02:00.000-04:00

As a mother, I always hoped that I would have a good relationship with my daughter. I've got to say here that I worry about that because my relationship with my own mother left a lot to be desired.

My daughter is in my prayers almost all the time (as is my son). I strive to hear her voice and not mine as a 10 year old. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't.

I also realize that there are influences beyond the front door that have great impact on the way my daughter sees me and the family and the world at large. I do my best to monitor those influences, but hey, she goes to a public school, she has access to the internet, she reads (A LOT), and she talks with folks quite comfortably.

Last night, as she was getting ready for bed, my 10 year old daughter came to me and said, "Can we talk?" I said, "Of course." She said, "In my room?" Off we went. I wasn't sure what was on her mind, but it seemed pretty serious. My beautiful, intelligent, sensitive daughter asked me if we could share about our days. Yep. She wanted to tell me (and have me JUST listen) and then she wanted to hear about my day. Wow! Of course, I said YES!

She shared about her day (pretty rough) and I commiserated with her. She seemed so relieved that I hadn't offered advice or admonition. Then, she did the most amazing thing to me...she looked me directly in the eye and asked me about my day! Seriously. I was faced with a decision. Just how authentic was I prepared to be with my 10 year old?

I decided I could be fairly authentic to my day. It had been full of "big" emotions for me, tiring in their intensity. I shared that. It felt wonderful.

The result? Prayers answered (for now). Hope instilled for my relationship with my daughter. Love it!

Mystic Happenings

2011-10-14T23:03:00.000-04:00

There are times in all of our lives when we feel closer to God. I have found that when I am in deep contemplation of questions I feel much closer to God. Through this blog, I have shared my personal images of wrestling with God in a pool of grace; of sitting with God across the dining room table; of having God envelop me with peace and warmth as only God can do. When I experience God in these ways, I experience physical responses.

Recently, I decided to take myself on a retreat to the Monastery of Our Lady of the Holy Spirit in Conyers, Georgia. I love the Monastery and have been "retreating" there for nigh on 30 years. I am now and was raised as a child in the Protestant tradition; yet, as a teen I dreamed of being a nun. I was drawn to and appreciative of the beautiful rigor of their cloistered life.

I have partaken of the writings of the early Church's mystics and have found them to be gently intriquing, oddly familiar. What I have found is that I hear a lot of my own experiences reflected in the writings I have explored.

This past week when I was at the Monastery, I was seeking God's word for me in regard to my call, my vocation and my future. There is an installation of the Stations of the Cross along a trail close to the lake. I decided to approach the Stations with the mindset of lectio divina, reading the prayers and reflections at each Station paying attention to what radiated or stood out for me. Over the next forty-five minutes, I traveled the Stations, hearing a word about trust and reliance again and again. Then, at the thirteenth or fourteenth Station, as I was reading a reflection on the nailing of Jesus to the Cross, a question was posed about the nail in the left hand: "Was the nail in the left hand for those consecrated yet living a lukewarm life?"

The Word received was overwhelming. I needed time and space to process what I felt God was trying to tell me. I walked on to the Chapel and sat in the cool quiet waiting for noon prayers only to find myself unable to stay, unable to sit still. So, I got up and began walking again, heading toward the Refrectory. Now, I see that I was unable to sit through the quiet of noon prayers because I did not want to hear what God had to say; I was unprepared to lift up to God what I was thinking and feeling; I was "running away."

As I was walking toward the Refrectory, the bells began to ring for prayers. With the first tones, my feet became rooted to the sidewalk. I was unable to move. The bell's tones filled me and traveled through my body, stirring my emotions, emptying my mind of words...out came single, powerful words offering up my doubt, fear, sorrow, questions, confession...they kept coming as each tone rang out. Only as the last tone faded away was I able to move once again. I was stunned. The point was well taken. Running away was not to be allowed; I was there to retreat and spend time with God.

Since my visit, I have had plenty of time to reflect on the Word I was given and how it might apply to my life, my call. Fortunately, I have a number of spiritual friends with whom I have shared my experiences and who have helped me by asking clarifying questions. Questions like do I consider myself as living a "lukewarm" life? How committed and enthusiastic have I been lately? Do I trust and rely on God to provide for me and my family? If I see myself as having clenched hands, grasping so tightly what I and my family have, how do I see God giving me anything? How will I be able to receive anything with clenched hands? Could I need to take a break? A pause on my journey, a plateau? Good, meaningful work is done on plateaus.

That, of course, brought me to ambition. What am I ambitious for...my own "success" or that of the Word I have been given to share? How does ambition play with a "lukewarm" life? Can ambition be acceptable within the work of a consecrated life?

Lots of questions; yet, I'm feeling less confused and more hopeful. Interesting how that is.

Telling Our Stories

2011-09-25T18:07:00.001-04:00

I've just returned from attending my first Disciples Women Retreat. What a weekend! Immersed in the loving sisterhood of such great faith, intelligence...women seeking sustenance from God and from each other. Telling our stories was the theme of the weekend. Wow! We had time to share and to listen. We had time to think of what would happen if we told our stories "out there" in addition to "in here."

I'll write more later...just had to say WOW!

Pulling It All Together: Putting Our Spiritual Practices into Action

2011-09-09T22:02:00.000-04:00

Over the last year and a half, in The Caregiver's Newsletter* we have been talking about a lot of different spiritual practices that caregivers can utilize to stay connected with the Holy: to gain perspective, to receive guidance, to be fed spiritually. When I was thinking about what to share this month, I decided it was time for some “applied” learning.

How can we use what we have learned about spiritual practices to help us when we find ourselves faced with a situation where we are angry or frustrated? In our roles as caregivers, we come face to face often with such emotions, and how we decide to sit with them determines our response.

Some of the spiritual practices we have discussed are prayer, listening, journaling, humor, Sabbath-keeping, examen, spiritual reading, fasting, and submission. Wow. Quite the toolbox. Within these spiritual practices, we have the resources to weave a tapestry of sorts that can support us when dealing with our more difficult emotions, especially those of anger and frustration.

The first practice, one which we have touched on briefly here and there, is breathing. Yep, pure air. Step back and take a very deep breath, maybe even two or three. Oxygenation is a good thing.

While breathing, a prayer for calm and clarity in the situation would be appropriate. A breath prayer, such as Peace. Be still. can be helpful. Then, asking a question of ourselves (examen) around the why of our anger or frustration. Listening to our hearts when the answer begins to form. One thing we have learned is that our hearts never really lie.

Next comes a sometimes difficult practice...speaking the truth in love. How can we address the issues which brought us to this place of anger and/or frustration in a loving and compassionate manner—loving and being compassionate with ourselves and the others involved. Perhaps the combination of a little humor, a little submission, and a lot of forgiveness is needed in the situation. There are times when observing a Sabbath rest or taking an extended respite break provides a much needed time in which to gain perspective.

Keeping in mind that we are all broken and wounded in some way and in need of God’s healing and mercy provides us perspective on the actions of others. Perhaps that perspective will help us gain some distance from the issue at the heart of our anger or frustration, giving us time to breathe, pray, question, and listen.

When in any stressful situation, remember to breathe in the Breath of God, full of grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

*The Caregiver's Newsletter is a publication of the Caregiver Spiritual Support Ministry of First Christian Church of Decatur (Disciples of Christ). Editors are Rev. Daphne C. Reiley and Mrs. Mary Ellen Fountain. Rev. Reiley writes a "Spiritual Practices for Caregivers" column each month.

Sitting with God across the dining room table

2011-09-01T20:17:00.001-04:00

Wednesday morning in my house was unsatisfactory to say the least. I felt cheated out of my "God time" by husband and kid who got up before I would have normally expected them. I was all ticked off, yet when I returned home after getting the kids to school, my husband had left for work already and the house was quiet.

That's when it happened. I sat down at my dining room table and took a deep breath. Now, what I'm about to tell you...don't send for the men in the white coats please...God was there; across the table from me. Okay, so I didn't "see" God, but I certainly felt God's overwhelming presence.

It was as though God said, "It's okay dear. I'm here now. Let's talk." So, I did. I opened my heart and said all those things that had been crowding around in my head during the morning. I felt a slow smile spread on God's face...one of empathy and understanding. Then, I spoke of all that I wanted to get accomplished that day. Again, a slow nod of the head. All of a sudden, I said, "Okay, God. You need to set my priorities for the day. Tell me what to do first!" God replied, "Sure....Well, get a pen and some paper!" So I did. Then God began and I wrote, "1) Krissman - referral/Rx for mammogram and colonoscopy; 2) gynecologist appointment; 3) T's guitar lesson - set up; 4) Write introduction for Carl M.; 5) Check on notes, ideas for Retreat Workshop." I said, "Thanks! Got it!" God said, "Do you? Get it?"

Well, I did...sort of. I saw the pattern. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are my "self-care" days. I won't confess just how little time is actually spent caring for myself on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. So, it doesn't surprise me that the first two items on the list were to do with medical appointments for ME. Of course, I got those phone calls made and my writing done...all in time to participate in the weekly centering prayer group I attend at a church around the corner. Lovely, just lovely.

So many lessons keep coming to me from this exchange with God. I must take care of myself in order to take care of others. I am the only one who can pay attention to my body and respond when things are out of sorts. I am worthy of the attention. I can rely on God's desires for my health and happiness to guide my daily activities.

That said, so why am I sort of frightened that my gynecologist can see me tomorrow morning? When so many things "fall into place" in order to make something like that happen...I worry. I get anxious. Yes, I have faith that God is in this and that God is already turned the corner and is there before I get there. I pray that I can experience God being in that waiting room with me in the morning.

An acquaintance of mine said she was in awe of me for having such an intimate relationship with God. Sometimes it's wonderful; sometimes it's not. However, I do know that God is always there--whether I "see" God or not. I know that in the deepest place in my heart and soul. I am grateful for that.

So, we'll see how tomorrow morning goes.

Ufdah.

Thoughts on Healing

2011-08-27T20:46:00.003-04:00

For any number of reasons lately I've been considering an holistic idea of healing. My thoughts have provoked a few questions which have lead me to possibly a different understanding of healing.

When we seek healing--whether spiritual, physical, or mental (emotional)--we are met with some expectations. Those expectations arise from our relationship with our Creator, from our relationship with our inner selves, and from our relationship with the World.

When we seek healing, we are, most of the time, fairly confident that we know what needs to be healed. However, are any of us truly whole and healthy with the exception of some specific ailment? I know I'm not. I have a lot of things that are broken or wounded within me.

That said, then, is healing possible as long as we are not fully aware of how wounded and in need of healing we are? How do we know where to start? Is healing possible without our participation? How much of our healing is held captive by our minds, by the way we perceive or see our selves? If we see our selves as sick, wounded, disabled, are we? What if we refuse to see our selves in that way, even though our bodies might actually be broken or wounded?

In scripture, we hear of Jesus healing many folks, with a touch or a simple, powerful Word. What if in some of the most powerful healing examples, Jesus actually was healing the way the person saw themselves? So much of the World's perception of us is governed by our own perception of our selves.

The story of the paralytic lowered through the roof of Jesus' house in Capernaum by four faithful friends was part of my licensing service. I love this story. It speaks so strongly to me of the steadfast faithfulness of our friends being a saving grace in our lives. Yet...when Jesus comments that it is the faith of the paralytic's friends which saved him, could he have been referring to the fact of the faithfulness of the friends, in sticking with this paralyzed man throughout his illness, regardless of his attitude or way of looking at his life? We're not told how long the man had been paralyzed; perhaps he had suffered an accident that left him unable to walk. Could, however, the greater paralyzation have been in his mind? Could the paralyzed man have given up? Perhaps. We read that the man did not get up immediately when Jesus told him his sins were forgiven. The paralyzed man got up when Jesus said, "you are healed, get up, fold up your mat, and go home." Jesus never touched the man. He spoke a simple, powerful Word of forgiveness and of hope, which redefined a man's image of himself, a man who had lived as a paralytic for quite some time.

So, when we need healing, dare we ask God, through Jesus Christ, for a Word of healing: forgiveness and hope? How can we, as conduits of God's grace into the world, provide that Word to others who are broken and wounded in the World?

Listening

2011-08-06T19:27:00.003-04:00

August. Around here it’s back to school time for our kids. One of the admonitions I always send my kids off to school with is “listen”!

Yet, listening is one of the most challenging aspects to any relationship whether it is parent and child; teacher and student; friend and friend; preacher and congregation; us and God.

The benefits to listening are innumerable! However, let’s look at a few reasons we fail to listen first. I tend to talk when I get nervous, excited, anxious, frustrated, unsure...you get the idea. I talk a lot! The first step toward learning to listen is learning to be quiet. Once I learned how to be quiet, learning to listen came easily. However, I still have the tendency to talk when I should listen so I have to continually monitor that within myself.

Listening is an important skill to build because listening is important to our relationships, to learning, to discerning God’s will for our lives. Listening is not simply hearing what someone else has to say. Listening is hearing with an open heart and open mind. Therein lies the difficulty. When we approach a conversation, whether with another person or in our prayers with God, in an attitude of “I know the answers but I’ll just listen to be polite or to be confirmed in my decision,” we miss the point; we miss an incredible opportunity to learn from one another, to truly hear God’s voice in our lives.

Listening with our hearts and minds wide open, opens our lives to untold abundance. When we listen to the people we have in our lives, we are sharing the gifts God has shared; when we listen to people who we do not know, we are offering ourselves as conduits of God’s grace; when we listen to God, we are the recipients of God’s love and mercy in ways which are unexpected, surprising, and incredible!

Do you have a hard time experiencing yourself as a gift from God to be shared with those around you? How about with being a conduit of God’s grace into the world? Seeing ourselves as worthy of being listened to is sometimes one of the most difficult aspects to listening, and another reason for talking.

Learning to accept ourselves as gifts of God, as conduits of Grace, takes time; takes a determination to listen to God and to those we trust when we hear words of affirmation, of confirmation. No one is perfect; we all make mistakes—yet God even uses those times and acts of imperfection!

When we have the strength and commitment to be quiet and listen, to receive the gift of God’s grace in our lives, we begin to believe God’s trust in us, God’s desire for us to be conduits of Grace. We can then begin to be quiet and listen to those in our lives who need it the most!

Another Perspective

2011-07-28T08:46:00.001-04:00

Our family just returned from a week-long adventure at Cumberland Dance Week. This was our SEVENTH year attending, and we have been on the planning committee now for three years.

The dance camp is sponsored by the Lloyd Shaw Foundation, a non-profit whose goal is to further American folk dance traditions. Now, a lot of thoughts have been percolating in my mind this week when I've been resting. (A note here...I rested a lot this year...more on that later.) What constitutes American folk dance traditions?

When we think of American folk dance, the most prevalent dance that comes to mind is square dancing. Yet, our folk dance culture is richer than that. At Cumberland Dance Week, we learn really tricky square dances, yes; but we also learn contra dances (a called dance utilizing most of the same "calls" as square dancing, only performed in two long lines), Rapper Sword dancing, Longsword dancing (the younger set loves learning dances involving "weaponry"), Appalachian clogging and "flat-footing", couple dances ranging from a waltz to a hambo, swing dancing, even dances such as the mambo, merenge, bachada.

My thoughts kept expanding what we could add to the American folk dance tradition. Since our culture is a melting pot of many other nations' cultures, what about hula dancing? belly dancing (we did have a impromptu belly dancing class a couple of years ago...very well attended too)? How about more Latin American dances? Native American dances? French Canadian dances? More Cajun?

Okay. I figure if you're reading this, you may be a little interested in my dance camp experience, but most likely you came to this page looking for something to do with spirituality. Am I right?

Well, I'm going there. As Christians in America, our churches tend to be vanilla, chocolate, strawberry...not so often fudge swirl or neopolitan even. We tend to gravitate to congregations that "look like us." Is that really the world we want to live in? God created a world rich in its complexity of races; each of these races have created incredible cultures...America has been so fortunate to have a share of almost every race and culture come to its shores. What have we done with it?

How have we shared cultural traditions across this huge rainbow of opportunity? I think the way we strive for this "swirl" depends on our perspective.

Christ called us to be uncomfortable. Have you ever noticed that? Jesus in his parables, in the Sermon on the Mount, in his challenges to the authority of the day challenged his followers to be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with the status quo; uncomfortable with the way society was working at the time. Is our society any different now? There remain people at the margins of society for whom very little if any justice and mercy exist.

As to perspective...our perspective as Christians should be focused on the margins of society; on doing justice, practicing mercy, and walking humbly with God. Part of how that happens is through hospitality, a true welcoming of all comers. How many out there reading this are a part of a church who welcomes the homeless, the LGBT community, or the immigrant into worship, into their programs? Is your worship flavored such that any of these good folks would feel comfortable?

Our worship services should be planned from a perspective which could include our own discomfort in order to provide for the comfort of the marginalized.

What would that look like in your congregation?

How do you think the Spirit is moving within your membership to accomplish a ministry of justice and mercy to the marginalized?

Just posing some questions...would love to hear some answers.

Love, Marriage, and Forgiveness

2011-07-27T14:29:00.003-04:00

Recently, I had the honor of presiding at the wedding of a friend of mine. The bride and I had worked diligently together, crafting a beautiful, spiritually meaningful ceremony. When it came time to write my homily, I reflected on First Corinthians 13:4-7, 13:

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things....And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three, and the greatest of these is love.

The bride and groom came to this marriage with their eyes wide open, as well as their hearts. We have just heard God’s take on love and all that it is. It is beautiful, powerful, and inspiring. Yet, how many of us, married or not, accomplish this sort of love in our own lives?

We were given this beautiful description of love and all of its characteristics to give us hope, to give us encouragement to work at love and loving one another so that one day we might say we know this sort of love in our relationships. Yet, we do already, as Christians, experience this sort of love. It comes with our acceptance of Christ into our hearts. We know that this sort of love is how God loves us. Through this love, we have our faith; through this love, we know hope.

How, then, can we bring this sort of love to bear on our lives and into our relationships?

To accomplish that, takes work, the sort of work which begins with prayer and continues with open and honest conversation. Sounds like a recipe for a good marriage! Marriage is best begun with prayer and continued with open and honest conversation.

No marriage exists in which there is always agreement, feelings are never hurt, space is never invaded, and forgiveness never needed. Every marriage has days where arguments arise, words are spoken and later regretted, and forgiveness is required. The thing is, when we strive to have the sort of love in our hearts that God desires for us, we survive the arguments and we can ask our beloved for forgiveness -- forgiveness which is given because of and through this great love in our hearts. Yet, for forgiveness to have any healing power at all, it needs to be truly received by the one asking for it. Our ability to receive forgiveness takes a willingness to first forgive ourselves which is hard work sometimes.

It might be said that forgiveness is the work of love as well as the work of marriage. Be ready, willing, able to say, “I’m sorry,” owning and naming whatever you said or did. Be ready, willing, able to say, “I forgive you” and mean it. If it takes a couple of days or even a week to get to that point, say it. The more you forgive each other within this great and powerful love, the more truth you speak and the more love there is…deep and abiding love…which will carry a couple, a family, a friendship through the years ahead in an abundance of joy!

A Matter of Perspective

2011-07-16T07:35:00.006-04:00

Perspective...the way we look at things; the angle we take.

When in your life has your perspective on a situation determined its outcome?

Recently, I've been struggling with some emotional/spiritual issues. I have, I guess, lived long enough for there to be a sort of convergence of ancient history and current events, leaving me in a conundrum. What to do? How to resolve the inner conflict that this convergence has produced.

As I was considering my options, spending a significant amount of time in prayer and journaling attempting to understand what God was trying to show me, I discovered a new perspective. God was speaking to me in a different way about this, making me do the heavy lifting, figuring I was mature enough to do so I guess.

I had been repeatedly coming at the situation from the same angle, the same intent. Yet, as God is wont to do, God waited for me to stop, look, and listen. I had to stop thinking I could figure this out, only giving a cursory nod to God. I had to look at ALL of the possibilities for resolution that were arranging themselves around me. I had to finally, truly listen. Listen to those around me whom I trust, whom I have experienced to be conduits of God's grace into my life.

A new perspective was shown to me; a perspective full of God's grace and mercy, offering forgiveness for long-passed sins and misunderstandings; a perspective that allowed me to move forward confident of God's steadfast love for me; a perspective that allowed me to fully see and appreciate the variety of folks God has put in my life (and I in their's). Gratitude swelled (as well as a little embarrassment) for the simplicity of the solution.

Have you ever noticed that God's solutions are never complicated? In our humanity we tend to create elaborate solutions to satisfy our own needs to feel important or intelligent. I believe realizing that the simplicity of a solution reflects God in the process was one of the most important insights I've had lately. Certainly one which has changed my general attitude to problem solving.

Releasing Expectations

2011-06-28T21:49:00.002-04:00

Do you ever wonder who you are? Where you pick up the feelings you have about yourself, your abilities as a caregiver, your capabilities to maintain any spiritual practices?

We receive a lot of expectations from those we live with and interact with in our communities. Sometimes those expectations are unrealistic, based on the other party’s ill-informed beliefs about us, about our responsibilities as a caregiver, and about our faith. Most times, those expectations that get unloaded onto our backs say more about the person doing the unloading than anything about us!

Giving up our expectations created by our own fears or the expectations of others created in an atmosphere of non-understanding is hard work. I’m not going to mislead you. This is the sort of work which takes steadfast prayer and listening. This is the sort of work which is aided by journaling, by spiritual reading, by taking good care of ourselves. This is the sort of work for which the spiritual practices we have offered over the last few months have been presented.

Do you have someone in your life whom you trust? Would you consider going to them and asking them to give you permission to just be yourself? I have found that to be an incredibly freeing experience and cherished conversation. The person of whom you ask this needs to be someone who knows you well, someone you know well and trust. The person needs to be someone to whom you listen and take what they say to heart.

It is so important to work out what works for us, whether it is the way in which we behave, the way in which we carry out our caregiving responsibilities, or the way in which we spend time with and get fed by God. The only way we can begin that work is to be ourselves. God has created each of us beautiful, loving, compassionate daughters and sons. God created us in God’s image: a powerful, spiritual being. God who knit us together in our mother’s womb. It is God’s expectations for our behavior, our experience of ourselves as caregivers; and the thoughts of those we trust which matter most.

Being and doing what God has created us to be and do brings a deep joy into our lives. A joy which sustains us in times of crisis. A joy which buoys us in times of sadness. A joy which shines forth from us to give light unto the World.

Be yourself! Trust God to let you know when you need to change. Have faith in your abilities!

Tough Questions

2011-06-26T16:46:00.000-04:00

Where does Alzheimer's disease leave its victim when death approaches?

There are many questions family members have when their loved one is lying in a bed, incapable of communication. Questions arise about their loved one's spiritual life, their relationship with God, what will happen when they die? Will their loved one "know where to go?" Questions which might sound odd now, but which create quite an ache in a family's heart.

A friend of mine's mother is in hospice care. Currently, she's "negotiating" her exit strategy, at least that's what I call it. My friend called me wanting to check in and let me know how things were progressing. As we kept talking, we got to the crux of the matter. Her mom has Alzheimer's disease and my friend was worried about whether her mother would know where to go. Now, my own mother died from complications of Alzheimer's disease. Yet, that was one question that didn't come up for me.

I answered my friend with an absolute yes! her mother would know where to go. That Alzheimer's disease is a condition of the mind, not the soul. That God had never forgotten her mother and knew right where she was. That her mother had never forgotten God and was simply "working it out."

That place in our minds where our knowledge of God resides survives the devastation of plaques and tangles. Songs and familiar scripture passages wend their way through the damaged brain, and make it in one piece to that spiritual place. It is an amazing experience to share in worship with folks who for days or months haven't spoken a single intelligible word then to hear them sing a song or speak out scripture passages.

To me, this speaks volumes about the ability of our spirit to stay in relationship with God regardless of what our brain is capable of doing. To me this says a lot about the steadfast faithfulness of our God. To me, this is a reminder of God's love and how we can always trust it to prevail.

I'm glad my friend asked me a tough question. I'm also glad that God gave me an absolute answer to offer her. God is good. All the time.

Paying Attention

2011-06-18T08:26:00.005-04:00

Paying attention. In today's world, we are challenged at times to pay attention for very long to anything. With all of our electronic devices interrupting us whenever; with 24-hour news availability from all over the world; with never-ending stimuli from any number of arenas, when do we find the time to stop and look and listen to where we are at any given moment?

My entire life has been structured around the need for me to pay attention, close attention, to what was going on around me, being said to me. I'm finding that my experience of being required to pay such close attention has been a gift in my adult life. I see things, hear things that others miss.

Being capable of paying attention is essential to spiritual growth. Spiritual growth is quiet. Spiritual growth is generally very slow going. Spiritual growth is never flashy. So, only through paying close attention to what God is doing in my life am I able to respond, to truly engage in the growth and the fruit of that growth.

One of my favorite results of paying attention is when I pray. When I pray and I go all "still and quiet" on the inside, I pay attention to what I hear; what I feel; what my heart takes note of. Paying attention in prayer is necessary if we ever want to see the answer. Sometimes, by paying attention in prayer, we realize that we are the answer.

Paying attention, realizing we are the answer to a prayer...those are sometimes very hard and scary things. Yet, isn't it wonderful that God has given us the faith to be a miracle? I find that worthy of paying attention. That idea makes my heart sing, makes the words "take me, mold me, fill me, use me" come to mind.

Good Friends Who Speak the Truth in Love

2011-06-13T19:51:00.003-04:00

This afternoon I was fortunate enough to have a conversation with a good friend of mine who loves me and knows she can speak the truth to me even when it might be a truth difficult for me to hear. Having a friend like her is an incredible gift of God; a resource that I have come to rely on over the last four years. The cost involved in having a friend like that though is in the reciprocity of the friendship, the covenantal nature of it. If I have a friend who lovingly speaks the truth to me, then I must be willing to do the same in return.

So, when I think of the covenantal nature of our relationship, I think of how scary it is to realize that there is something to be said that isn't quite so easy to be heard, yet there's something in my heart that says, "It's okay." Maybe that's history, perhaps it's God. Relationships like ours don't just happen. We have worked on it; always being honest with each other. Sometimes, it's the fact that we are honest with each other which makes it possible to be honest with ourselves.

Jesus said we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. In today's world, sometimes it is hard to understand how our neighbors are in such horrible need. Today's society is all about loving ourselves; yet it all seems so shallow when there are folks being shoved to the margins of society because they are ill with a dementing disease, or because they are homosexual, or because they are transgender. It all seems so shallow when children and families are homeless, are preyed upon by human trafficking predators, go hungry, or don't receive adequate healthcare. It seems so shallow when our government reaches for the programs which feed and clothe the hungry and naked before the programs which build machines of war to provide the cuts and dollars needed to balance a budget--a budget which is so out of kilter with what the country needs.

We need more people who are willing to speak the truth in love...to those they love as well as to those who represent them in government.

Apathy and loving our neighbors do not go together. Life takes work. It is the work that life requires which makes it worth living and celebrating!

Returning to My Thoughts

2011-06-12T19:39:00.003-04:00

I decided very recently that it was time for me to leave the world of Facebook. It was a difficult decision, but one that I am living with for at least a month. After that time, I think I'll know better whether I should re-activate my account. It's sort of weird. Facebook tends to turn us all into voyeuers, participating vicariously in the lives of our "friends". Is that really how I want to experience my friends? I decided to leave Facebook when I was confronted with my own inability to NOT respond in some nasty way to a post that really bothered me. I strive to have upbeat, or at least deeply provocative posts...not posts berating or belittling someone else's point of view. Yet, I found myself unable to NOT respond in a way that I simply did NOT want to put out there. So, I left.

A good friend and ministerial colleague of mine questioned my motives. He asked if I was turning my back on a ministry that had uplifted and edified Christ. I don't think I have. I have other avenues for that sort of ministry, this blog being one of them. However, he asked me to pray about my decision. I am.

Prayer. Wow. Know this, right now: I am preaching on the topic of prayer in a couple of weeks. Be warned!

Prayer is our way of communicating to God, through Jesus Christ, our needs, our desires, our fears, our joys, our sadnesses. We tend to think of prayer as being a formalized list of things, prayed at certain times of day or even just on Sunday. Do you worry about "how" you pray? What words you use? Whether the grammar is correct? Prayer is kind. Prayer is accepting. Prayer is a conversation with God, with your closest friend, with the kind of friend who can finish your sentences.

Prayer is on-going, fluid, merciful, and kind.

Yes. Prayer is kind. Prayer is accepting. Prayer is...dare I say it...easy! We are told that the Spirit carries our prayers which are too deep and dark for words with sighs and groans straight to God's ear. When was the last time you spent your night balled into the fetal position, crying out to God (whom you believed had deserted you), asking for help, asking for answers, asking for the safety of the night? Did you feel any sense of response? Did you feel God's arms around you?

Was there silence when you finished?

Any ideas on why there might have been silence?

Could silence be part of the answer to your prayer? Could God be waiting on you to show the willingness to participate in the answer?

There are some prayers that I DO NOT WANT God to expect me to participate in. There are some prayers I just want GOD to do that "thing" and flip a switch or somehow make it easier on me...immediately!

How about you?

I have found that rarely, if ever, does God answer my prayers within minutes. Really. I am a 50 year old woman. I know all about the vagaries of instant gratification. I know all about the benefits of delayed gratification and the education in appreciation and gratitude that delayed gratification offers. However, that said and all, I would much rather receive the answers to my prayers now, please, and easily if at all possible.

How about you?

I know that God is in the world today. Absolutely. I know that God hears me when I ask for help. I know these things because I see the evidence every day of my life! I know these things because I am aware. I know these things because God has made me wait for the answers at times. God has made me participate and BE the answers sometimes.

How about you?

Where is your prayer life leading you?
Where is your prayer life leaving you?
Where is your prayer life taking you?

Shalom, friends.

"Ever notice"

2010-11-12T10:02:00.006-05:00

Ever notice that when you're tired, you invest more in emotions than in reason? Ever notice that when you're tired, a good friend's compassionate advice is hard to hear?
Ever notice that when you're tired, you're less likely to go to bed early?

All of these things have found a home in my head lately. I'm getting better about going to bed immediately after I wake up on the couch! Our household has been in a bit of an upheaval lately due to my husband having knee surgery a couple of weeks ago. He's doing great! However, the "normal" routine in our household is now different.

I find it's interesting that when something happens to my routine to necessarily change it, I go all introspective. Narcissistic is what it feels like. While I'm caring for my husband (although he's an easy "patient"), I keep wanting to be the one in the spotlight. Yuck--not something I'm proud of in the least. Because of that, I've been second-guessing a lot of my motivations over the last couple of years (yes, years!) So, when venting to a friend of mine, I was reminded to roll with it and not invest so much energy in analyzing what's happening. Ouch. Yet...really good advice. I can always count on this friend to tell me the hard truth.

So at the risk of investing more energy in analyzing what's happening, I think there's a lesson here. A lesson revolving around my authentic relationship with Christ, my sometimes inordinate need for attention, and my penchant for paying attention. My relationship with Christ makes me consider others before myself. My relationship with Christ also requires me to be sure I am fed so that I may feed others. My relationship with Christ also opens me to an awareness of the work of the Spirit in the world, in myself, and in those I love.

My husband's surgery and recovery is going so well that my caregiving efforts are not all that heavy, but just enough to point up a lesson or two. I am aware of the fact that both my husband individually and our family as a whole have been lifted up in prayer by many, many people. God's healing and comfort are a huge part of how he's feeling, and we're coping as a family. Personally, centering prayer and healing prayer opportunities, as well as worshipping with my community of faith--communion in so many ways--have offered much needed food for my soul. Remaining aware of the Spirit's work around me has presented opportunities for ministry in and through what is going on in my life. Ministry has happened in spite of what is going on in my life. So even though I am feeling out of balance, there is Spirit at work in and through our family...which is actually pretty balancing.

My awareness of everything I have to be thankful for helps me sleep at night. Practicing what I preach (in a ministry to caregivers) is helping me keep what caregiving responsibilities I do have in perspective. Friends in my life--placed there by the Holy Spirit--are keeping me honest. Ministry will happen whether I'm in an office at the church, at my dining room table, or the orthopedist's office waiting room. As my friend said, "So many good things are happening, even and especially in the midst of crises and change and classwork. Celebrate the healing ..., body and soul. Enjoy the moment."

The funny part is that this odd feeling of being out of balance seems to be helping me to find a balance! Perhaps I'm weird, but I learn a lot of my lessons like this. So, as my friend suggests, I will continue to "[s]eek the center, the core in the midst of this blessed whirlwind in which [I] find [my]self. Be calm. Be [my]self. Be present and allow the Spirit to continue its loving activity in and through [me]." Therein lies the balance.

A balancing act...comfort....discomfort

2010-10-13T18:10:00.002-04:00

I'm in the midst of a growth spurt. Remember as a child having those growing pains in your legs? I've watched my children experience the intense hunger that precedes a growth spurt and then the sheer exhaustion when the growth begins. It's an odd cycle.

We have that same cycle in our spiritual lives. Lately, I have been experiencing the oddly exhausting growth aspect of the cycle. I see areas in my life and in my spiritual practices which are growing, no doubt. My ability to sense when I'm about to engage in some unwise habits has developed to the point where I can now stop before I start. Prayer and time spent resting with God has been very good and pleasing lately. My spiritual friend says I'm "showing up". Amazing how much work gets done simply when we "show up."

My growing edges include working as a member of a team; acknowledging that God speaks to others as intensely as God speaks to me; and admitting it when I'm tired! These "edges" might not sound like a lot, but they are to me. Ufdah. All of this growth is good and will make a positive difference in my whole life, yet I'm exhausted!

Awareness

2010-09-23T17:14:00.002-04:00

I'm tired. When I'm tired I don't eat right; I don't think "right." When I'm tired, I tend not to stop and rest. How silly is that.

For the last week and a half I've been going at it pretty hard and heavy with a lot of activities, writing, reading ... all really good stuff, but non-stop.

So, I'm finding that I don't have a happy attitude. You know. You can be tired to a degree and be happy. I'm so tired that I'm depressed and needy and questioning myself. On the bright side of things, at least I'm aware of it. Now that I'm aware of it, my plan (yes, I have to have a plan) is to close my notebook and finish my class notes tomorrow. And, I'm not reading tonight. I'm crashing on the couch and am going to relax. My hope is that if I do so, and have a good night's sleep tonight, I'll feel so much better in the morning. My outlook will be better, my attitude will improve.

I keep getting the word "pacing". Yeah. Pacing myself has NEVER been a strong suit with me. A reader of one of my papers noted that it was apparent that I had been blessed with "physical, emotional, and spiritual stamina"...yeah, until it's gone! I guess I do have those strengths. Yet, even strengths can become weaknesses as a result of unawareness.

Time for a break.

Control Freak

2010-09-17T11:09:00.003-04:00

I am experiencing myself as a control freak recently.

There is a lot going on in my head, my life right now that I have no control over. Nothing actually scary. A lot that is challenging. A lot that is actually fairly affirming. Yet, I have no control over it.

Yet...this awareness that I am struggling with that issue is great! I'm happy about that. Up until a minute ago, I hadn't truly owned my struggle. Now, that is God. God and I have been having a running conversation lately...well, maybe not a conversation. Conversation is a two-way street. I've just been complaining, and venting my anxieties...NOT LISTENING. Gotta laugh here. Really. I know better. I'm so glad there is grace which abounds. I need a lot of it.

Now...now I get to roll around in a huge puddle of grace...and struggle and wrestle with what I want, need (yeah right), desire from God as far as God's plans for my life go. I know that's ridiculous. I know who will, in the end, win the wrestling match. You know what though? I enjoy the struggle. I enjoy the mud-wrestling in the puddle of grace that I now get to do with God. Why? Because God is good all the time. All the plans God has for my life are good plans. I can trust that. I do trust that. Yet, in my humanity, I struggle with some other force directing my life at times. All those successes I've had all on my own...oh, yeah. Right. Nope. Never happened.

All those disasters I've had all on my own...yep. When I have decided to go it alone and be the proverbial 100th sheep. Christ has sought me out and brought me home, dirty, cranky, yet in a way SO HAPPY. I love God. I love the relationship I have with God through Christ and the Holy Spirit. How rich is my life? I cannot even describe it. What I struggle with is in the end so miniscule and insignificant. I am a drop in the ocean of the universe. Essential, yes, for if all the drops disappeared, went their own way, where would the ocean be? Yet without the other drops, I am insignificant. Christ is the ocean, we are the drops. Christ is the body, we are the parts. All of us should be working together, valuing the differences, celebrating the completeness we encounter together.

Thank you God for getting in the puddle. Let's Go!

Strengths and Stumbling Blocks

2010-09-17T11:07:00.000-04:00

We are all growing. We all have strengths in some areas. We all have those areas which are hard for us, which will trip us up often unless we are very aware. As I watch my children, I notice their strengths and their stumbling blocks. With children, sometimes as parents or friends, we can help them hone some of their stumbling blocks into steps or jumping-off points. As adults, it's harder for us to see our own stumbling blocks. That's where it pays off to have a spiritual friend or mentor.

Stumbling blocks are not all bad. As in all of life, we tend to learn more when we fail, or stumble, than while we are sailing gaily along. Something which is a stumbling block for me might not be for someone else. That is an important thing to remember! Recently, I explored a website a friend had put me onto that looked quite intriguing. I signed up and "introduced" myself into the discussion board. What I began to notice was that I felt really uncomfortable with some of the discussions going on. So I paid attention to that. I looked at what was making me uncomfortable and why. To be truthful, it was the wild assortment of folks on the discussion board. Now, generally, I am accepting of others' choices for their lives and see many instances where I can learn from "differentness". This particular website was one in which varying faiths were welcomed (very varying) and inter-faith dialogue and learning was encouraged. Sounds good, right? It is good. However, at this point in my spiritual development, it did not feel good to me. I did not experience this process as helpful to my Christian spiritual formation. What I did realize was that eventually I would be comfortable participating; however, not now.

The process I went through was difficult because I doubted my reasons. I had to look very carefully and deeply into what was disturbing me and why. Then, I prayed about it, and then I listened. What came to mind was the scripture about what happens to those who place stumbling blocks in front of the newly born Christian. In all of my reactions to the varying posts on the discussion board, that was what was deeply bothering me.

The Grace of Forgiveness

2010-06-03T09:50:00.001-04:00

Forgiving someone you love is infinitely easier than someone you don't. Yet, which is the more grace-filled act? The spirit of what Jesus says about forgiveness is that we should forgive ANYONE who needs it many more times than will feel comfortable or "right" or fair. Should we even address the "love your enemy" idea?

Yet, part of what communicates God's grace in the world is the Spirit-freeing aspect of the act of forgiveness. Have you ever forgiven someone and felt a lightness of being? Giving that mass of hurt and anger up to God and forgiving the person who created that mass relieves such a burden. Everyone has done something, somewhere, sometime, to hurt another person -- whether intentionally or not, whether seriously or not -- so we all have something to consider within ourselves that needs forgiveness. God's forgiveness, through Christ, is meant to free us from the bonds of death. Death as expressed in the lies and deceits with which we live; death as expressed in the separations we experience in our relationships with others; death as expressed in the greatest separation: that of ourselves from God.

In the forgiving process, we are the ones needing forgiveness first. Whether we reflect on the forgiveness gained for us by Christ on the cross, an instance of our being forgiven by someone else, or a time where we have forgiven someone -- forgiveness starts at "home". Without recognizing the grace we have received, we simply cannot truly and honestly extend that grace to anyone else. Forgiveness, being a grace of God, is free yet not cheap.

Forgiveness takes work and commitment. The work part is the inventory of just how we feel about the person and the situation creating the need for forgiveness. The work part includes looking at our own culpability in a situation and if it exists, owning it -- however small or seemingly insignificant. The work involves seeing the other person through the eyes of Christ. The work takes true shape in the encounter with the one who has hurt us. The work culminates in the letting go of the anger, disappointment, and disillusionment that rests in our heart, binding our spirits. Laying it down at the foot of the Cross and stepping away, turning our backs on it. Trusting that God will give us what we need to heal, to become whole, to forgive.

Commitment comes with the change in our heart and soul--a change that is nothing short of a miracle. Commitment to forgiveness reveals itself in gentleness, in loving forgiveness of our own imperfections, and in loving forgiveness of the imperfections of others. Commitment to forgiveness brings a deep abiding joy to our hearts and souls which radiates outward. Commitment to forgiveness is just that...a commitment. Living a life of forgiveness, forged in our hearts by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ demands an effort to be engaged in a relationship with Christ.

Engagement in a relationship with Christ requires our full attention. Engagement in a relationship with Christ brings us full circle...to needing forgiveness for all those ways in which we slip. Engagement in a relationship with Christ brings us to that deep abiding joy in our hearts and souls because of the forgiveness we receive, time and time again. Engagement in a relationship with Christ is about accountability.

To whom are we accountable? Obviously, we are accountable to God through Christ. When we become engaged in a relationship with Christ, we become part of the Body of Christ. What is the Body of Christ other than a community of faith? A community of faith is a place of opportunity...opportunity for us to learn, to fail, to forgive, to be forgiven...to grow in what it means to be the Body of Christ. A community of faith is a place to learn about accountability and forgiveness to, among, and between people. A community of faith is a place in which we can practice the hard work and commitment of living a life of forgiveness. So, if you are a part of the Body of Christ and you are not a member of a community of faith, how are you practicing the hard work and commitment of living a life of forgiveness -- a life to which all believers in Jesus Christ are called.

A life of forgiveness is a life full of the grace of God.

Lies and Truth

2010-04-24T07:14:00.002-04:00

As I am willing to give up the lies of my life and ask God's forgiveness and help in moving forward in a new direction (repent), I receive the Truth, a drink of Living Water. I have found repeatedly that the Holy Spirit is kind and gentle and will work with me to see that which is so difficult to see, giving me the stamina to stay with the struggle until I do see it.

God is good . . . all the time.

Mountains and Molehills

2010-04-21T12:23:00.001-04:00

As I was doing some of my preparatory reading for a class on forgiveness, I was reflecting on a chapter that dealt with dwelling on hurts, insults, etc. The thought was that if we dwell on the incident, we have a tendency to blow it up out of proportion, to enlarge insignificant details or to gather insignificant details from assorted interactions and combine them to create an additional problem. In that line of thinking, what does that sort of habit do to our relationships?

Is it easier to deal with small, insignificant issues as they come up or with large, now painful issues that develop over time? My vote is for small, insignificant issues! However, ever notice just how hard that is? I think I "let things go" .... yet, eventually, I explode. So obviously, I haven't let them go, right? It is possible to develop the habit of letting go. I've heard time and again the expression "let go and let God". Well, that's what this process is all about.

Yet, I get hung up on telling God the small, insignificant issues that come up. Why? Because they seem small and insignificant and I feel petty if I take them to God. Well, God can hear that. God wired the human brain in amazing ways. So, God knows how I accumulate hurts. What God offers is the opportunity to let go of those molehill hurts before they amount to a mountain.

In thinking about how to "let go and let God", I've been practicing sitting with my feelings, my reactions to events and people. That, in itself, is very difficult for me. I am a "feeler" and feel my way through my day. So, as I have been practicing sitting with my feelings, I am also practicing "tracing" those feelings back to the source. Why am I feeling this way? Is it pointing to something within me that I need to be aware of? That I might need to address/work on? If I follow that feeling deep enough, perhaps I'll find God at the middle, in my soul, gleaming with answers.

As a Disciples of Christ, I celebrate communion every Sunday. I receive the food necessary to gain the strength needed with which to resolve my disputes, with which to address these seemingly small, insignificant issues. Each time I eat the Bread and drink the Cup, I receive the most precious Gift God has offered creation. Each time I receive that Gift, I receive a fresh dose, a fresh reminder of the forgiveness of God through Christ. I can take that gift and share it with someone with whom I am having issues. I look at that gift of forgiveness and think perhaps that's the way I can sit with my feelings -- in a "cloud" of forgiveness. It may make it easier to not react, to give some time for things to settle. It might make it easier to address molehills with folks instead of waiting for mountains to develop. I'm practicing!

The Grace of Lament

2010-04-15T16:07:00.000-04:00

The Grace of Lament. Have you ever been sick and tired and frustrated and distraught and isolated and at your whit’s end? Did you tell anyone? Did you tell God all about it? How did it feel to “let it all out”? Did you consider that a prayer? Did relief appear as a grace?

In each of our lives, things happen. Bad things. Difficult things. Hurtful things. Frightful things. What do we do when they all pile up? How can we as people of faith address these times in our lives when God’s love seems so distant, and we feel so isolated? Is there a way of speaking to God that will help us find an affirming path leading to life? The Psalmists took care of that for us. A good portion of the Psalms are laments. The dictionary defines “lament” as “to express grief for or about; mourn; to regret deeply; deplore; an expression of grief; a sorrowful song or poem.”

What good does it do for us to gnash our teeth, and pull at our hair, and wail? When the world piles on the trouble, the defeat, the worry, scream about it! Complain, go ahead. That’s right. It’s okay to tell God you are not happy with your situation and why. It’s okay to tell God how let down and isolated you’re feeling. The voices of the Psalmists as they lament are hard-edged, accusatory, questioning. However, if we keep reading those very Psalms, we see there is a pattern. Soon, certain ways of remedying the situation, or letting go of whatever caused the defeat, the trouble, or the worry, or a lesson about why it happened in the first place will appear. With those realizations come a glimmer of hope, light. With that hope and that light comes a way out. With that light, the presence of God is seen, the presence which has been there all along. This same pattern will emerge in our own lives, our own times of trouble. When we see that glimmer of hope and light, we will see the way out. We will begin to experience gratitude. When we are grateful, we see blessings all around us. When we see how blessed we are, suddenly all we can do is praise God! We realize that God has been with us, through the darkness, guiding us to the hope and the light. Just as suddenly, we realize we are out of the despair, riding on that hope and light.

So, what happens if we don’t lament? Unfortunately, it can take much longer to get to the stage of seeing what we did wrong (the lessons to be learned), what we can do to remedy the situation, what we need to let go of. It is only when we reach this stage that we can begin to see hope and light and take that step away from despair into gratitude. Yet this process doesn’t take place in a vacuum. Who listens to us when we lament? God? Yes. Who else? There are times when a hand to hold or a smile to behold while we’re lamenting is so helpful. Where can we find that listening ear, that hand or smile? If you’re a caregiver, sometimes that’s a problem. At First Christian Church of Decatur, we are developing a prayer partner program within our Caregiver Spiritual Support ministry. What does this mean? Are we going to be knocking on your door and praying our way in? No. Our prayer partners are listeners. We are responding to a call, to a need to listen to those whose voices are sometimes, oftentimes lost. Why are we calling the program a prayer partner program? Because each conversation, all the time spent with our ears open to hear that lament is time spent allowing the Spirit to carry those concerns, those worries, those problems to God with sighs and groans too deep for words. Seldom are a “Dear God” or an “Amen” needed. Yet, each of our prayer partners will be praying for a caregiver. Just lifting that individual up to God’s strengthening, comforting, powerful gaze.

Would you like to hear more? Would you like to find out more about being a listening prayer partner or let us know you are a caregiver needing someone to listen? If so, please contact me. I will be honored to listen.

On Watching My Son Be Baptized

2010-04-04T18:33:00.002-04:00

On watching my son be baptized,
I witnessed God's loving grace enacted.
Our Pastor, eyes full of love, beckoning,
"Come into the Water."

Do you proclaim Jesus Christ
Your Lord and Savior? I do.
Thomas Lee Reiley I will baptize you
In the name of the Creator, the Son,
and the Holy Spirit.

The breath being pulled from me
As I watch my son die.
Going down deep in the Waters with Jesus
Rising up with Christ into New Life.

Holding my breath then as he stands,
So still, dripping, for a moment.
Then the blessing bestowed and
Up the stairs to Dad's waiting arms.

My son now walks wet
My son now walks with Christ, for Christ.
A journey, a path, a life anew
Hallelujah and amen!

Autonomy

2010-03-31T15:55:00.000-04:00

Small victories. Hard fought challenges. Lonely God-work. Community action. Family time. Resting in God. Frequent spiritual food. Trust. Questions. Answers. Reading. Writing. Pushing. Testing.

The amazing product of the above . . . autonomy. A reliance on my own spirituality, my own engagement and awareness of God, my own interpretation of God's action in my life. Autonomy in this instance is not definable in the standard way of "self-reliance," but rather reliance on an engagement or relationship with God to guide one's actions, to determine one's decisions, to balance one's relationships. Autonomy is not relying on or waiting for someone else's influence on one's actions or in one's decisions, creating an imbalance in the relationship.

How Far We've Come

2010-03-15T22:22:00.001-04:00

Over the last year, I have had many opportunities to study the history of western Christian spirituality as well as the current trends in worship and spirituality. What I have noticed is how far the church has come from what Jesus did during his ministry among us.

Let's look at that for a moment. Jesus came with no fanfare. He began his ministry at the ripe old age of 30. What did he do when he began his ministry? He wandered around the countryside getting to know people, trusting his instincts when it came to a person's heart, listening to stories, telling a few, and accumulating some folks who liked what they heard when he spoke. When he spoke...he told stories because the world was still very much about the oral tradition. He touched folks who were considered untouchable by most of the people in society at that time. Jesus knew just how healing touch is to the untouchable. He knew just how healing listening is to the ones never heard.

It became clear that Jesus was not just a carpenter's son from Nazareth. I believe you could probably see it in his eyes and the way he held himself and the way he interacted with others. However one saw it, eventually many people saw it, some of whom did not like it one bit. Some of whom were challenged and scared by what they saw. The naysayers began "accumulating" evidence against Jesus and his followers. Evidence like working when he should not, like not honoring authority as he should. Eventually, Jesus was arrested, brought before the organized religious types of the times, then the political leaders, then the whipped up crowds, and soon found guilty. Guilty of what?

That is a good question. That is, I believe, the answer as well. That question, "guilty of what?" speaks to the reason Jesus was in the world, speaks to what he did, said, was to the people he encountered. Was Jesus "guilty" of anything? Jesus was guilty of loving without judgment. Loving with abandon and with a whole heart. Demanding justice for those who were normally excluded, providing loving care for those who needed it. That was just too much. That was too stressful on the status quo. He had tried to warn his closest associates of what was to come. We know they had a hard time listening and truly hearing it. The religious leaders of society were successful in having him judged "guilty" and put to death. Crucified...the cruelest way to be put to death at the time.

My body has a physical reaction to that reality. When I think of the physicality of that death...I do not need a movie to make it real for me. I also do not need a movie to make the emotions of his mother and family and friends real either. A lot of us have lost someone in an unjust manner, too early, tragically...perhaps someone of promise to society, someone full of love for family and friends. Jesus was 33. In three short years, he had such a divisive effect on society at the time, especially Jewish society, that the "powers that be" did not know what else to do with him other than to rid themselves of him. Which they thought they accomplished with his crucifixion and death.

However, the miraculous aspect of this is that Jesus rose from the dead. He came back from such torture whole...more than whole...but not healed of his wounds. His wounds became the key to salvation for so many, the first of whom was Thomas who had to see the wounds before he truly believed Jesus had risen from the dead.

Okay, I realize this story has taken us from Jesus' birth through life and death and resurrection. Quickly, I know. However, there is one aspect of Jesus' life I would like to illuminate a little further. Jesus lived his life as a life of devotion. Not just love, but pure devotion to his fellow human beings. I believe that when Jesus loved you, you felt it physically. To this day, when I sing that sweet, simple song "Jesus Loves Me" I get chillbumps because I know it to be true. And not just because the Bible tells me so.

The night Jesus was arrested, he was in a room eating supper with his closest friends, his disciples, for Jesus was after all a teacher. Since it was a Passover meal, I imagine the supper was relatively simple. This meal was like so many we live through...one eaten under stress because by this time, feelings were running high here and there and fractures in the fabric of society were beginning to take their toll on the leadership of society. Decisions were being made about how to contain this man, and his followers. I am sure there was plenty of stress in the air.

So, a simple supper with all of his friends. Jesus knew what was coming. He knew exactly who was present in that room: one who would ultimately betray him and another who would deny him repeatedly. He knew he needed to prepare these friends. What he did over the course of that evening would come to mean so much to us now, would come to be our sustenance. Jesus portrayed his devotion again and again. First, he took some bread from the table and blessed it, raising it high so every one at the table could see what he was doing and begin paying attention. They were a noisy crowd. After blessing this bread, he broke it for all to see. After he broke it Jesus gave it to everyone and said "this is my body which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me." I am sure at this point, Jesus had everyone's undivided attention. He then picked up a cup of the wine he had previously blessed and passed among those present, lifted it up and said "This cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood." What did this mean? What did this signify to the Disciples? To those of his friends there who loved him, who had experienced his utter devotion? Can we even imagine what was going through the minds of the Disciples at this point?

This offering of Jesus' devotion to his Disciples, to me, to you -- this offering is what gives me chillbumps when I sing "Jesus loves me." As I partake in communion every Sunday, I am fed the broken body and spilled blood of Jesus. Broken and spilled in obedience to God, in the ultimate example of God's devotion to humanity. Each week of being fed in Spirit helps me grow in Spirit, helps me look to my faults, the places where I lack integrity, the areas in which I need to show more love and compassion. Each time I partake of communion is a pruning session and a dose of fertilizer!

At some point in the evening, Jesus removed his outer robe, wrapped an apron around himself, gathered a bowl with water in it and a towel and approached each Disciple in turn and washed their feet. As he approached Peter and told him he was going to wash his feet, Peter rejected the idea out of hand. What follows is a glorious exchange, one of the most loving gifts Jesus gives his Disciples.

He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Lord are you going to wash my feet?" Jesus answered, "You do not know now what I am doing, but later you will understand." Peter said to him, "You will never wash my feet." Jesus answered,"Unless I wash you, you have no share with me." Simon Peter said to him, "Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!" Jesus said to him, "One who has bathed does not need to wash, except for the feet, but is entirely clean."[John 13:6-10b]

Jesus, the servant King, devoted to those he loves. Christ, the Son of God, still serving, still devoted to those he loves. Yes, Jesus loves me. I can feel it in my heart, my soul, my body. Perhaps that is what is meant by the greatest commandment related in Matthew 22:37-40, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind." The commandment following this one is that we shall love our neighbors as ourselves. So how far have we come? Are we living a dangerous faith, one that could result in bodily harm? How far have we come? Are we living a dangerous faith, one that feeds the unsatisfied, touches the untouchable, hears the ones with no voice? Are we devoted to the ones Jesus was devoted to? Have we allowed the King to wash our feet?

We are in the liturgical season of Lent. Lent is a time of self-examination, of looking at our practices, our lives, our communities, and seeing ways in which we have separated ourselves from God and each other. Lent is a time of preparation, of readying ourselves for new life, new growth. So some pruning and examination is in order. Also some fertilizer. Questions like those above get me thinking about how I am expressing my faith. Questions like those above get me taking an inventory of my walk...am I walking the walk or just talking the talk?

How about you? How far have you come?

Accepting the Fact of Being Called by God

2010-02-27T20:03:00.002-05:00

Since the beginning of the year, God has been patiently putting people and situations in my hands. The hands God has called to do God's work. Now, I've realized that along the way. Yet, the effect is cumulative. What has happened over the last two weeks is a culmination of all of these situations, all of these God-given opportunities to pray with folks, to listen to them, to celebrate ritual with them, to break open the scriptures and learn alongside them, to work alongside them to build the Kingdom of God. The most amazing thing happened! All of it came together for me, came together in a way that made so much sense, brought me to an incredible place of joy. I have a yearning in my heart, placed there by God, to be a shepherd, to companion a flock into closer communion with God. My heart sings!

I look at the ministry I am working in right now, spiritually supporting caregivers, and realize that I have the beginnings of a flock. It's a new way of looking at what I do with and for these folks. There are so many beautiful ways God is in this ministry, working mercifully, compassionately to comfort people who give so much of themselves to others. I have been called to be a part of that comfort, an instrument of God's love and grace. It is amusing to me that I finally understand what God is doing in my heart, that I finally have stopped trying to fit God and this ministry into some kind of box and limit it. I have no idea how this will all work out, what it really means to have a flock, how that flock will look, or grow to be. The wonderful aspect to all of this is that God's ministry knows no bounds! Talk about ripples of grace! Indeed!

Psalms Class

2010-02-24T17:45:00.002-05:00

It is Wednesday, halfway through a weeklong class on the Psalms. The time spent in listening to lectures, in prayer and meditation, in singing, in listening, in sharing has been tremendously fruitful. Our assignment this afternoon and evening has been to compose our own Psalm. I believe most of us are finding that a daunting task. However, in those anxious feelings are combined for me feelings of opportunity, of insight, of freedom. Opportunity to reflect the love I feel from God back to God. Insight as to the meaning of "beloved" when considering my relationship with God. Freedom in that between me and God, there ain't nothin' I can't say! So, when profound love is compounded by complete freedom, what do we end up with? Salvation, resurrection, new life. Christ. God's love personified, God with us, free to be human, free to show his divinity, free to be obedient or not. Crucified, dead, buried, and resurrected. Profound love and freedom, intermingled, are dangerous! If I am beloved of God, free to love or leave God, do I throw caution to the wind? Am I in trouble? Will I, or a part of me, have to die? What does God want from me in return for this powerful, dangerous, magnificent love?

Am I writing a Psalm? Of course. Here it is:

Psalm #?
A Psalm of Deepening Love

Oceans deep so deep
Where do these waves come from

God that is forever with me, sometimes silent
Sometimes loud and raucous . . .
Where are You? Are you with me at the beach?
Are you the beach? Are you the waves?

Frightening waves that come from so far away
Peter out and limply, wimpily lick my toes
My toes, the foundations of my grief,
Weak with relief at the silliness of the attack.

Small waves which come so fast, from so near
Crash against my knees, knocking me down
Soaking me from my foundations to my heart
With salty tears of pain and regret and longing

God, I ask why? Is it to be now and forever?
Do the waves ever stop? Can I leave the beach?
Is this my world? My workplace? My life?
When does the warmth return?

When you are ready. At least that’s what you tell me.
When you are ready. I hate those words.
You have left me impatient, created me impatient.
Why should you have done that?

When I am ready? Who decides? You?
Have I not been educated enough in pain?
Have I not been educated enough in loss?
Have I not been educated enough in regret?

When you are ready . . . Such a cowardly thing to say
To me, to me who waits so eagerly for instruction
To me who desires nothing but your presence
To me who just wants your peace.

Lessons, lessons, lessons.
Perhaps I will never be ready.
What kind of answer is that anyway?
Why is it I find you in that answer?

You God, coward, incoherent pain.
You are a mirror for me. I am a coward.
I fear incoherent pain. Yes, you are with me.
Your peace, called upon since youth, descends.

O God, O God, O God
You knew what I was calling for
You know what I am calling for
You give me what I call for.

Peace. Warmth. Safety. Always.
God who forgives my anger, my separateness
God who keeps me together and
God who breaks me into pieces.

Praise God! O Praise God!
Listening.
Ready.
Loving.

O God, O God, O God!
Holy is your name!

Lessons Learned

2010-02-07T21:39:00.002-05:00

In March of last year, I was fortunate to take a class from Walter Brueggemann entitled "A Study in the Book of Isaiah." I consider myself fortunate because it was in that class that I found an understanding of life's ups and downs. Those times when everything, everyone falls apart and leaves me in a puddle of pain and discontent. Those times when seemingly out of nowhere, blocks start to fall into place and soon there is a bridge to somewhere out of my misery. Out of misery and into the bright light of love and hope. Brueggemann explained that it was a process of movement -- movement from a time of orientation, through a period of disorientation, and into reorientation. He explained that the place of reorientation is NOT just a repeat or return to the earlier time of orientation. Oh no...all that time spent in the throes of disorientation yields fruit -- good fruit. Brueggemann says that the time of reorientation is new, unexpected, a blessing, a gift -- blessed sunlight unlike no other day in a week of sunny days.

I am preparing once again for a class, this time on the spirituality of aging and we're going to be looking into the Psalms as a resource for this time of life. Well, guess what? We're reading Brueggemann's "The Psalms and the Life of Faith." Now, I'm finding this book a bit much for my brain. I have to admit that. However, in it, Brueggemann revisits the orientation/disorientation/ reorientation vision of looking at life, and I am so glad he does. I say that because I find myself in that terrific, sunny like no other day, place -- the reorientation. Now, if I'm in a place of reorientation, then...obviously I've been disoriented. Right?

Oh yeah! This fall. Boy. I don't even want to revisit this fall to attempt an explanation. However, suffice it to say that this fall was a tremendous period of disorientation for me. In my path to ministry -- in fact my spiritual journey in general -- as well as in my personal life. Yet, right now, I am reaping the benefits of making it through that period of disorientation. I'm slowly discovering all of the lessons learned. Slowly. There were a lot of lessons! Making this connection makes me that much happier. Why? Because, like so many people, while I was "in class" I was able to draw from my past for a few examples of what I felt had been periods of disorientation. But, I must admit that the examples I cited in my notes were no where as disorienting as this last fall. I think that's true because they were not of a spiritual nature.

My previous periods of disorientation were not of a spiritual nature because I simply hadn't applied myself as vigorously to my journey as I have recently. So, there wasn't much to be disoriented! I think this means that the deeper I go, the further down this path perhaps will find more frequent periods of disorientation. However, if each period of disorientation yields as much fruit as this one has, perhaps I can focus on the fruit and not so much on the pain of loss and confusion during the period of disorientation.

Perhaps. Somehow, I don't think that a period of disorientation yields as much fruit if we're aware of its happening. Not sure.

The Grace of Listening

2010-01-27T08:54:00.005-05:00

I've been pondering all the different ways God pours grace upon grace into my life. The grace of prayer, that very ability we have to share with God all of our joys, our woes, our needs and have those prayers answered is an indescribably awesome grace. As I have continued to ponder prayer, I've realized that the ability to listen, to be open to spiritually hear and take in the ways God answers my prayers is yet another grace. A grace to which I can add a ripple or two. When I actively listen to another person who needs to talk, that is God's grace in action. The other person probably doesn't even equate the conversation to prayer, yet that is, indeed, what it is. That conversation is lifted up as a prayer by the grace of God involved in helping me to listen. When I am the one who needs to talk, to share a burden, seek reconciliation, then I receive the grace of God through the attentive listening of a friend. My burdens, my hopes for reconciliation are lifted to God as a prayer through the grace of listening. What makes listening such a grace? It is simply the intent to listen with an ear cocked both toward our friend and toward God. Oftentimes, I pray for God to help me be the answers to my own prayers and to those prayers I share with others. Doing so opens me and my life to be the arms, shoulders, hands, and ears of God, and opens me and my life to God's incredible, awesome grace.

Another grace . . . openness. If we each began to stress spiritual listening and openness in our lives, in our relationships, imagine the changes. Our relationships would strengthen, mature, come alive in their possibilities. Come alive to radical availability. Openness and radical availability are cornerstones of ministry, and ministry is all about relationships. As Disciples of Christ, we all consider ourselves ministers. As Christians, we are the body of Christ and in that relationship with Christ and each other, we engage the world through the grace in our lives. When we act out of that grace to help others, we model for them what it means to be open, be available to Christ and the grace God so abundantly pours out. If we take the time to explore the ways in which we receive grace, acting in openness and with radical availability, we will see many opportunities for sharing that grace, being that Body.

We are beginning a prayer partner program here at First Christian Church of Decatur to help spiritually support the caregivers in our midst. As a part of the program, we are offering the participants a workshop in which we will explore spiritual listening and the development of spiritual friendships. I'm truly excited at the thought of ripples of grace spreading outward from our little group of listening, praying folks. Just how far can those ripples spread?

Be encouraged to seek that place of grace within which is full of joy and relationship!

Learning to Let Go

2010-01-20T15:55:00.002-05:00

I wanted to share some of the thoughts I've had lately of lifting up my hands to God, clenched and full of stuff...doing, rarely being and having God gently open my fingers, teach me how to let go, and then, indeed, fill my hands with ways of being...not doing. Fill my hands with the strength, wisdom, and capacity to, in fact, do what God has constructed, instructed me to do. For what I have lifted up that is of my construct, not God's, is consumed in the Refiner's fire. What is left is of God, pure and alive. It is out of this Spirit of being that I can then do what God has sent me to do. I am called to pastorally care for people. I have been sensing for quite a while that there is more of me that God wants. I feel called to lead the caregiver spiritual support ministry we're developing in a pastoral fashion, allowing the Spirit to work through me to open others' eyes and ears to see and hear God in their lives. Admittedly, there are administrative, educational, and organizational aspects to the caregiver's ministry which I am quite qualified through education, life, and work experiences to do. Yet, excitingly, each conversation I am lead to have with folks further shape and define that ministry. It's beautiful. Why? Because it is of God. Recent conversations with folks are revealing the gifts others have for this same ministry, which is what I figured would happen. All of these conversations are building the Kingdom of God here in my faith community because they are conversations filled with love and light and Spirit. There will come a time, when all is said and "done" that I will most likely step away from this ministry and move into something else God has in store for me -- and only God knows what that is! I'm finding delight in that. I'm finding joy and delight in an intimate relationship with God. God is good. Can't say that enough!

I know that I don't get "things" right every time. Yet, I do know that I am doing what God has called me to do, in a way God has called me to be. This is what has made my spine strong, reconciliation possible, and new beginnings emerge. What finally occurred to me is why would I continue to deny it? Good stuff.

That Space

2010-01-13T14:08:00.004-05:00

I've recently welcomed home my heart to that spiritual space within myself where only God and I go. It's been a good homecoming, full of warm embraces and revealed dreams and desires. A friend told me that it sounded as though it was a good time for me to be reading more Rumi and the Song of Songs . . . oh yeah! Desiring to soak up times like this to sustain me so that if and when I leave that place and am unable to find my way back for a while . . . yeah . . . definitely Rumi and Song of Songs.

It's all about remembering that I am, we all are, beloved of God. Sometimes I forget that if I was not beloved of God, if the world was not beloved of God, where would I or the world be right now? How would I or we be able to exist? There have been times in my life when I have separated myself from God, locked the door to that place within. I found despair and loneliness waiting outside for me. I began drifting toward a precipice from which there was no return. That's when an instrument of God here on earth touched my shoulder, my heart and said, "I'm listening", wooing me back from the edge. I had to make the decision to stop, turn around, and make that first step away from the precipice which looked so inviting.

The key though was having someone listen, spiritually, empathetically, openly -- and not offering any solutions, suggestions, cures, etc. Just listening. The way I see God is as the most intimate, empathetic listener there is. I believe that's why Christ came -- to show us, to be with us. Be with us. Unless we've been somewhere, experienced some pain, how can we listen empathetically?

It's Wednesday. Hump day . . . I wonder what the rest of the week holds? Part of being in "that place" with God is that I feel more open, more aware of the opportunities that are presented, unfolded, provided . . . for listening, for forgiving, for confessing, for healing.

. . . for letting go and being loved.

God Speaks

2010-01-06T14:48:00.002-05:00

Listen for the Word of the Lord:

Isaiah 43:1-7

But now thus says the Lord,

he who created you, O Jacob,

he who formed you, O Israel:

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I give Egypt as your ransom,

Ethiopia and Seba in exchange for you.

Because you are precious in my sight,

and honored, and I love you,

I give people in return for you,

nations in exchange for your life.

Do not fear, for I am with you;

I will bring your offspring from the east,

and from the west I will gather you;

I will say to the north, "Give them up,"

and to the south, "Do not withhold;

bring my sons from far away and

my daughters from the end of the earth--

everyone who is called by my name,

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made."

Getting Out of the Way

2010-01-05T18:03:00.003-05:00

Have you ever been so aware of God's engagement in your life, yet felt saddened by changes (good ones) simply because it's so obvious that you're not in control?

Weird question, right? Well, I'm in the midst of grieving. Grieving the loss of my recent status quo. Grieving the loss of what feels like a tremendous amount of responsibility that had been allotted to me quite by accident, by assumption, by enthusiasm, that I had come to enjoy, but for which I am obviously not ready. So, I'm experiencing some extreme emotions while trying to cope with changes, with the realignment of my life with God's reality. It's difficult. It's all good, though. That's part of what makes the feelings I'm in touch with seem so ridiculous.

When I can step back from my emotions, my feelings, and get a true sense of the rightness or appropriateness of my new status quo, I am obviously in a better situation, well-supported and cared-for, yet I can't seem to give up my sense of having been "held back". I believe those feelings arise from my feeling of being left out of the conversation. Those feelings will be addressed in time. This is all something I must simply allow to settle, I believe. I've never been one to simply allow things to settle. Nope. That is one of the hardest things for me to do, to allow.

Yet, there are definitely times when God expects us to. . . It's only when we stop that we can hear God speaking to us. When I can manage to stop, to allow the dust, or maybe vibrations in the air, settle, it's amazing what I hear from God. This has been an extremely difficult period of change so far for me. I'm hoping that as I take the time to be quiet and still, I will be shown God's mercy, God's hand in all of this. Be brought into the conversation. That's what I'm praying for anyway.

Peace.

Sharing

2009-12-31T17:16:00.004-05:00

What follows was sent to me by the Rev. Paul Turner, pastor of Gentle Spirit Christian Church of Atlanta. I found it powerful, yet most of all, humbling. You could say this is my first, and probably only, New Year's resolution.

May we each act on these powerful words as we begin 2010:

Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift. Don't grieve God. Don't break God's heart. The Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for God. Don't take such a gift for granted. Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.

God's Sky Crane

2009-12-29T20:54:00.007-05:00

Have you ever felt like you were being lifted out of a mess by a huge crane? I think of what the construction industry terms "sky cranes" and imagine God being one of those in a spiritual sense. In my previous post, I shared some of my angst lately and I must admit that over the last couple of days God has been sending me helpers, clarifiers, providers of perspective. The funny thing is though I had to be at a place where I would receive those God sent.

Funny that . . . having to be receptive.

What is the key to being receptive? Is being receptive in and of itself a gift from God? I tend to think of the love of God, revealed most fully in Christ, as being the "key." If we choose to take that love into our hearts and souls and minds, does that make us receptive to whatever God wants of us? Isn't taking that love into our hearts a prerequisite for baptism? For when we take that love into our hearts, we submit ourselves to a relationship with Christ. We acknowledge our debt. We make a statement that we are in Christ and Christ is in us.

Baptism has been on my mind a lot lately and the profound nature of its gift. Baptism is an outward sign of an inward receptiveness to God's Love in the World . . . Jesus Christ. We are one with Christ in his death and his resurrection in our baptism. We receive our most intimate visit with the Holy Spirit at our baptism. It is through this visit with the Holy Spirit that we receive our gifts, our call, the purpose of our new life in Christ. We can begin to see the purpose of our lives to this point. We begin to recognize the power and mercy of the Sustainer and Comforter as made known to us. An imprint of that power and mercy is left within our soul. Why? So that when God calls us to be a part of that sky crane, to help pull someone out of a quagmire of doubt and worry and disappointment, we recognize that part of God within that gives us the ability, the words, the arms and shoulders with which to do such compassionate work.

And, it all revolves around being receptive.

Difficult Patch

2009-12-26T13:54:00.004-05:00

I began writing this blog to share my experiences along the way on my spiritual journey.

Pretty much, I've been able to find something positive in the experiences I've had however difficult or uncomfortable. Yet recently I've hit a very rough patch. Using the vocabulary of path talk, I'm stuck in an area of steep scary hills and dark valleys and twisting, confusing trails taking me far from my clear path.

What is going on?

I really don't like feeling the way I do right now. Antsy, uncomfortable, foggy, guilty, angry, confused, disappointed . . . any more yucky adjectives out there? Oh yeah, incompetent. Yep, that's a big one. Oh and the whole "imposter" thing of "being found out." Wow, that's old stuff. It's like all of my very old, stinky, crusty baggage is being pulled out of the forgotten closets and off the deep dark shelves where it's been hidden way back in the back of beyond.

This brings to mind so many Psalms and the flow of many of the plaintive Psalms that moves from complaint and fear and loathing to reassurance and trust and love. I believe I'm in that first part. Hopefully, time spent in prayers of thanksgiving, petition, and confession will perhaps help me move along in the forward direction toward reassurance of God's grace in my life, toward renewing my trust in God being the captain of my passage, and most of all, toward the love of Christ which I hold in my heart.

All of that being said, where does this leave evil? A good friend of mine has been known to remind me of my being tested occasionally. Not being tested by God. No. Rather by the evil in the world. Is that what this is about? If so, I feel as though I have failed miserably and that evil is pretty happy right now. But how do I really feel about the whole evil thing? I guess I'm sort of in denial that the evil in the world can and does go after us sometimes. Especially when we are, perhaps, sailing along quite happily. I know from experience that it's when we're sailing along quite happily that our defenses drop (i.e., our spiritual disciplines), and we become vulnerable. Is that what has happened here?

So, in addition to spending quite a bit of time in prayer, I need to take time to inventory my recent disciplines. Hmm.....that's another uncomfortable thing to do.

Yep. Time of prayer. Time for prayer.

Black or White . . . All or Nothing

2009-12-15T17:16:00.004-05:00

Advent . . . a season of preparation of hearts and souls for the birth of our Savior. Part of that preparation for me has always been a time of personal inventory. A look at where I am emotionally, physically, spiritually; where I stand in terms of my relationships, my outlook, my dreams. . . . This year Advent has begun in the midst of a difficult period of change in my life, my relationships, and possibly my dreams.

Part of the inventorying process is taking a hard look at my tendency of experiencing my world (and all that creates it) as black or white and sometimes all or nothing. Now, I know I'm prone to this way of looking at things so I work very hard to be open to gray areas, to maintain a more open, accepting, even compromising point of view and generally accomplish it with grace and by Grace.

However, recently, in facing my reluctance to change, especially where growth and development demands it, I've tried to make certain of my relationships fit a mold of all or nothing. Not very successfully. I have found myself alternating between anger, frustration, and isolation. My spiritual friend asked me what I thought my soul was requiring of me in this time. I sensed that to be a profound question for me and a sadness crept into the mix. What was my soul requiring of me? I tremble actually to think of the importance of that question. Because my soul, after all, is what I am attempting to find and define and set free (aren't those, combined, an oxymoron?). There are times when I sense the growing edges, the edges that are rigid, the edges that ache, and I have no idea what to do. That's when I'm glad to have a spiritual friend who pushes me when I need it, even when it's uncomfortable and scary.

What is my soul requiring of me? I believe my soul is requiring me to have faith, to trust, to take a step without looking down -- rather by looking up. My soul knows what it's doing. I don't. My soul is inhabited by the Spirit of the Most Compassionate One and requires that trust to do its work. I'm not sure my soul accepts that I see this as a process, but I am making progress.

What am I not questioning?

2009-12-05T21:43:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking a lot recently about how I've been progressing along my spiritual path, about learning to pay attention to the leadings God is giving me along the way, how I've had to painfully experience lessons best learned that way apparently, how hard it is for me to work out and accept the answers to some difficult questions. What I've realized is that the most important element to my ministry is my authentic presence. If I can't be with the folks I'm led to minister to and be who I really am with those folks, then I've got some thinkin' to do. Over the last week, however, I have found that an ease has come over me with regard to just being with folks, and part of that "just being" is finding it possible to let the "real" me be with those folks. I've been much more open as an instrument of God's word and work for these kind people. I've heard words come out of my mouth and have an effect on them that clearly I would never have been able to come up with on my own. It's like my little "third eye" or maybe "third ear" is working -- watching and listening. It's been a good, grounding feeling. I'm actually feeling pretty steady right now. We'll have to see how long that lasts!

God's Timing

2009-11-21T07:27:00.002-05:00

Isn't it amazing that our perception of time and God's time can and often are so very different? A friend has expressed worry over how fast my journey has been up to this point. I agree that it appears "fast", however, I simply can't agree that there is anything to be worried about. God has carefully laid out this plan for years. I have asked God's help in choosing the classes I've been taking -- some of which "I've" really wanted to take haven't been available. I've had to "wait" for the right one. I have been pushed. I have been really tired. However, being pushed and being tired are okay. Why? Because I've been learning from whence my support comes. When all else fails, when I fail in my own time management and my own self care, God steps in and will give me a break -- helping me find the time to do what I need to do. An important lesson I've learned is that when God presents me with a "break" I should take it.

I've been presented with a break of two and a half months. I can reconnect with some folks I've been missing. I can sleep. I can store up those spiritual goodies which will carry me through next spring. I can also get back into my own groove of prayer and meditation -- tools I'll definitely need next spring. Prayer and meditation -- they are why I know my travels have been "of God" . . . gotta keep those lines of communication open and healthy. If I don't then there's no way I can keep up.

I think it's amusing that God has been so patient and kind and gentle and present with me since I became aware of God's existence at 5 years old. Now, though, all that time we've spent together, all the "training" and "preparation" that has been my life . . . has lead me to this, to a beautiful community of faith, to loving and caring spiritual friends, to a spiritually alive program of study, to a wonderful ministry to caregivers -- all in God's time. What sort of surprises me sometimes is the beauty of how it all dovetails so nicely. Of course, that's how God is revealed in it. That is where I get my inspiration to keep going, to keep following this path God has laid out for me and reveals to me bit by bit.

God is good.

Putting the brakes on . . .

2009-11-17T17:11:00.003-05:00

What a relief. That feeling of coming to a stop, safely, in one piece, at the end of a roller coaster ride. Why is it that I feel this way? I think I need to figure that out.

Being Brought to Silence

2009-11-12T23:44:00.003-05:00

For the first time in my life, while actively conversing with a clergy friend, I was stopped in my tracks so to speak. Just literally drawn to be quiet and reflective and still. I'm sure I looked quite odd. My friend stopped talking and looked at me and asked what was wrong. I couldn't tell him. It was as though a cajillion thoughts were bombarding my brain at the same time and had short circuited something, blown a fuse . . . but not really. It was strangely quiet and calm in my head, but not my soul.

I had been asked by the chair of our Eldership to provide the answers to two questions to them this Saturday and those two questions had been on my mind. I believe God wanted me to hear what my friend had to say about those two questions. So, when I found my voice again, I told my friend my thoughts, how I had thought about responding, and he questioned my reasoning, my thoughts, my feelings, my knowledge -- it was extremely hard to hear; it was frightening to hear. I think that's why I needed to hear it. The coolest thing was that I didn't get defensive. I listened -- because God wanted me to -- and I asked questions and listened some more. It was kinda weird!

I've composed my responses and have shared them with three people whom I trust. One of whom is this friend. He has responded favorably. I guess I'll see what the other two say tomorrow.

What I found frightening was the intensity of God's interaction in this. It's as though God were saying, "Pay attention. This is serious. No more bullshit. Be truthful. Be mine." What I found fascinating was my ability to recognize it for what it was almost immediately. There was nothing evil or scary to sense. This was a time of intense discernment -- possible only because I was willing to go there. The chemistry between me and my friend is such that I cannot lie to him. Period. So when he asked, a second time, what was going on, I had to tell him. At first only confused by the way I felt, what I was sensing. This encounter was extremely intimate in that it was in my head, heart, and soul. This encounter was extremely powerful in that it made me inventory my call. I'm still not willing, I guess, to look at where this will ultimately take me. I'm leaving that to God.

Ufdah. Time for sleep!

Letting Go, Part 2

2009-11-01T10:31:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting on my bed in a relatively comfortable position given my sciatica. I must admit that it is much better today than yesterday. I was in tears yesterday because I was seeing all my carefully laid out plans falling to pieces because of pain. Pain over which I thought I had no control. So I gimped around the house yesterday, sporadically taking ibuprofen, drinking water, and generally feeling really crappy. My emotions were gloomy, my prayers were gloomy. It was Halloween after all! At one point, in tears, I called my friend who is a massage therapist and asked for help, deep tissue help. Well, late yesterday afternoon, she was able to work on my back and leg and I thought make some progress. However, that was before I got off the table. As soon as my feet hit the floor, it seemed as though nothing had changed. So last night, I stayed home to hand out candy (luckily only a few kids came by) while the rest of my family went out to a small party and trick or treating. That was okay. I had listened to my friend's advice and began taking the ibuprofen on a strict schedule -- so as not to let the pain get the better of me. I was reading, watching bad horror movies on TV, cruising the net -- all while relatively comfortably situated on the couch. I made the sad decision to notify my pastor I wouldn't be at church this morning and the program coordinator for my class which starts tonight that I might not be able to attend. I began letting go of my plans.

I also began praying. I was praying for my family's health and safety while out trick or treating. I was praying for my prayer partner in this class for her preparation. I was asking God to relieve my pain and make it possible for me to go to this class. Most of all, I was praying for the wherewithal to be still, to let go, to not have to be moving around and doing. So, I took my muscle relaxer and went to bed last night thinking, well I'll probably be allowed to transfer to another class later on and my pastor is quite capable of leading the Sunday school class all by himself! I slept like a log til about 4:00 am when I gimped into the kitchen for my ibuprofen. What has happened is that as my body as awakened (after coffee and a warm shower), I realize that my leg is better. This time, however, I am resisting all notions of "doing" again. I am remaining still and quiet -- continuing reading and preparation for this class tonight. What God has done is given me a certain quietude within me to make that possible. God has also reminded me that my neighbor who is quite elderly has offered me the use of her car (with an automatic transmission) in the past and would most likely be happy to help me in allowing me to borrow it for this week. I'm not feeling desperate. I'm feeling like things are working out how they should work out and I simply must keep doing my part.

I am also hopeful that if I can make it to this first session, that one of the participants there will pray with me about my sciatica and bring with that prayer continued healing. Hope. God is so good at giving hope. Presenting it for viewing. Our responsibility as a prayerful people is to see what God is offering. Open our eyes and hearts willingly to receive that which God offers. Sometimes it isn't very easy to do. Sometimes it takes an awful pain in the leg to get our attention.

Crying Out and Demanding An Answer

2009-10-23T08:43:00.003-04:00

I've gone and done it. I have shaken my fist at God and demanded an answer to my fervent prayers for assistance! All through the Psalms we hear that repeated. In the New Testament, we hear stories of beggars and women (!) demanding the attention of Christ. Well, yesterday morning, I demanded my Lord's attention and words of wisdom and enlightenment. God must have thought I could finally handle the answer to my prayers because I was filled with answers all morning. My eyes were opened, my ears were opened, my heart was opened. It was an amazing thing.

Wednesday in Centering Prayer we meditated on Mark 10:46-52 where Bartimaeus the beggar would not be silenced and kept calling out to Jesus. Jesus responded by calling Bartimaeus to him and asking what he wanted Jesus to do for him. Bartimaeus responds that he desires to see. It seems so simple, Jesus healing the vision of one more person, but it spoke so much more to me. Jesus rewarded Bartimaeus for his faith, for his persistence in that faith when a resolution to his problem did not appear to be forthcoming; when people attempted to silence his pleas. I believe that is what happened with me yesterday. I had had enough of waiting. Of silencing myself. So I heard Jesus ask what I wanted him to do for me. I told Jesus EVERYTHING.

That's not as easy as it sounds. That's part of the opening of my heart. I was able to be completely, painfully honest, drop all pretense about what I was feeling and just felt it and shared it with Jesus. I was tired of not getting the response I THOUGHT I wanted from those around me. I was tired of not knowing what I THOUGHT I desperately wanted to know. What I received from Jesus was not the answers or the responses I was seeking from my fellow humans. I received Grace. I received the simple pleasure of knowing I had been heard. Heard for what I was saying, how I was feeling, what I was thinking and that I never had to hesitate, censor my thoughts or words, I could just say to Jesus ANYTHING and get a loving response that I had been heard.

Suddenly, it didn't matter anymore what response I got from those around me. It didn't matter if I ever received the information I had thought it was so necessary to have. I had received attention from God. Period. I could be the me that God had made me, no filters, no shadows -- just me. I'm not sure if I'm communicating how exhilarating that is for me, but it is simply that -- exhilarating!

God begins where clinging to things ends

2009-10-10T08:53:00.002-04:00

I love that little line. It puts a lot of my spiritual journey into perspective. It puts a lot of my life in general in perspective. When I have stopped clinging to the way things were, to the way I thought things were supposed to be, I have found God waiting, patiently, to show me the way things really are. I have found God waiting, patiently, to show me compassion and mercy. Healing is just around the corner. Understanding is too.

What I have found, though, is that when my progress slows, it's because I'm clinging to something I need to let go of. When I realize what that thing is and I let go, the relief and release is incredible, and then I'm off again on this tremendous roller coaster ride that's been my spiritual journey of awakening and transformation for the past three years.

I like the word "tremendous" because it reflects the true nature of everything that's happened in my life over the last three years. Physically, emotionally, spiritually -- relationships, beliefs, knowledge -- when I allow myself to look back, I am in awe of how far away from old ways I've come, yet how enmeshed with some old ways I remain. That's where the letting go comes in. Eventually, I need to go further than I can without letting go. That's when my journey slows and I have to process what it is that's holding me back. It's like untangling my foot from a net. Feeling the pull to move forward, but being held back. It's difficult work at times, untangling myself from the net of old thinking, of old habits. But I offer myself solace in that it is a small bit of myself I'm untangling. It's okay. Just a little bit more. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I will eventually be completely untangled, but I can't allow that to creep in when I'm negotiating with myself. Comfort comes from the strangest places sometimes!!

Comfort, indeed, comes from the strangest places. So does encouragement. Frequently, my encouragement comes from very contrary places -- either from within my own tangled thinking or "out there" somewhere. A person who normally is very cautious or unsupportive will suddenly say or do something suprisingly supportive. Or at least something I end up drawing support from. God is in the works!

What Now?

2009-09-29T19:20:00.003-04:00

My heart is troubled. We've all had those arguments or been involved somehow in a squabble that left us feeling defeated and blue and wondering what to do. That's where I am right now. I wonder what I'm supposed to do now. The funny thing is I know what I need to do and I feel stymied about doing it. My prayer practices have definitely suffered because of this conflict. I haven't been praying as routinely or regularly as normal. I think I know why. I think it's because I don't want to hear from God. My ears are shut; however, I know if I pray, then I simply must listen. Nope, don't wanna. As much advice as I can give myself, receive from friends, etc., won't have nearly as much impact on my choices, my decisions, my actions as will both the Word written and spoken. That's the spot I'm in, because I know. I can't plead ignorance. I believe that's why I feel so stuck right now, because I'm choosing not to listen, not to even attempt to talk with God about what's going on . . . how self-defeating is that!?

Frogs and Fishes

2009-09-25T08:59:00.002-04:00

Recently, I attended a class in which I was the lone Disciples of Christ. It was the first experience of my feeling so alone in my spirituality, which was interesting because the subject matter of the class was "Worship and Spirituality." What I was struck by was the freedom I feel within my spirituality to experience God, Christ, the Holy Spirit in so many and varied ways. I have a certain "mobility" to my faith that keeps me from attempting to hem in my Lord. In this way, I came to think of this metaphor -- I felt like a frog among fish. Similar, yet distinctly different -- not trapped in any one way of experiencing God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit. I shared this comparison with a good friend who is equally rare and distinct in her spirituality, and she reminded me of what "frog" means -- "fully reliant on God." "Wow!" I thought. What does that make fish?

Throughout the history of the Church, Christians have been identified by the fish. To me it has always been a reminder of Jesus' abundant love for the whole people of God ... loaves and fishes, fish for breakfast by the sea ... So where does that leave me ... a frog? When my friend said that about being fully reliant on God, it made me stop and think: "Am I?" Do I live my life in that manner ... fully relying on God to supply my every need? I tend to want to shy away from that question and change that from "fully" to "freely". That's a significant change. I do attempt to live my life aware of God's abundant provision for me on a daily basis. Only recently have I begun to be "freely" reliant on God. Free from the constraints of the boxes in which people tend to place Christians and those who claim a spirituality based in Jesus' teachings.

So, I understand where that leaves me, a frog -- freely reliant on God. But where does that leave the fish? Is there a way for frogs to inspire fish? To leap about and bring some joy and laughter and freedom into the lives of fish?

Listening . . . Reconciliation

2009-08-30T13:31:00.003-04:00

We should never underestimate the power of God's love for us in response to our prayers for help, intercession, understanding, and reconciliation. All of us are in relationship with someone and there are times when each of us does something or says something which disappoints, angers, frustrates, or even scares those with whom we are in relationship. It is a good thing when this happens to turn to God and ask for help in sorting out the relationship. As in all of our prayers, though, we need to be of a "single" mind as to what we're asking God to do. If we haven't taken the time to sort through our actions and reactions, our emotions and desires, how can we, first, recognize our part in the state of the relationship, and second, bring the situation to God with a "single" mind as to what we ask. (James 1:6-8) It is in our minds and our hearts that we do battle with our false self and true self -- the self who is never wrong and the self who sees someone else's point of view. God desires for us to be in right relationship with each other and with God. We've heard the "Golden Rule" before . . . it has great meaning in a situation where there is a dispute and hurt feelings . . . we are charged by God to do unto others as we would have them do unto us.

What does this say to us about the way in which we need to encounter and engage each other when we have erred in our relationships? God has provided us with the perfect example. Jesus spoke hard things honestly and lovingly. Jesus also listened. This morning we heard a wonderful sermon about the power of listening. Perhaps in resolving conflicts in our relationships, we could rephrase that "Golden Rule" to read "listen to others as we would have them listen to us." A part of the text for the sermon was James 1:19,20, "You must understand this my beloved, let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for your anger does not produce God's righteousness." As we pray to God, with a single mind, and ask for help in mending our relationships, we can do so with the confidence that God will, indeed, use the love and light sent into this world with Christ to give us the understanding and peace in our hearts with which to engage our family, friends, and neighbors (the world over) and aid us in our reconciliations.

However, we're right back to listening because if we fail to listen, we will not hear God's voice, we will not experience God's love and light, and we will miss out on a "rightness" in our relationships which brings joy into our lives. My prayer for this week is to have eagerly listening ears and a willing heart with which to hear God's voice.

My Cup Runneth Over

2009-08-26T15:43:00.004-04:00

The phrases "O for a thousand tongues to sing" and "my cup runneth over" are winding their way through my head today.

I am joyful and feeling sorta pleased with myself. It's been a few days of ministry and learning. Another phrase comes to mind . . . "ministry is relationships" . . . I've found that to be so true this week (so far); I've found that to be a fount of joy. Or maybe that comes from getting to do something I feel called to do. Or all of it!

Joyful, joyful we adore thee! (another one)

Peace!

Letting Go

2009-08-22T11:55:00.003-04:00

How do we go about letting go of long-held, long-buried emotions . . . emotions which are hurtful to ourselves, to our relationship with God, to our relationships with others? I've begun asking myself that question. Letting go. I have found that to be one of the most difficult things I do.

I face it every morning. As a mother, I let go of my children as they walk away from me down the hill to meet the school bus, leaving the sphere of my influence and protection. As a wife, I let go of my husband as he speeds down the street on his scooter on the way to work, separating from our combined life. As a child of God . . . I let go of hurts and disappointments that are the result of expectations and understandings that aren't helpful, that haven't been "of God." Or at least I should . . . let those go. At least as a mother and a wife, I can expect the return of my children at a certain time in the afternoon and my husband in the early evening. That sort of letting go is different.

Letting go of my past without losing it. That's tricky. We all have a past we have survived and, hopefully, learned from. So, in reality, we don't want to lose what we've gained by surviving it. But how can we let go of those diffcult, unsavory emotions that have hung around, long past their expiration date?

I was journaling and working my way through this issue this morning. I was literally flipping through the Bible looking for some inspiration, some guidance and was drawn, once again, to 2 Corinthians -- seems to be my book lately. In 2 Cor. 4:16-18, I found what I needed to hear.
"So we do not lose heart. Even though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure, because we look not at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen; for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal."

When I read this, I saw an image of my soul, my emotions, my identity being layers . . . that false self, the identity I've built up over the years to protect myself from hurt and disappointment -- that "outer nature" is indeed wasting away and is slowly being replaced by the building up of my "inner nature" and its renewal, day by day. So, I guess, by allowing God, every day, to help me loosen my grip on these ancient emotions, eventually, I'll be able to totally let them go. They aren't helpful now; to the inner, true self that is emerging, so why keep them around.

What I have done is recognize why I felt these emotions in my past. What the circumstances were, how mature I was (or wasn't) at the time, how much of those circumstances was simply beyond my control. I can forgive myself for feeling these emotions then . . . and now. I know God has. What I am working with God on right now is forgiving myself for acting on those emotions for so many years.

The grace of God follows me through this process, is already present at each juncture I meet, and precedes me along my path!

Time Flies

2009-07-29T23:20:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it's already the end of July . . . a month since my last post. The kids have been out of school, we've just returned from our yearly week at Cumberland Dance Week in Kentucky, now we have another week before school starts back for the kids. I'm not sure where this summer went! I have a son who is going into middle school. I've been awestruck by the changes in him over the summer . . . what I got to see and experience of him at Camp . . . I'm actually not quite as worried about middle school as I was before the summer started. My children are growing up. We want our kids to grow up. Really. But sometimes, it's hard. I never could get my mother to admit that . . . that she ever had regrets or wishes for more time. Right now, with so much change happening in our house, I wish I had made more time over the last couple of years just to be with my kids. Just be with them. I don't know.

Life goes on and we can choose a different lilt to our step with our next footfall.

The Cost of Being Too Busy

2009-06-26T18:14:00.003-04:00

Today's been an irksome day. I've been being bothered in a way by my conscience. I have a friend in my neighborhood who's in her 80's. She and I have become closer since our mutual friend Grace passed away a little over a year ago. However, this past spring I just got "too busy" to walk down the street. What was I doing? I was taking classes in the Certificate of Spiritual Formation course I'm enrolled in; I was doing PTA business with my kids' school; I was feeling overwhelmed with what was happening to me, in me. Somewhere along the line, I forgot that my ministry begins at home. My ministry begins in my neighborhood. I became so focused on "out there" that I lost focus as to what was really important -- friends and neighbors.

I believe that's what came home to roost this afternoon. So, I walked down the way and sat and visited with Mary. It made me unbearably sad to see how she had changed physically in the last few months. She was very forgiving and appreciative of my "busy-ness", but as I was leaving, she said she just figured that I had already lost my mother, I had lost our friend Grace . . . and that I just didn't want to befriend another old woman. It brought tears to my eyes because there is some truth of that in my heart. I quickly hugged her and promised her I would be back. That's a promise I must keep. I'd say that's a covenant.

I think we all go through stages in our spiritual development. I believe I'm entering a time of inventory -- again. Early on there was a long period of time of closely looking at who and what I was. As I look forward to being able to have an office to work in separate and apart from my house, I've been considering ways of transitioning from work to home. The thing is, I won't change, just the job. What's important is how I integrate the ways in which I have grown and the ideas and beliefs that I have developed about the kind of person I want to be into a whole, full-time, faith-full person. God simply won't allow me to hide behind the ministry I work in to keep from dealing with the ministry I live in.

Fear is present; I know that. Fear of who exactly I'm melding into being. I don't feel terribly ready to go there yet. I do know that I am forgiven -- both by Mary and by God. Now's the time I show it.

Missing Friends

2009-06-24T22:42:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking lately about how I'm missing so many of my good friends lately because of summer travel plans. That made me think of many of my good friends who live just far enough away that I don't see them nearly as often as I wish I could. Some of my good friends are here in town and I still don't see them nearly as often as I wish because of our busy lives. I began to wonder if face time is imperative to keeping a relationship going. In this age of cell phones, email, facebook, twitter, etc., it's easy enough to stay in touch even when we can't be in touch. When I want to be with my friends, though, I find it most satisfying when I can lay eyes on them, lay hands on them, give and get hugs, kisses, and slaps on the back. It's a realization that all of these hands-off ways of staying in touch simply aren't satisfying, or nurturing in a way I expect a friendship to be.

What I've come to accept is that my relationship with God is the same way. It's just as important for me to have face time with God as it is with my good friends. You might ask how that can be since we can't see or feel God. Well, I happen to think I can. I know I see and feel God every Sunday morning when I get up and go to church. I am surrounded by God. I see God in the faces of all of us as we lift them up in praise and thanksgiving. I feel God in all of the arms that hug me when I'm upset about something. I feel God in all of the hugs and kisses and slaps on the back that come my way when all is happiness. Being nurtured in my relationship with God is more than my private prayer and study time. It's about serving in God's name. It's about being with God's people.

When I think about the meal I share with fellow Christians every Sunday, I can't help but reflect on the tactile nature of this gift. Christ broke bread with his Disciples. He touched the bread with hands that would soon be pierced through. He lifted up the cup and blessed it with hands and arms that would soon be bound to a cross. We serve each other this blessed meal every Sunday with hands that have worked hard all week, with hands that have caressed a sick child's fevered brow, with hands that have held the hands of a grieving friend, with hands that have clapped in happiness at birthday parties. We partake of this greatest gift in remembrance of the Friend we have in Jesus. As I take communion, I tend to think of how wonderful it would be to reach out and touch Jesus. Give him a hug. I usually find someone to fill the bill before I leave.

What I'm reading . . .

2009-06-06T14:29:00.001-04:00

Great little book by Mary Margaret Funk (one of a triology) Thoughts Matter. Giving me a lot to consider.

Letting Go of Murphy

2009-06-04T18:42:00.003-04:00

My mother's dog, our step-dog ... Murphy. At 15 he was an old man and acted like one. But still sweet. Still cantankerous at times. I looked at Murphy and every time thought of my mother. Not my mother, . . . mama. He was Mama's dog. She had rescued him from a not-too-good situation. He had already been run over twice (by a truck and a motorcycle), leaving him with some extra back issues. As is the policy in our family, she spoiled him rotten up until the last couple of years she was in her house. During that time, he had accumulated some heartworms, and while being treated for them, lost half his liver. He was, as we lovingly called him, a gold-plated dog. A timex dog.

Earlier today, I was suffering some guilt over Murphy, feeling like we didn't truly integrate him into our lives, our family. Sure, we gave him a roof over his head, food every day, and good vet care, but emotionally, I didn't think we really gave him what he had grown accustomed to -- lavish, hold in our arms, love. Now, I'm not so sure. He made some choices, we made some choices, and I think we both worked out a living arrangement that suited us. He was used to living by himself with Mama. He was forced to come live with us: four people (2 young kids) and a big dog, and chickens (at the time). Culture shock! So to give him (and us) credit, it worked.

Lately, his age and the circumstances of his life had caught up with him. Murphy was tired. Yesterday, I took him to the vet for an evaluation; to get some feedback on how he was doing and what should be done from now on. Well, the evaluation was tough to hear ... we can help alleviate his symptoms, but "you'll be back before you know it." I decided not to make him wait. The vet and I realized that he was ready. Murphy was just laying there very quietly, chillin'. Waiting for us to see what he already knew.

I'm okay with having had to make this decision now, to help his spirit be released from his body. His body was holding on (that old timex), but Murphy's spirit was cool with being reunited with the Holy One from which it came. I miss the tippy tippy of his toenails on the floor. It's entirely too quiet. Our cat has been talking a LOT today, aware her buddy is missing, I guess. I keep reassuring her.

God is grieving with us, but is also rejoicing in the homecoming of a furry friend. I think Murphy and Mama have found each other, too. I know God will continue to help me grieve my way through this loss. I know this because yesterday and today I've been in prayer with God, in conversation with my pastor and spiritual friends, and long-time close friends -- getting a lot of support and wise words of comfort and reassurance. I'll be okay; my family will be okay, too.

One last thought: I thank God that God is.

Global Mourning

2009-06-02T21:29:00.004-04:00

This past Sunday was Pentecost -- a significant time in Christianity -- a time when the "Church" was born. Two of the tremendous gifts we received at Pentecost were the Enduring Presence of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit as comforter and sustainer. What would the world be like if we all stopped and called upon that Enduring Presence -- promised to the Disciples by Jesus as he was trying to prepare them for the time he would leave. If, as a world community, we called upon that promise, what would happen? I know, in my heart and soul, that God is grieving with us right now at the horrible loss of life that is ongoing in this world. God loves all of creation so abundantly. We are part of that creation. We like to think we're God's favorite part of creation (I'm not too sure about that sometimes), yet I know that abundant, holy love is ours. Imagine the difference in the world, in the attitudes toward each other, that would be possible if we all stopped what we were doing and asked God, asked Jesus to be with us, to make His presence known and palpable. That we are hurting and lonely and scared.

It's my belief that as Christians we can respond to the death in the world with the belief that God grieves, that we all grieve together, and that God will comfort us ALL in our grief.

Good Friends

2009-05-31T00:18:00.002-04:00

Good friends are priceless. Good friends are those you call when you're upset, when you're happy, when you're confused, when you're sick. Good friends have been where you are and have "ears to listen"; they'll also tell you how it felt to them and how they made it through. If you're lucky, you have good friends who, for some unknown reasons, have immense confidence in you and aren't afraid to tell you.

I am so lucky to be loved and appreciated by a few, priceless, good friends. Friends who aren't afraid to let emotion or tears creep into the conversation. Friends who know when a conversation needs concentration and when it doesn't. Friends. I'm lucky to be married to my best friend. He's got the toughest job of all of 'em.

I thank God for my friends.

Ahhh Fog Out My Window

2009-05-28T07:40:00.003-04:00

I was surprised to see fog as I looked out the window this morning. I love fog. Rarely in this part of the city do we see really good fog. That thick, impenetrable almost liquid stuff. That fog we see in old English movies. The kind that, in monster movies, swirls around the feet of the unknowing victims as the monster creeps ever closer . . . Yep, I like fog.

There's a lot of fog on a spiritual journey, you know. A friend of mine would probably say, "Oh yeah, that's the 'cloud of unknowing'." Well, maybe. I think it's God's way of keeping us in the moment, not letting us see too far down the path so that we stay focused on what is immediately before us, the work at hand. Fog, to me, is beautiful first and foremost. And mysterious and exciting. Wow -- I just described my vision of God. Fog is also elusive -- you can't gather it in and put in a box to save for later. Fog is restorative. If you've ever taken an early morning walk in the fog -- oooo, my skin always loves that! The feeling of these tiny particles of water ever so gently resting on my face is an incredible experience. I think of the Peace of God as a fog like that. Especially when I need it so badly! The Peace of God that passes ALL understanding -- yep - God Fog.

Watching Kids Grow

2009-05-19T22:07:00.002-04:00

My son is 11. He is at an age where he seems to be changing every day. It's an incredible experience being in the same house with him. Don't get me wrong; he still can really push my buttons, refuse to do his chores, and keep his room a mess, but . . . He's moving on to middle school in the fall and I have to admit to some mommy blues. How did this happen?

My son is 11. He is on his own spiritual journey. I find it an awesome thing to behold. The questions he asks -- those that are on his face but he doesn't put into words . . . yet. It's an amazing, wonderful, abundantly miraculous thing that God is doing.

What gives me the mommy blues sometimes is when I wonder what my son is being prepared for . . . because each of us, throughout our lives, are prepared for what God wants of us. God lets nothing go to waste, not a single experience. God will find a way to use it. So . . . what is my son being prepared for, what does God have in mind? I look at all 11 years of his life and see so much loss and sadness already. I see very deep emotions and a sense of right and wrong. I see an ability to entertain babies and exude deep joy and happiness while doing so. What does God have in mind?

Just recently I've really begun to realize just how wontonly God loves us. Extravagantly. Part of what brings tears to my eyes when I watch my son's journey is the knowing that my God loves him that way, too. Is God crying tears of bittersweet emotion as he watches our children grow up? Our mothering/fathering God of tenderness and mercy, faithfulness and justice . . . I think so. I hope so. The idea helps me when I get the weepy mommy blues to know that I'm not alone. That is the Comforter!

I'm so happy that summer break is almost upon us. I'm looking forward to unstructured time with both my kids this summer. To watch and to learn what I can from them. To watch and learn what they experience of God maybe. We'll see.

Letting Go in Order to Grow

2009-05-07T20:46:00.005-04:00

Movement. Any journey is about movement. A spiritual journey is no different. I'm taking a few weeks to look over my journey so far, to sort through and recognize the progress I've made and the areas where I've resisted. What I've learned recently is that it's okay to treasure the people and tools that have served me and my journey well, that have accompanied me on this early part of my journey. It's okay as long as I don't allow that emotion to keep me from moving forward, possibly letting go of the intensity of a connection so that I can experience or encounter another, even see another connection.

I think of my most favorite teacher in elementary school. It was 4th grade. I really didn't want to move on to 5th grade and leave her behind, but I had to. I saw, eventually, that I wasn't actually leaving her behind -- I still got to see her -- I just had moved on up to new experiences and new ways of encountering life, and new teachers. The great thing that I finally realized (in about 6th grade) was that it was this favorite teacher that had prepared me to experience new things and to be willing to encounter life in new and different ways.

Learning to see and love all that God has provided me as guidance and fuel for my journey is, in fact, part of the journey. A great by-product of this is the fact that I'm learning more about myself intellectually and emotionally, not just spiritually because, in reality, they are all of a piece. A piece that's me.

Sitting with God

2009-05-04T20:10:00.002-04:00

I've noticed that when I need to sit quietly with God the most, I have the hardest time doing it. I keep finding a bajillion things that "need" to be done or thought about or dealt with BEFORE I can sit and be quiet. That's why I tend to get up at an insanely early hour. Sometimes that doesn't even work.

However, if I persevere, keep working at it, then it happens. This tremendous silence fills wherever I am, fills my head, my heart, my soul. I can sense God with me right then. For however long it lasts, I am grateful for the Presence. I try not to think of anything, ask for anything. Just sit and be present with the Presence. Hmm...be present with the Presence. Interesting idea . . . . I can't truly be present with anything else can I? Ha!

I don't think I'm alone in this. I think most people have a hard time being silent and still. God tells us to do so, though, throughout scriptures. "Be still and know that I am." How can we know that God is, unless we slow down, stop, and be still. We miss the fact that our families are with us half the time because we're so busy. So how could we expect to "be" with God under the same circumstances. I feel like God is much harder to nail down than our families. God is magnificently, awe-inspiringly, knee-shakingly huge in a spiritual sense. I can't put God in a box to be opened when I have time to be quiet. Nope. Not possible. God wants our undivided attention. God warrants our undivided attention. No question about it. Our God is a jealous God.

I wouldn't want it any other way. Why? Because only a God who loves us so completely, so jealously would send us the Son, the Christ to show us the immensity of that love, to show us how to love ourselves and others, to show us how to be obedient to God in view of that love, to show us that obedience to God in view of that love is the only way to God. The beauty of this is that this love, this compelling, jealous love is a gift to us. There's no way we can earn it. There's no way we deserve it. However, we have it. We get to keep it, too. No matter the ways in which we screw up, God still loves us. God patiently waits for us to "get it". Nudging us this way and that.

God's love. Sitting with God. Silently, because it's too beautiful to put into words.

Fruits of the Journey

2009-04-11T17:24:00.002-04:00

The season of Lent . . . traditionally, I give up something. This year it was to be email and facebook. I'll be laughing about my poor attempt at giving up email for years to come! However, our church's theme this year was "grace and gratitude." I've done much better about recognizing the moments of grace in my life and communicating my gratitude for those moments when they occur. Ash Wednesday, I donned my "Thank You" necklace from 28 years ago and have kept it on throughout Lent. It's my way of having a gentle reminder of the effect my actions have on others, of the effect others' lives have on me, and of the gracious love and redemption given freely to me by our savior, Jesus Christ.

I have taken the opportunity over these last few weeks to deeply examine my personal spiritual beliefs. It amazes me that my life has been, and continues to be, so greatly influenced by the life of a man who lived and died 2000 years ago. What I have found is that the beliefs I hold as to who that man was have extremely deep roots, penetrating all the way back to my childhood. I have found a new strength inside me so that when my intellect looks at my beliefs and scoffs, I can hold myself upright and can claim that it doesn't matter if the history books don't relate the same story as I learned growing up about Jesus. Jesus was human and holy -- real, divine, whole -- beloved of God. My faith is rooted in the knowledge that I have that divinity within me. When I acknowledged a relationship with Jesus Christ and the love that he brought into the world, the Holy Spirit wrapped me, invaded me, claimed me -- became an integral part of me. As I grow in my own spiritual knowledge, God seeks me out -- tenderly sometimes, but also a bit impatiently at times, pulling me toward a new place, a new way. My reluctance at times so silly and inane. What have I to give up? What holds me so that I want to linger here, static, unwilling to grow and expand? I am holding myself so tightly, afraid of letting go, letting God take hold of me and experience that all-consuming love. I want that wild and unencumbered release of my soul I know God can give me, but it is frightening for me to consider allowing it!

I feel like the fruits of this Lenten season will last for quite a while . . . encouraging me on to further digging and exploration. Who says it has to end on Easter morning?

Knowing God's At Work

2009-04-06T06:17:00.002-04:00

Last night, I had an awesome experience of being aware of God being at work -- seeing His hand unfold and protect and guide. Wow! I was aware of it as it was happening. That's what was awesome. That's what I have been wanting to achieve for a long time. That's what I call synchronicity -- which is a little different than most folks' definition. God is active in our everyday lives. Period. Sometimes, we either don't see it, or, in reality, don't want to see it!

I had some choices to make last night -- in my actions and my speech -- God helped me make those choices. It's interesting that I had a conversation with my 11 year old son Saturday afternoon about the meaning of "WWJD" -- what would Jesus do? I had that conversation with myself a few times last night. It's an amazing process . . . actively asking and then waiting for the answer. God works that way, you know. I believe God wants that kind of commitment from us. I believe that when we make that kind of commitment, God listens and responds -- quickly. I didn't have to wait for my answers. They were as plain as day.

The responsibility lies with me though. If I ask, then I must listen and respond. Just as I desire God to do. Therein lies the problem most of the time. I ask, then I don't listen and respond. In reality, it's never just about the listening, it's also about the responding. I can hear what God wants me to do, or not do, say or not say, but unless I heed the response, I've wasted my time, and God's!

Going the Distance

2009-03-31T19:16:00.003-04:00

When God calls you to something, that means that God has prepared you for something. What has God called me to? God has called me to go the distance with folks who are taking care of people. God has called me to revisit a painful place in my life -- dealing with the pitfalls and pain of Alzheimer's Disease and other mental illnesses. In my life, I have gone the distance. I have been the "last [wo]man standing" where others have fallen away. What kept me there? What kept me going? I'm not positive, but I think God did. God knew that I needed to know. God knew I needed to know what it felt like to be that last one. God knew I needed to know what it felt like to bear witness to those last moments with someone. God knew I needed to know what it felt like to say goodbye to someone who may or may not have been aware I was there, or if they were, might not have known who I was.

God knew because God had a plan. God had a plan for my life. God has a plan for each of our lives. What have you been prepared for? What might God call you to do and be to use all of that preparation?

Wow!

2009-03-26T21:00:00.002-04:00

What an incredible evening! Kids in our school have been practicing for six weeks, getting ready for tonight's Arts & Talents Showcase. Yesterday, at dress rehearsal, I was praying that the old adage about a bad rehearsal meaning a good performance was true! And, you know, God was looking out after us. Tonight went relatively like clockwork. No one forgot the words to their songs, tripped, the music played, the lights worked, the audience sat enraptured with their children and their friends' children. It was beautiful. I was so very proud. Last year, we had 10 acts. This year, we had 19, which included 30 children!

All those children now know what it means to have courage! The courage to be their unique selves. We had a pre-K child that played the piano and went all the way up to several fifth graders singing and/or dancing. One parent said, "You know, I didn't cringe a single time. This was great!" What better praise for a school talent show? It was incredible!

Okay, enough gushing. Just had to share. This, too, is part of my journey -- I just shared this patch with 30 kids and 5 grown-ups over the last six weeks. I'm glad I'm moving on to another patch, though. I'm tired!

Beautiful Calm

2009-03-21T09:51:00.003-04:00

How beautiful the soothing calm

I find in my tender soul.

Fluid and firm, warm and cool.

A secret, bountiful summer garden,

Blooming, verdant, fragrant, earthy.

Mine, not to share, but to savor

On days of conflict and loneliness.

2009-03-11T22:28:00.002-04:00

Psalm 19, v. 12b, 13b: "Clear me from hidden faults. . . . Then I shall be blameless, and innocent of great transgression."

If we ask for help from God in taking from us our hidden, subtle faults, imagine the cumulative freedom from sin, separation, and anxiety over the small stuff. God doesn't sweat the small stuff. Should we? If we mindfully live our lives as reflections of our understanding of God's desires for us, if we stay open to God's guidance of our actions, then when we don't measure up to things throughout the day, can we depend upon God's forgiveness of these lacks, as long as we net a good day?

Something to ponder.

The "I"s have it . . . right now anyway.

2009-03-05T17:18:00.005-05:00

In reading back through a recent, somewhat emotional email (which I'm supposed to be fasting from), what flew to my attention was the pronoun "I". It was ALL over the place. Wow! There are times when that pronoun comes in handy, like when one says "I apologize" or "I'm wrong". This, unfortunately, wasn't the case in this email.

On this journey, it has been very difficult for me to get that "I" out of the way. It's kinda like not seeing the forest for the trees. Only, it's not seeing God's path for me for the "I" in the way. Always needing to know. Always wanting to "figure out" what's coming next, instead of just being and letting things develop. It's about control. Wanting to keep control. But, exactly how much control is there to have? To keep? The idea of control is illusion. Yeah, right.

In the whole "ministry" thing (notice the two "i"s in ministry?, hmmm), the ego, the self-centered "I" must be relinquished for the One, to the One. Sometimes, during this journey, that's been possible. Most of the time, however, NOPE! Always craving understanding and acknowledgment and affirmation and . . . and (the list could go on and on). There needs to be more "being" in my life right now, less "doing." As our Sunday school teacher says, "God made us human beings not human doings." Yep!

This is a journey of growth and hope in the realization that the grace and mercy of Christ wrap me daily. Staying unsure of the answers, being with that lack of understanding, is possibly part of the answer. Who knows. "I" will just have to stay with this one for a while.

The First of March

2009-03-01T21:51:00.004-05:00

The lace of heaven began falling.

Huge crystalline flakes of purest white

floating softly downward.

The sloping lawn, deeply covered.

A purple-robed cross standing silent, empty.

Gentle layering of lace on wood, in folds of fabric.

As though the Heavens, too joyful to witness

the naked pain and solitude,

Quietly set about clothing in white raiment

the device of our salvation.

Impatient for the cleansing of Easter.

I close my eyes and wait.

2009-02-20T15:35:00.004-05:00

I close my eyes and wait.

For the velvety darkness to surround me.

Soft and warm.

Then I feel it.

A soft breath on my cheek.

I know He's there.

So Close. Palpable. Unseen.

A sweet hum. A vibration in the air.

A calm, warm, blanket of peace.

Wraps my soul.

I am, that Breath says.

I am.

Journaling One's Life

2009-02-02T19:33:00.002-05:00

It's really hard. Period. I just spent four intense days reviewing and journaling my life. Looking at the people, places, and things that have affected my emotional and spiritual development. I'm exhausted. But . . . I have to say that I've come away with a new understanding of how God has been acting in my life since I was a child. I have gained a new perspective on this "call" thing. A new perspective as to how can I and why am I. The perspective is that I am. Period. God has worked throughout my life to shape me into what I am. It is that "I am" which God wants to use as a way of helping others. The truth is that we each have been shaped by God to be who and where we are as a way of helping others. Now the really hard part is listening. Having the courage to listen to God's call to begin the work we have so diligently been prepared for.

I'm listening. I'm ready. Because I am.

Ahhhh

2009-01-25T07:03:00.002-05:00

The golden light surrounds me

I feel drawn upward, my face lifts

To see the light of your countenance

Warm my soul with your marvelous light.

Daphne 1/25/09

More Thoughts on Isolation . . .

2009-01-16T16:11:00.001-05:00

What is it about pain – emotional, physical, or mental – that makes most of us want to hide? I have withdrawn into myself, isolated myself, when I’ve not wanted others in my life to know how badly I was hurting, when I’ve not been able to talk to the “one” person that I thought could help me feel better. The single most important reason, though, has to be fear. I have isolated myself in fear that my pain and my reaction to my pain would be seen as weakness. What I find interesting is that I’m isolating myself not just from other people, from friends and relatives who love me, but also from God, from the Christ within me.

I know God can take whatever I want or need to dish out. Better than any friend or relative on earth! Somehow though, there’s a dynamic happening when I isolate myself. There’s a power play going on. I want to be in control of my pain. It seems silly right now – because I’m not in pain – but that’s it. I want to control how I manage my pain; I want the intimacy with a spouse or friend that is generated when we share emotions. Most of the time, though my spouse or my friends will listen and let me “vent” but not offer any concrete advice on how to get rid of the pain. God, on the other hand, expects me to work. Expects me to learn something from the lesson in front of me. Sometimes, that sucks! So even as I isolate myself, I attempt to wall off the part of Christ that I carry within me. Put earmuffs on him! I don’t want him to hear me. I definitely don’t want to hear what he might have to say! Yet, eventually, when I tire of carrying around whatever the burden might be, I take down the wall. I take off the earmuffs and I listen.

It’s when I listen to the part of Christ in my soul that I begin to hear the answer, a real answer to my problem. A way of resolving the pain, of letting go of the burden. Of learning the lesson that’s before me. The best part is, when I finally allow Christ to take control, it feels so good. Then the joy that I carry within my heart warms and begins to move again. I feel enlivened by the Holy Spirit and begin to see solutions, to feel the freedom that God wants each and every one of us to feel. Freedom. Release. Isaiah 61:1-3 – “. . . proclaim liberty to the captives, and release to the prisoners . . .” This is what the Good News is all about. We, who are held captive to pain and isolation, separation from our Creator, have been liberated. We, who are prisoners to fear, have been released. Through the ministry of Jesus Christ, his death, and his resurrection, we have been freed to be as God created us to be: loving and fearless.

So God Showed Up . . .

2009-01-12T07:21:00.001-05:00

In all of the instances I have found of Jesus healing the lame, there never seems to be a mention of the person tossing his crutches away. But don’t you just see that? Someone who’s not been mobile, freely mobile, for either his whole life or a major part of it, realizing that there’s strength in formerly deadened limbs, realizing that he has been made whole, seeing the truth of his situation. When Jesus said, “Get up and walk. Your faith has made you well.” I can see the man tossing away his crutches and walking. I see leaping and light hearted laughter. I see praise and thanksgiving! I see release and strength in the realization of wholeness.

I have been considering my crutches lately. Some I am ready to give up, some I am working on, trying to release my grip. As I have taken the time to look at my life, and consider where I might be depending too heavily on someone or something to get me through tough situations, tough times, I decided that I needed to take time to look for God. Taking the time to slow down and look enabled me to notice God. I learned an important lesson: it’s in those times when crutches fail or breakdown that God shows up in the guise of new strength, insight, and wisdom. I may never fully understand how or why God functions or chooses to bless me in these situations, but I do know the relief, the happiness, the freedom of discovering God’s presence and support.

So even though we might not fully understand the mystery of God’s plan for us, I believe when we are ready to give up our crutches, God will show up to give us the strength to see the truth of where we are. It’s when we are able to see and understand the truth of where we are, that healing takes place, that crutches get tossed, that we can leap about praising and thanking God!

Isolation

2009-01-06T16:41:00.002-05:00

The last couple of weeks have been difficult in a variety of ways. Emotionally, I have been hiding from my grief, from my reluctance to let go of pain and anger. I found that, in a big way, I had isolated myself -- refusing to reach out and honestly ask for a listening ear, a compassionately present conversation. Today, I finally "gave in"; I finally listened to that inner voice telling me to shout it out to someone. Needless to say, I feel tremendously better.

Spiritually what I was doing was isolating the Christ within. That might sound simplistic, but it's true. I had been praying for help. I had been asking Christ to join His voice with mine and lift my cries to God. Maybe that's what got me through the last few days, but I think that's what got me to finally reach out. I allowed the Christ within me to reach out to another, taking me along, so that I could share what I was feeling, question what I was feeling, and come to some closure about it all, some understanding. I still have work to do, some blessing and releasing to do, but I'm clearer about what it is I'll be blessing and releasing. That's the work of Christ -- bringing clarity into my heart and my soul.

Time to Leave

2008-12-27T23:15:00.002-05:00

Time to Leave. Three words that can strike fear in many hearts for many different reasons. Time to leave -- it's bed time (kids hate that one). Time to leave -- must get up in the morning (adults have a hard time with that one). Time to leave. Leave.

If we think about it, we leave things, places, people all the time. This time of year, though, we begin to think about leaving behind the old year, the old troubles, the old sadnesses, the old finances (maybe?). What about leaving behind the old way of living.

This time of year is also about looking forward. Looking forward to a whole new year of people, places, and things (maybe fewer things this year due to last year's finances!). What about a whole new year of looking forward to Christ? Looking forward to being compassionately present with those other people in the world. Looking forward to being responsible stewards of our environment, our time, our gifts, our money.

I have a very full year ahead of me already. I have school for myself. Obligations to finish my term of office with my kids' school PTA Board. Responsibilities within my faith community. The desire to keep in touch with friends and family, to support them when needed. What will I need to leave during the coming year? Where might I be expected to leave? What of all of this, though, am I looking forward to? I am looking forward to growing spiritually. I am looking forward to developing a richer, more full life because of that spiritual growth. In that spiritual growth, it will be amazing what I will be able to keep, what I will be able to leave, and what I will continue to look toward.

What are we waiting for?

2008-12-24T07:01:00.002-05:00

Titus 2:11-14

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all, training us to renounce impiety and worldly passions, and in the present age to live lives that are self-controlled, upright, and godly, while we wait for the blessed hope and the manifestation of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ. He it is who gave himself for us that he might redeem us from all iniquity and purify for himself a people of his own who are zealous for good deeds.

This time of year, this liturgical season, is one of waiting. But what are we waiting for? This season is also about remembering. In our Disciples of Christ congregation, we practice weekly the "remembrance" of the last supper as our communion. We remember in a way that takes us to that upper room, that makes us present to that moment. Now, we know who's coming, but are we ready to go to that manger? Be present to that moment? What are we waiting for?

Jesus of Nazareth, the Christ, the grace of God, is already present in our lives. Redeeming us moment by moment, training us while we wait. While we wait for what? What exactly is the blessed hope and manifestation of the glory of Jesus Christ? Manifestation is defined as "the act of showing, demonstrating, or proving; or something that reveals a sign or indication." We know the blessed hope we carry in our hearts, that hope we received when we accepted Jesus into our hearts, that hope that carries us through life's difficult moments. We don't have to wait for that!

But what about the act of showing, demonstrating, or proving the glory of Jesus Christ? That speaks of our daily lives. Are we going about our lives showing, demonstrating, and proving the glory of Jesus Christ? What are we waiting for? We are at the beginning of our liturgical year. Perhaps we should consider making that our "new year's resolution" -- that we live our lives in a way that does show, demonstrate, and prove the glory of Jesus Christ! Live lives reflecting the mercy, compassion, and forgiveness bought for all of humanity.

As we look to the birth, let us look beyond to the life, death, and resurrection.

Grief

2008-12-16T06:06:00.002-05:00

Grief is a sneaky emotion. It stealthily influences so many aspects of our lives and is so much more than sadness over losing a soul dear to us. We don't recognize the sadness as grief a lot of the time. Instead, we second guess our decisions, we doubt our capabilities, we're emotionally fragile, our appetites are skewed. Prayer -- that all encompassing letting go and listening -- clears the air. Jesus takes the blanket of our sadness and wraps himself in it. By His hogging the covers, we begin to see light. The light of life. Christ's light of life. We might still be sad, but we're not alone. Our burdens are lighter when Jesus is sharing them. When we begin to bask in the warmth of the light of life, our souls begin to enliven and slowly become capable of experiencing the joy within again.

Awesome, Grace-Filled Choices

2008-12-09T09:34:00.002-05:00

We find ourselves faced with so many choices this time of year. Where do we start? The choices begin at the crack of dawn so to speak. Do we eat breakfast? Do we stop and let someone go in front of us in traffic? Do we ignore the jibe of a tired and frustrated co-worker? Which Christmas tree do we buy? As we progress through the weeks of Advent, preparing ourselves for the celebration of the birth of Jesus, perhaps something else to consider are the choices we make.

God’s choices have been pretty good for us starting with the fact that God chose to make us at all. Are we taking care of ourselves? Are we remembering to feed ourselves spiritually as well as physically? There are so many instances in the New Testament where Jesus was, himself, eating or was responsible for feeding others. Jesus understood the importance of maintaining his body so that he could carry out the ministry he was sent here to do. He also knew the significance of being fed spiritually. He would retire from the crowds and commune with his Father, the vessel would be re-filled to overflowing. The most significant meal, for Christians, would have to be that last Passover meal. A minuscule meal physically, but a feast spiritually.

That brings us, of course, to the choice Jesus had. That awesome, grace-filled choice to do his Father’s will, not his own. What have been our choices that have been awesome and grace-filled? When we think about how we're spending our time, our talents, our gifts, our money and reflect on what we are doing and for whom we are doing it, are we aware of the presence of grace in our lives? We can choose to let that grace inform our choices. As believers in Christ and his choice, our lives should be informed and molded by that choice. So, as we progress toward Christmas and the celebration of Jesus’ birth, let us be reminded of the awesome and grace-filled choice Jesus made and let that guide us in the choices we make each day.

Lots of Snow Here . . . Living in Hiking Boots

2008-11-25T15:24:00.004-05:00

Breathe . . . Do you smell it?
The smell of Good Earth covered with snow.
Cold and warm at the same time.
Dormant and verdant together.
Harvest taken, spring waiting.

Cool fog sitting low against the snow,
Rising to meet the trees, reds still there,
Some bare black tracings in the fog
Smooth, ripples, crags, banks of snow.
Breathe . . . Do you smell it?

Daphne 11/2008

My Soul Magnifies the Lord!

2008-11-13T09:46:00.002-05:00

Our chancel choir sang that anthem on All Saints Sunday. It came out beautifully and we've all been sharing a recording of it. I listen to mine daily now with my devotions and prayers in the morning. It is a piece of music that makes my soul ache and soar at the same time. Beautiful.

I've been holding those feelings within me for several days. A soul aching and in flight at the same time. In listening for God's Word for me, daily, hourly, moment by moment, I have learned so much about what it is I am meant to be. Being surrounded by others who also listen to the guidance of the Holy Spirit has empowered me. I find myself looking at the possibilities of pastoral care, the tender shepherding, of folks who are suffering and afraid, who are tired and wired. I experience the Christ within me straightening my back under the emotional load of revisiting painful places in my own life while ministering to others, steadying my emotions, using them as fuel for compassion and empathy. I am beginning to feel and experience a deeper serenity, a deep happiness, a deep sense of purpose.

My soul aches from a sense of being over-full. I have been filled to overflowing with Christ's love. It is that overflow that will enable me to shepherd others in their fear and suffering, their exhaustion and their worry. My soul is in flight because of the indescribable joy I feel in the Presence.

"My spirit rejoices in God, my Savior."

Giddyness & Delight

2008-11-07T15:20:00.003-05:00

A quiet place? Not my soul.
A calm presence? Not my heart.
My soul dances, delirious with delight.
My heart races, giddy with God.

"I once was lost, but now I'm found."
"Was blind, but now I see."
Amazing grace, within me healed
A place so deep, too deep to see.

My vision is clear, my hope revealed.
My path His path, my life He leads.
A way to live, a way to give
My life a meaning, a gift unsealed.

Daphne
11/07/2008

The Miracle of Healing

2008-11-07T08:47:00.002-05:00

Healing . . . we each experience it in different ways. For the last two years, the Holy Spirit has been digging deep in my soul, carving out old hurts, old fears, old unforgiven sins. Just recently, I've begun to realize just how deeply I've been healed. That made me stop and think. Did the people Jesus healed feel the need to adjust? After the initial glorious joy and excitement at being able to see, hear, speak, walk, . . . live, did these people experience a period of adjustment? I wonder. Perhaps that's the miraculous part of any healing . . . the going forward. I believe that's where choices come in where our healing is concerned. We choose to use what we've been given to empower us to turn away from our past illnesses, physical or emotional, and go forward with a new outlook, a new vision. Maybe healing, in general, is about healing our vision, the way we look at ourselves, at other people, at the world.

I have made that decision . . . to go forward, in joy and hope and, most importantly, thanksgiving!

Choices

2008-10-31T14:51:00.002-04:00

This time of year is about choices. It's November. It's Election Day. It's Thanksgiving. It's Christmas. What sort of choices are we facing? I know mine. Where I come from, though, who I am determines my choices. I profess a belief in Jesus Christ. I believe I am to be "in the world, but not of the world." I had a colleague recently ask me how that was possible. He felt he definitely had to be "in and of" the world. The "of" part informing the act of being "in".

My belief is that I choose to be in the world, and I choose to act in a way that testifies to my holding myself apart from the ways of "being" of the world that are harmful. Harmful in terms of my spiritual self, my physical self, my mental and emotional self. My hope is that I am such a vessel of Christ's Spirit, of the love and mercy and compassion He brought into the world, that by my actions, my way of living, I can bring others into my way of "being."

I spent the better part of this morning standing in line, along with hundreds of others, to vote in advance of next Tuesday's official Election Day. It was incredible to see and participate in because all of these people were okay with waiting 3 hours. I didn't meet a single unpleasant person. I had the fortune of meeting up with a parent from the school where I serve on the PTA board. She and I got to know each other MUCH better over those three hours. We discussed where I am in my journey toward ministry. Where she is on her spiritual journey. Our thoughts on politicians, education, teachers, principals. Throughout it all, though, we both allowed our spiritual journeys to inform the conversation. What was a wonderful realization was that here we were, standing in lines waiting to vote like I have never personally experienced before, freely discussing differing religious thoughts and places, speaking confidently of how we hoped to change the world in small ways -- all of this possible because our ancestors made a choice to gain independence from Great Britain. We were standing in line with people of ALL ethnic backgrounds because our parents and grandparents and great-grandparents chose to believe, and support the belief, that ALL people were created equal.

I allow my beliefs to inform my choices -- from who I voted for today to how I and my family will choose to celebrate Christmas. Christ is in me as I am in Him. Be encouraged; be courageous; make choices.

Carrying Over

2008-10-29T06:12:00.002-04:00

New math. What I grew up calling "carrying over" now they call "regrouping". Sorry, but I'm a firm believer in not "fixin' what aint broke". I didn't get it the first time (with my son) and I had a hard time remembering the lingo the second time (with my daughter), but we got through it.

Carrying over . . . happens in life, too. This past weekend I received so much, so many blessings, so many bricks in my foundation, that some will simply have to carry over. Some of what I received that will carry over, and that I most cherish, are feelings of peace and relaxation. Peace in the acceptance of my call, both by myself and others. Relaxation into the fact that without Christ, I am nothing. That is sometimes very hard for folks to hear, but it is true. That hard fact is what makes it possible to relax, because if I admit that without Christ I am nothing, then I know with Christ I am everything Christ desires me to be. Christ is the ultimate resource for strength, resilience, hope, perseverance -- and love.

By carrying over this relationship with Christ into my "everyday" life, I can see immense changes in the way I meet the challenges of everyday life. By knowing that I have the resources Christ provides to respond when I am frustrated or overwhelmed, when I am tossed some wild criticism, when I meet hate face to face, I can respond from a place Christ would have me respond -- from the strength of His love. That gives peace.

Settling

2008-10-27T13:24:00.004-04:00

My heart and soul

cling to the soothing beauty and

clear strength of the One Spirit

who has settled

into my soul like honey

into a warm biscuit.

Just as sweet and delicious.

Daphne, 10/2008

Ministry Is About God Speaking Through Us

2008-10-20T06:30:00.002-04:00

Well, last night just goes to serve as a reminder that God uses us as instruments of His work. I found out late yesterday afternoon that a member of our congregation's husband had died of a heart attack while out of town. This wonderful lady has been kind and gentle and supportive of me since I began attending my church. To have this happen in her life has made me so sad. I understand that her husband died while doing something he loved and that her faith will see her through her grief. That does nothing to assuage my grief, my memories -- which all came flooding back last night as I attempted to sing. I found myself standing in the chapel, standing in the place where my mother's coffin sat, singing about seeing my father, seeing my mother, seeing my Savior. I lost my voice. But God didn't. He spoke through my emotion. I see that now. The few who were in attendance last night got the message -- that this life has sickness, toil and danger, but in the bright world to which we go all of that is gone. We will find healing and wholeness and a complete relationship with Christ.

Think Infinitely, Act Intimately

2008-10-17T11:41:00.004-04:00

Is God’s plan for each of us an infinite plan?

God’s plan is so huge that it is only possible for us to see and experience and become aware of an infinitesimal part of it.

As Christians, we profess a belief in life everlasting. What exactly does that mean if not a life in infinity? Why should we believe that God’s plan for us ends when our earthly, physical bodies die? We are each individual pieces of the puzzle, without which the puzzle would be incomplete. So in our smallness, in our infinitesimal existence, we are intimately important to the whole.

As we progress along our path toward this life everlasting, toward the God within, the more we touch and experience the spiritual presence of God in us and around us and within others, the more we become aware of our being enmeshed with God’s spiritual presence. We become sensitive of and more aware of our engagement with the Holy Spirit. Time becomes changed; time becomes more fluid, more elastic, less rigid and straight. The way we experience time changes. The way we experience God’s plan changes. We begin experiencing time as God experiences it. We see that our earthly lives are momentary and our spiritual lives are forever.

In Ecclesiastes it speaks of how all is vanity because it has all happened and there is nothing new under the sun. That language speaks to me of infinity. Life repeating. In mathematics, infinity is represented by a figure resembling an 8. If you look at that figure, the nexus is a cross. Christ is the nexus of infinity. Through Christ one enters a different line, a different lane of a multi-laned highway, a different way of being. Each of us experiences our faith individually. Therefore, each relationship with Christ is unique. So, it is important not to compare our faiths or the paths we are on one to another. Each one of us enters the infinity of life in the presence of God. The path never ends. The journey is the destination!

Again, Ecclesiastes speaks of God knowing the beginning and the end. If you think about a simple wedding ring, seemingly without beginning or end, but there is a beginning and an end to it, we simply can not see it. For us, the beginning or end is blurred and one in the same. We experience the simple gold ring as a circle. The circle of a life together. We can experience this same circle of life together with God by seeing the infinite nature of his plan for us. By working to achieve an awareness of the enmeshing of our inward spirit with God’s spirit which surrounds us, we can begin to see the infinite nature of God’s plan and act on it.

The slogan that says "think globally, act locally" comes to mind. Think infinitely, act intimately.

A Wayfarin' Stranger

2008-10-15T22:16:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I volunteered to sing at our congregation's Sunday evening service -- a unique service to which people come who often are homeless or broken by addiction or mental illness. Our congregation co-opts this service with another, also unique, community of faith which meets in an area park on Sunday mornings. Now, I volunteered to sing because my pastor, my mentor, my colleague jokingly said "oh yeah, and Daphne's singing." I love this guy because he knows how to push without pushing. He pleads ignorance of that which I speak. Yeah, right. But, the seed was planted and during a long, traffic jam afternoon with only my 10 year old son to talk with in the car (!), the Holy Spirit set to work. I've been having difficulty letting go and letting God help me with my singing. It's been really frustrating. I was driven (pun intended!) to make a call, to say "yes, I'll sing." I made a couple more calls -- one to my music director and another to the pastor. I've chosen "A Wayfarin' Stranger" to sing because I love that song. I believe it speaks to everyone who hears it. Who hasn't felt a stranger at some point in their lives?

Tonight, I went to church early for choir practice so that I could have time alone to sing in the chapel where the service will be held, and to practice letting go. I prayed on the way down that God would be with me, be my companion and guide and help me find a place where I could let go and feel safe and loved. It really seemed to help to do that, but what helped most, was just being there. I love the feel of our chapel. I first came to this church by this chapel. My mother's funeral service was held in this chapel. It holds a ton of emotional memories -- well suited to this song I might add. I love the sound of my voice in the chapel so I asked a friend from choir to come in and listen while I went through the song a last time. He gave me a thumbs up -- with an admonishment about my diction in the first verse (I know that one the best).

The fact that I am practicing and want to do my best for my God and my neighbors -- which would qualify as "the least of these" -- made me stop and think about my faith. The faith I have that God will get me through wherever he asks me to go. That I want to share the mystery of God's love and compassion with a group of broken and frightened and angry people because it's such a glorious message to share. And that I can sing this song and God will enable me to lift it up to Him in praise. This is in stark contrast to how I felt last Saturday! God is good!

Getting Out of the Way

2008-10-11T14:36:00.002-04:00

I sing. I love to sing. I'm in the choir, and I have sung a couple of solos. In spending time with our Music Director working on my voice, my techniques, my strengths and my weaknesses, I find myself frustrated and angry with my seeming inability to get out of my own way. It seems as though as soon as I look at a piece of music, I start choking off my voice. As long as we're working on free-form scales, I don't have a problem. Give me music to work from to do scales, and I'll probably freeze up.

I am a very strong willed person, and I come from very strong willed stock. So, why can't I seem to will myself to get out of my own way? There's a paradox there -- in order to sing freely and lovingly, I must stop analyzing and just sing (i.e., get out of my head), but in order to sing in time with accompaniment, etc., I need to count (i.e., get in my head) -- at least that's how it seems to me right now. So much of my life things have come very easily to me. This is hard. This sucks!

I will keep at it though. There's not a doubt, because I love to sing. What I've begun to think about is how I can rely on God to help me. I want to sing beautifully for God. Yet I need God's strength and freedom so that I can sing. I think God would find that amusing. I'm okay with that. So, maybe, I should start each lesson, each performance with a prayer? Asking for God to come into me and help lift my voice in praise. I'll begin doing that with practices here at home. I'm sure it will help.

I am sure it will help. That's the wonderful aspect to all of this. Why I haven't thought of it before, I'm not sure. Maybe that's part of the reason why I had to go through this lesson today. Who knows! We shall see.

Sing praises to the Lord, your God, who created us and finds joy in our utterances!

Questions to Consider on a Spiritual Journey

2008-10-06T05:31:00.003-04:00

The following are questions raised in a wonderful book I'm reading for my class in Spiritual Leadership, The Disciple Making Church by Glenn McDonald.

Am I serious about living this life?
Am I stepping out of my comfort zone?
What am I doing right now that is forcing a deeper reliance on God?

One other gem to consider:

"All of us are going to die. But before we die, what are we willing to do? What do we intend to do with the incredible gift of life that God has given us?"

Finishing Things

2008-09-12T20:47:00.002-04:00

I'm done. I'm finished. With the first of three books I'm reading for my upcoming class in "Spiritual Leadership." And, I've written the dinky one page reflection paper that was easier than I anticipated -- keeping it to one page. So, tonight my kids and I went out for pizza to celebrate. I felt liberated and justifiably proud of myself. Yea! Of course, tomorrow I've promised myself I'll start the second book. I actually do need to stay on track -- the end of October will be here before I know it.

A special friend of mine calls me a "project completion manager," and sometimes when he has a project that just keeps dragging on, he calls me and hands it off. I really can't stand leaving things undone. You couldn't tell that right now by the state of my house and my office, but honestly, I don't like it! I'm not sure what it is about the unfinished state that bothers me. When I look at my life (unfinished or I wouldn't be breathing), my spiritual journey (infinite in nature), my lovely family (growing like weeds), I am impatient to get on with things, but it isn't from a sense of them being "unfinished". I think my impatience comes from a sense of adventure -- wanting to see what's around the next curve or over the next hill.

But sometimes there is also a sense of wanting to suspend time, especially certain times with my kids, to float effortlessly and observe and learn and be. Just be. Savoring every little thing. That's what took so long with this book I've just finished reading. It was a wonderful book, and I lingered over every sentence because each sentence seemed packed with meaning, just for me. I love that feeling.

Now that it's finished, I can move on. I hope the next book is the same way, though, intriguing and specific to me (okay, I'm sure it'll just seem that way).

A Balancing Act

2008-08-24T06:48:00.003-04:00

A balancing act. I'm coming to accept that life is a balancing act and that, right now, I'm not very balanced! My son, who's 10, has had an exceptional sense of balance since he was born. He walked at 8 months old and ran at 9 months. He's climbed walls and trees (scaring me half to death). He performed at our school's Arts Showcase and illustrated just how balanced he is -- he balanced objects like peacock feathers and yard sticks and plastic sabres and cardboard tubes on many different parts of his body -- it was incredible. He totally captured the attention of the audience. Needless to say, in addition to being captivated, I was proud.

My son is not just balanced physically, he is also balanced emotionally, which I feel like says a lot about a 10 year old boy. His mother (me), on the other hand, is rather off balance, off kilter we used to say. It's time for me to regain balance in my life. This call I have from God to do work in the world, to help bring peace and healing and justice to the whole people of God has unbalanced me. Unbalanced me in my sense of proportion. I don't have a college degree (or even part of one) -- so my immediate educational options for pursuing this call formally are gaining a bachelors degree and a masters and being ordained -- or (this is the route I'm taking) enrolling in a certificate course through a local seminary through which I will be eligible to be licensed within my congregation -- the process taking around 3 years. I can "always go to college", this route can be "a step" along the way. (These are phrases I've heard lately.)

The unbalanced nature of what I'm going through is that roller coaster that I've been on my whole life. I'm intelligent, hard working, successful in 95% of what I attempt, good at learning on the fly and making up for lost time. Lost time -- that's the key. That's what I want to do right now, is make up for lost time. I want to jump in with both feet and be doing whatever it is God has called me to do. Oops! That's just it. What exactly is it that God has called me to do. Gee, could it be possible that I'm doing what God wants me to do? What if it is God's plan for me to learn my way into this. To learn my way, slowly, into this? Whatever "this" turns out to be? God knows my modus operandi. I was built that way. I'm beginning to see the lesson I'm supposed to be learning. Maybe God wants me to learn what I need to learn (both emotionally and intellectually) and be a witness along the way to God's love, mercy, compassion, and companionship.

I think the nature of my feeling unbalanced is my baggage -- not God's plan. God will use me whenever and wherever it pleases simply because I am open to receive instruction, open to be what I need to be, when I need to be. Maybe that is my call. Perhaps that's a call we all have.

Fruits of Relaxation

2008-08-08T10:49:00.002-04:00

We're back. Our trip was fantastic, relaxing, exhausting, and (a new sensation) settling. With all of the intense scrutiny I've been giving my head and heart lately, it was nice to feel a kind of settling down -- kinda like the game Tetrus -- all the blocks falling into place. It's a very peaceful feeling.

Of course, immediately upon our return, I jumped into my PTA obligations, my church obligations, etc., but throughout the hustle and bustle, there was peace and a knowing that I could handle what I had to do. It was good.

During my vacation, and since we've been home, I've been reflecting on just how much God will take of our burden if we give it up. That's the difficult part for me personally -- surrendering. That's a scary word for me. It brings up images of giving away control and not being able to get it back. With God, however, I can take back what I want, if I want. That's the incredible beauty and freedom of having a loving, intimate relationship with God.

That's also the incredible beauty and freedom of having a loving, intimate relationship with another human being! What I have found just this week is that my beloved doesn't understand what the big deal is, why I'm so anxious about this change in my life. It came down to my trouble giving up, surrendering control over the petty little things like cleaning the house, cooking, doing the laundry -- all of those things which have pretty much been my purview during our marriage and now are things which I will have to accept help with. Oooo...that is difficult. But, ultimately, knowing that attitude exists is freeing to me. Acknowledging that attitude means that what I'm doing is "okay". WOW! That's wonderful.

So, the next time I feel so stressed out, I'll take the time to look at why. Is there something I can let go of, let God, or my beloved, take off my plate?

Peace!